It took me almost 3 weeks, but I was finally able to get Jay and I an appointment with a marriage counselor. I found her by doing a search of qualified doctors in our area and we were meeting with her this afternoon. She only worked one Saturday out of every month and she was booked up for months to come. Lucky for me, she had a cancellation for this Saturday and was able to squeeze us in. Jay seemed a little hesitant when I told him about the appointment, but he promised to be there. He had about ten more days in the facility before he would be released to come home for good and I couldn’t be happier. I had a good feeling about us going to see Dr. Reynolds. Her track record was amazing. According to her website, in her ten years as a marriage counselor, she had a seventy- two percent success rate. That meant that over half of the people she helped ended up staying together. She was also a mother of four and had been married for thirty years. If anyone could help us get our marriage back on track, she was the one. “Mama we’re here,” I yelled when I walked into my mother’s house. She was keeping the kids until Jay and I came back. I was hoping that both of us could spend the day with the kids since Jay was home for the weekend. I guess that all depended on how well things went with our first session. “Hey my babies,” my mama said, entering the living room. She hugged and kissed my kids before they ran upstairs to play. Since I had a few minutes to spare, I decided to sit down and talk to my mama for a while. We disagreed on just about everything so it was rare for me to do that. “Well don’t you look pretty today,” my mother said, complimenting me. I put a lot into getting ready for today so I was happy that she noticed. I had my hair cut and colored yesterday, plus I’d gotten a new outfit that complimented my figure very well. My manicure and pedicure were both freshly done this morning so I was on point. “Thanks Ma,” I said smiling. “So, y’all are going to marriage counseling huh?” My mother asked me. She didn’t miss a beat. I knew she was going to bring it up and I was prepared. “Yes we are. It’ll do us some good to talk to somebody neutral. Jay think’s we need a fresh start,” I lied. “Is that so?” She asked sarcastically. “So if this doesn’t work out, then what?” “What do you mean, then what?” I replied. I hated when my mama did things like this. She never saw the good in anything when it came to my husband. “Why do you always have to be so negative? Jay is trying, at least give him credit for that.” “There’s a big difference in being negative and being honest,” she said. “Well that’s your opinion and you’re entitled to that,” I flippantly replied. “I’m just tired of seeing you get hurt Courtney. Jay does not want to be married, but you can’t seem to accept that,” she went on. “If he didn’t want to be married anymore he wouldn’t have agreed to go to counseling. I didn’t put a gun to his head.” “He probably agreed just to shut you up. I’m sure you had to ask more than once,” she said. I’d heard enough. I was there for a good twenty minutes and I was ready to go. This was the reason why I didn’t visit as much as she wanted me to. “I have to go,” I announced getting up from the sofa, “I’ll be back as soon as I’m done.” My mother followed me to the door so I knew she wasn’t finished with her lecture. She grabbed my arm and forced me to face her. “Why don’t you and the kids come with me to church in the morning?” She asked. “I don’t know Ma. They might be with Jay,” I answered. “Well you can come by yourself,” she said, not giving up. “I don’t know Ma, I’ll let you know,” I said hurrying out the door. I wasn’t in the mood for church unless it was to pray for my family to get back together. I got out of my car and made my way into the office building. I was thirty minutes early, but I didn’t mind. I was a nervous wreck. I tried calling Jay three times, but he didn’t answer once. I hoped and prayed that he showed up today. It was hard enough securing a Saturday appointment in the first place. I signed our names on the appointment form and took a seat in the waiting area. There were a million pamphlets scattered on the table in front of me that caught my attention. I picked up a few different ones and started reading over some of the contents. The advice that was given seemed so easy, but marriage was anything but. I thought I was doing everything that I was supposed to do, but I was obviously wrong. I looked at the time on my cell phone and saw that we only had about five minutes before our appointment time. I was on the verge of tears because Jay still hadn’t shown up nor answered any of my numerous calls. I was tempted to tell the receptionist to reschedule us, but I wasn’t