I was so happy to finally be back at home. When I got out of the hospital my mama insisted I stay with her until I was fully recovered. I ended up staying in the hospital for three days after I lost my baby. The doctor had to do a D&C, to remove any bad tissues. They were also able to tell me that I would have had another little girl, and that hurt like hell. To my surprise, I wasn’t as down as I thought I would be. Usually I would be too depressed to eat or even get out of bed, but not this time. My kids kept me occupied, most of the time, so that helped a lot. I was even more shocked to hear from Jay. Tyra told him about what happened and about the miscarriage. He called to make sure I was doing alright. He even expressed his sorrow for the loss of "my baby", as he put it. I was too embarrassed to tell anybody about what really happened to me so I created my own version of the story. Instead of saying that I was beat up by my cousin- in- law, I told everybody that I was jumped by one of Jay's old flings and her sister. I didn’t think before I said it and I’ve been regretting it ever since. Now my family hated Jay even more than they did before. According to them, it was his fault that I lost my baby. They blamed Jay for everything bad that happened in my life, but I didn’t see it that way. I know I’ve made some bad choices in my life and I was paying for them now. Tori was a different story and I would deal with her in my own way. I had a little bit of dirt on her and now was the perfect time to bring it to light. “Mama, when can we go see our daddy?” My daughter, Denim, asked me. Jay had been moved to a rehabilitation center not too far from here, but we still hadn’t visited him yet. He wanted his brother to bring the kids to see him, but I refused to let them go. They wouldn’t be going with anyone else, but me and I was going to make sure of that. He had to complete fourteen days of probation before he could have visitors, and that was finished three days ago so I know he was pissed about not seeing them. “I don’t know. We might go sometime this week,” I said. Well, I was hoping that we would go sometime this week. Tyra told me he had to wait another two weeks before he could get a pass to leave the facility. Hopefully he wouldn’t wait that long to see his kids. “Auntie Tyra is here,” Lil Sean yelled from the living room. Tyra came to see me every day while I was in the hospital, but we hadn’t seen each other since I’ve been at my mama’s house. I opened the door just as she was coming up the walkway. “Hey boo, how you feeling?” She said as she gave me a tight hug. “I’m good girl. Much better than I thought I’d be,” I replied hugging her back. “That’s good. My mama went and saw Jay's stupid ass today. He’s still asking us to bring the kids up there,” Tyra said. “Tell him these are our kids so he can call me if he wants to see them. I’ll be happy to bring them for a visit.” I never wanted to be the type of woman who used her kids to get a man’s attention, but Jay left me no choice. While I appreciated him calling to check on me after I lost our baby, that wasn’t good enough. He still refused to acknowledge the fact that he was the father. He needed to know that avoiding me was not going to make me go away. “We told him what you said, but he is not trying to hear it,” Tyra replied. “I told him I was coming over here so he’s supposed to be calling to talk to them.” I assumed that was the reason for her visit, but I didn’t say anything. “It’s not even that serious. He’d rather not talk to his kids before he calls my phone?” I hollered. “I guess so,” Tyra shrugged. That was just like Jay's selfish ass. He wanted everything to go his way, but I wasn’t having it this time. Tyra sat down next to me on the sofa just as her phone vibrated in her hand. “That’s him calling now,” she said. “Put him on speaker phone,” I whispered before she answered the phone. “Hello.” As soon as she answered she put the call on speaker phone so I could listen. “What’s up? You made it over there yet?” Jay asked her. “Yeah, I just got here. You want talk to the kids?” Tyra put her finger over her lips telling me to be quiet. I wasn’t going to say anything because I wanted to hear what he had to say. Denim was the first one to the phone. She tried to walk away with the phone. I pulled her back and made her talk right in front of me. Her lil ass was too grown! “Hey daddy!” She yelled into the phone. “I wanna come see you.” I wanted to see what Jay's response to that was going to be. “I want see you too baby. I’m trying to get somebody to bring y’all up here,” he replied. Denim looked at me like she was waiting for me to say something, but I never did. “My mama said nobody but her is bringing us up there. Can she bring us up there today?” Denim asked. I had to remind myself to stop talking around her because she repeated everything she heard. “Y’all can’t come today. The visitation hours are over,” he told her. I grabbed my daughter by her shoulders and whispered in her ear. I didn’t want Jay to hear me coaching her on what to say. Once I finished telling her what to say, she nodded her head and proceeded