sure if he would show up for another appointment. I was ready to run out of the office and get in my car when the back double doors opened and a pretty petite lady stepped out into the waiting area. "Hi, I'm Dr. Reynolds, you must be Mrs. Carter," she said extending her hand for me to shake. I took her out reached hand and shook it. "Is Mr. Carter joining us today?" She asked. I was so embarrassed. I couldn't believe Jay played me like this. Before I could answer, the door chimed, alerting us of a visitor. I wanted to jump for joy when I saw Jay walking through the door. He looked so damn good. I had to stop myself from staring at his tall muscular frame. It didn't matter that he was late, I was just happy he showed up. "Sorry I'm late," he said looking at me and Dr. Reynolds. "You're actually right on time. Let's go to my office," she said motioning towards the double doors. I got up and followed behind her with Jay hot on my heels. We walked down a long hall until we came to a door with her name on it. "Come in and have a seat. I'll grab us some water and we can get started," Dr. Reynolds said before exiting the room. Her office was small, but it was nicely decorated with two small sofas and a huge leather chair. There were also 2 smaller leather chairs against the wall. I sat on one of the sofas, while Jay took one of the chairs. "Thank you for coming," I said, smiling at my husband. "I told you I would," he said shrugging his shoulders like it was no big deal. We sat there in an awkward silence until the Doctor came back into the room. She handed us both a bottle of water and took a seat in her oversized leather chair. "Okay Mr. & Mrs. Carter, let's get started. Who wants to go first?" She asked looking at both of us. Jay just sat there, looking like he’d rather be anywhere else, but here. “I guess I will,” I spoke up once I saw that he wasn’t going to say anything. “Well, Jay and I have been together for almost ten years, but we’ve been married for almost eight. There’s been a lot of infidelity throughout our relationship and we’re just trying to find a way to get past it and make it work,” I said, looking at Dr. Reynolds. Jay had his arm folded across his chest, looking at me like everything I said was a lie. The Doctor scribbled down some things on her legal pad before she spoke again. “So which party is responsible for the infidelity in your marriage?” she asked. “Both of us, but mostly my husband,” I replied. “Why do you say it’s mostly your husband?” I felt like a spotlight was shining on me the way they were both staring at me, but I kept talking anyway. “Because he can’t seem to be faithful,” was my simple reply. “What do have to say about that Mr. Carter?” She asked, looking at Jay over the rim of her glasses. “Nothing,” he replied nonchalantly. Dr. Reynolds removed her glasses and looked directly at Jay before she spoke. “So you don’t have anything to say about your wife saying that you can’t be faithful?” I looked over at him as well. “No. If she knows I can’t be faithful, why does she still want to be married to me?” He asked. “Because I love you and I want us to be a family again. We had that until Beyonce came along!” I snapped at him. He was not about to make me feel bad for wanting my family to stay together. “Who is Beyonce?” Dr. Reynolds asked. “The woman that he cheated on me with for over two years,” I answered. “I see,” she said, writing more notes on her legal pad. “Is that true?” She asked, turning to Jay. “Yep,” he simply replied. He was pissing me off with these one word answers. “Mr. Carter, do you even want to be here?” Dr. Reynolds asked Jay. I guess she sensed it too. “I mean, she asked me to come so I came. Honestly, I really don’t see the point of us coming to counseling. I don’t think anything is going to change,” he replied. “You don’t know what the future holds. I’m trying my best to change, but you have to change some things too. I haven’t had a drink in over a month and I’ve enrolled in night school to get my GED,” I said looking him in the eyes. “That’s what I’ve been trying to get you to do for years. Why did it take me leaving for you to want to better yourself?” Jay yelled. I couldn’t answer his question because I didn’t know how. Jay was constantly on me about going back to school or doing something with myself. I never took it seriously because I never thought I would be without him to take care of me. “So it sounds like your taking some steps in the right direction Mrs. Carter, but I have to wonder why,” Dr. Reynolds said, “You need to make sure you’re doing this for you and not just to win your husband back.” I wanted to slap that bitch in her mouth for saying that. It really shouldn’t matter why I was doing it as long as it was getting done. “Let me just tell you what I see so far. This is only our first time meeting, but I can clearly see that you don’t want to be here,” she said pointing at Jay, “That’s the first step to making this work. Both parties have to be in agreement and I don’t see that here. It looks like you both want something different.” I wanted to scream after she said that. I can’t believe this bitch is calling herself a professional marriage counselor. “I don’t think that’s it. Like I said before, Jay needs to learn how to be faithful and we’ll be alright. Since Beyonce is finally out of the picture, I think we can make it,” I said. I was trying hard to convince Dr. Reynolds as well as my husband. “So how do you know that there won’t be another Beyonce or how do you know that she’s really out of the picture?” she asked. I really hadn’t thought about that. As far as I was concerned, Beyonce was the only thing holding my husband back from being fully committed to me and our marriage. It never occurred to me that he could find someone else, and I didn’t even want to think about her still being in the picture. “I know for a fact that she’s out of the picture. She cheated on him and left him for another man when he went to jail,” I replied. I wasn’t only answering the Doctor’s question, I was also reminding Jay of what Beyonce did to him. “So is she really out of the picture Mr. Carter?” Dr. Reynolds asked Jay. I looked at him, awaiting his answer, but it never came. He dropped his head without replying. I knew right then and there what the answer was. He was back with that bitch. After everything she did to him, he was back with her, but he couldn’t forgive me for messing up one time. Then, just like the last time, the ever permanent reminder of her that was etched on his neck became visible. I hated that tattoo on his neck just as much as I hated her. “Are you fucking serious right now Jay? What is it going to take for you to leave this bitch alone? Are you trying to drive me crazy?” I yelled. “Calm down Mrs. Carter. I know it’s not the outcome you wanted, but at least you know what you have to do now,” Dr. Reynolds said, pissing me off even more. I hope she wasn’t talking about a divorce because that was not happening at all. “Are we done?” Jay rudely asked. “I guess we are if none of you have anything else to say,” Dr. Reynolds said. Jay stood up and started walking towards the door. I was so embarrassed, and I was sick and tired of feeling this way. "Thanks for seeing us," I said to Dr. Reynolds as I stood up and prepared to make my exit. I really wanted to say “Thanks for nothing”, but I held my tongue. I walked down the long hall and through the double doors. I walked to my car feeling defeated once again. Jay was only a few steps behind me so I slowed my pace and allowed him to catch up. When he was close enough, I turned around to face him. "Why did you even agree to come here with me?" I asked as tears rolled down my cheeks. "I don't even know the answer to that question myself. I'm just confused about a lot of shit right now," he replied. "This is not fair Jay and you know it. She did the exact same thing I did, but you took her back just like that," I said snapping my fingers, "I messed up one time and you're trying to make me suffer for it and it's not fair," I said crying harder. He was looking at me with pity in his eyes, but he didn't respond. I almost expected him to walk away and leave me standing there, but he didn't. He surprised me when he pulled me into his arms and gave me a tight hug. I hugged him back just as tight, like my life depended on it and it actually did. Sometimes I felt like I didn't want to live if I had to live without him. I know it was selfish of me to feel that way, but I couldn't help it. I've never loved anyone the way I love my husband. Jay let me go and wiped my face with the back of his hand. I looked up in his handsome face and had to stop myself from kissing him. I was too afraid of him rejecting me. "The kids asked if both of us could take them somewhere today," I lied, "Maybe we can take them to the zoo or something.” I looked at his face to see his reaction. I could tell that he was hesitant so I pushed even more. "Please Jay," I begged, “We never do anything with them together.” "I guess so," he finally replied after a short pause, "I'll call you later.” He walked away and headed to his car. I had a smile on my face a mile long. I guess things weren’t so bad after all. For the second time in a few weeks, I got Jay to agree to something that I wanted to do. To me, that was a step in the right direction. This was Jay's last time being home on a weekend pass before he was released. If I had my way, he wouldn't be spending it alone.