to tell him everything I said word for word. “What time is visitation tomorrow? My mama can bring us to see you tomorrow,” she said, looking at me for approval. I gave her the thumbs up letting her know that she did it right. Jay didn’t say anything and I thought he might have hung up. “Hello?” Denim said into the receiver. “Yeah I’m here,” Jay replied. “Please daddy,” Denim whined, “We wanna come see you.” This time I didn’t have to coach her. She was doing all the begging on her own. “Yeah, y’all can come see me tomorrow,” he finally said after a long pause. Excited was not even the word to describe how I felt. I knew he couldn’t go too much longer without seeing them and I was right. He spoke to the rest of the kids for a while, but he never asked to speak to me. After Drew talked to him, Tyra got back on the phone at Jay's request. She was talking to him, but looking directly at me so I figured I was the topic of their conversation. Tyra was quiet, making it obvious that he was doing all the talking. “Alright, I’ll talk to you later,” she said after what seemed like forever. “What did he say?” I asked her. “He’s pissed,” she replied. I figured he would be, but I didn’t give a damn. “Pissed for what?” I asked like I didn’t already know. “He said he don’t know why you trying to come see him so bad,” Tyra said. “I remember a time he used to beg me to come see him when he was locked up. Now he want to act like it’s a problem.” I couldn’t even front, my feelings were hurt that Jay felt that way. No matter what we were going through or what we had already been through, I was still his wife. “Well he told me to give you the address and stuff so you can bring them up there tomorrow,” Tyra said. I got up and got a paper and pen for her. I was excited and scared all at the same time. I could never tell how a meeting with my so called husband would go. I just had to pray for the best and prepare for the worse when it came to Jay. I woke up extra early the next morning. I wanted to make sure the kids and I were on point for when we visited Jay. I rolled my girls and my hair the night before so all I had to do was apply my makeup and get dressed. I always got the kids ready last to make sure they didn’t get dirty before we left. When we pulled up to the facility my kids were going crazy. They were so excited to finally be able to see their daddy. I sat behind the wheel of my car trying to get my emotions in check. I saw Jay a few months back, but that was different. We were separated by a glass and had to use a phone to talk to each other. This time we would be face to face and the thought of that made me nervous. “Mama let’s go,” Lil Sean said. “Wait a minute boy. Y’all are too impatient.” I pulled out my compact mirror and made sure I looked as flawless as I did when I first left home. Once I was satisfied with my appearance, I opened my car door and got out. I helped my kids get out of the car and we all walked towards the entrance. The place didn’t look like much from the outside, but the inside was simply beautiful. It almost had a tropical feel to it with all the palm trees that were in the lobby. “Good Morning. May I help you?” The friendly receptionist asked me. “Yes, I’m here to see my husband, Shawn Carter,” I replied. If I wasn’t looking at her closely, I would have missed the slight frown that appeared on her face. It was quickly replaced with a fake smile that I could have done without. “Okay. You guys can have a seat in the visitation room and he’ll be right out,” she said pointing to a door to my left. I grabbed Drew’s hand and made my way to the room with my other kids following close behind. The room was huge with a big TV mounted on the wall. There was a table with blocks and puzzles that quickly got the kid’s attention. They sat down and started playing while I fidgeted nervously in my seat. We waited for about twenty minutes and I was just about to go ask the receptionist what was taking so long when the door swung open. “Daddy!” Denim screamed when Jay walked into the room. The rest of the kids jumped up and ran over to him as well. I looked up at him and my breath was caught in my throat. He looked so damn good. I guess I was looking for the rough face and dingy orange jumper that I saw when I visited him a few months ago. That was not the case this time. His face was clean shaven and his hair was cut to perfection. His polo outfit looked like it was fresh off the hanger. He picked Drew up and made his way over to a row of chairs on the other side of the room and sat down. I started to go off, but I held my tongue. He didn’t acknowledge my presence at all and I was offended. “Well hello to you too Jay,” I said after I made my way over to where he was sitting. “What’s up? I was coming speak to you,” he said looking up at me. I sat down in the chair next to him, but he got up before I had a chance to say anything. I was embarrassed, but I didn’t show it. I wasn’t about to chase him all around the room, like a child, so I stayed where I was. The TV was on, so I pretended to be watching whatever was playing. The tears that were attempting to fall were blinked away rapidly because I refused to cry. For the next hour, I pretended not to notice my husband playing with our kids and completely ignoring me. “What’s wrong mama?” My daughter, Dream, came over and asked me. “Nothing. I’m okay.” I lied with a fake smile. “You look sad,” she said while sitting on my lap. No matter how hard I tried, I could never hide my feelings from my babies. They always saw right through me. I put my arm around her waist and welcomed my temporary company. I heard the door open and looked up to see the receptionist coming into the room with a few magazines in her had. She looked over at Jay and they shared a quick smile. When she turned to walk away, his eyes stayed glued to her ass the entire time. It didn’t take a genius to know that either something was going on or it wouldn’t be long before it did. Typical Jay, nothing he did surprised me anymore. As long as I never saw her around him, we wouldn’t have any problems. “So how have you been?” Jay said sitting down next to me. I don’t know why, but the butterflies in my stomach were doing the most. My daughter, Dream, got up and went to play with her sister while we talked. “I’m better considering the circumstances,” I replied lowly. I figured trapping Jay with another baby didn’t work so pity was my next best chance. “Yeah, I’ve been meaning to ask you, what really happened when you lost your baby?” Jay asked me while looking into my eyes. “I already told you what happened,” I replied looking away from his piercing stare, “And stop saying my baby. That was our baby.” He looked at me like he knew I was lying. “I know what you told me, but that shit just doesn’t sound right,” he said in an accusing tone. “First of all, I don’t remember every chick you cheated with because it was too many to keep up, and why do I have to lie about something so stupid?” I replied. “That’s the point I’m trying to make, but if that’s what you say happened, then cool. I can only go by what you say,” Jay said. I was happy that he was leaving it alone because I was tired of explaining myself to him and everybody else. “So what’s the deal? Why did you want to come up here so bad?” He asked catching me off- guard. I rehearsed my lines in my head over and over again, but I was at a loss for words once I was in his presence. “We need to talk about us Jay. Our family is falling apart and we need to find a way to fix it.” There, I said it and it felt good coming out. He looked away quietly like he didn’t know what to say. That couldn’t have been the problem because he never had a problem saying what was on his mind. He sighed and turned to face me. “Courtney look, I thought a lot about us when I was locked up. I asked myself if getting a divorce was the right thing to do. I also asked myself if I could be faithful to you if we stayed together,” he said pausing. I was feeling hopeful at first, but the next words he spoke broke me into a million pieces. “I can’t do it though,” he finished. “The damage is already done to this marriage and nothing can make it right. You deserve somebody that’s gon’ love you and be faithful to you. I’m not that man,” he said sincerely. I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing this time. This time wasn’t like all the other times he told me it was over. This time I knew he was serious. We weren’t fussing or fighting. We were sitting down having a conversation like two adults. That was something that we’ve never done before. He reached over and wiped my tears, but that only cleared a path for fresh ones to escape. “Is it because of Drew?” I asked. I had to know why he was destroying the one thing that meant so much to me. “Not at all, I love Drew like I love the rest of my kids. We haven’t been happy with each other for a long time and you know that. I can’t understand why you’re still trying to hold on to something that’s not there,” he said while holding my hand. “You never really tried to make it work, Jay. The first thing that comes out of your mouth is divorce.” “What other options do we have?” he asked sounding aggravated. “I’m trying to handle this the right way, but you making the shit too hard.” He let my hand go and grabbed some tissues that were on the table and handed them to me. “I’m not trying to make things hard, I just need you to understand how I feel,” I said while wiping my face. “I already know how you feel. The whole damn world knows how you feel,” he replied with a frown. I was not easily discouraged and begging was nothing new when it came to my husband. “Please, can we just talk to somebody? If that doesn’t work I swear I’ll leave it alone. At least I can say we tried. You don’t have to answer me now, just tell me you’ll think about it,” I pleaded. He still looked hesitant, but I wasn’t taking no for an answer. “I’ll think about it Courtney, but I’m not making you any promises,” he finally said after a long pause. I could tell that he only said what I wanted to hear, but that was still music to my ears. I smiled a genuine smile for the first time in a long time because I was truly happy. All hope was not lost. I would have my family back by any means necessary.
