Warning ⚠️: ANGST ANGST ANGST
Trans F to M (plzzzz let me know if I get anything wrong or if I offend anyone)
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Peter sat in his closet and cried. There were so many things that were wrong in his life. So many things he wished he could change or fix or make better in general. For one, he was born a girl. He wasn't a girl. He knew in his heart and mind he was a boy. No one else saw it that way, though.
He had confided in his uncle before he died. He'd told his uncle Ben everything. And he had understood, he'd been supportive. The only reason they had been out that night was to take Peter for ice cream, in celebration of him being able to admit to someone who he was inside. It ate at him every night now, how if he hadn't said anything, Ben would still be alive. Everyday was hard and every night was sleepless and filled with tears and nightmares.
He shut everyone out, afraid that if he told anyone else, they'd die too. Aunt May was working all the time so she didn't really notice, and it seemed Ned didn't really care either. And MJ, MJ was a beautiful Pan queen that didn't need him, hell she probably didn't even care. Tony or Happy weren't exactly choices in the matter as it was anyway, because let's face it they didn't care. Happy made that clear and the only time Mr. Stark came into the picture was when he almost died.
He felt completely and utterly alone. There was nothing anyone could say to convince him he could be himself. So he went about everyday, in pain at hearing a name that belonged to someone that wasn't truly him. At having to be someone that didn't represent who he was. He tried as best he could, however, to make it as bearable as possible, chopping his hair off in a fit of rage so he had a traditional "boy" haircut, wearing baggy clothes and, even going so far as to stop responding to his birth name.
But that wasn't enough, he spent countless weekends cooped in the apartment alone crying as he looked in the mirror. He felt like clawing at his skin constantly, anything for the body he wanted. It wasn't fair, he screamed and screamed but no one could hear him as it was all on the inside. He went through each day as a zombie. A shell of the person he used to be. He wasn't her anymore. He was Peter.
Peter. Peter. Peter. Peter.
His name was Peter. He wasn't Violet, he was Peter. And he would be Peter. Nothing could stop him from being the real him. The him no one but his uncle Ben got to see.
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Peter thought everything would be fine, he'd wait for May to get back from her trip and he'd tell her. He'd tell her how he'd been feeling and what he wanted to do. But he didn't get the chance.
When he got the call, he was at school, slumped over a desk at the back like he usually was nowadays. He remained a smart student, he was just less diligent and interactive. As he stared into space while his teacher droned on and on, his phone rang suddenly making him jump up, the shrill sound piercing his sensitive ears.
"Miss Parker," he cringed at the miss but raised his head nonetheless, "you know the rules, answer it on speaker or it's mine." Peter rolled his eyes at the stupid rule but still answered and put the phone on speaker.
"Hello?"
"Hello.. is this Violet Parker?" He winced and cleared his throat.
"Um.. yes. Who's this?"
"My name is Angela Cross, I'm a coworker of your aunt's. I'm sorry sweetheart, but she was in a bad accident and it's not looking too good. Is there-is there anyway you can get here quickly?" Peter dropped his phone, not even bothering to get his things before he rushed out of the class and the school at a full run.
'Gotta get to May, gotta get to May.' That was the only thing running through his head as he made his way to the hospital he knew she worked at.
His heart was pounding and he knew he was crying, but he didn't care. All he cared about now was May and if she was okay. He picked up speed as he saw the hospital in the distance.
When he got there, he was out of breath but had barely broken a sweat. He made his way to the front desk frantically, he knew he looked a mess and he wished he'd had more notice to get there.
"May Parker??" He searched the face of the woman behind the desk.
"Violet?" Peter nodded through a grimace.
"Hi, I'm Angela. We spoke on the phone. I'll take you to her."
Peter tapped his hand against his leg anxiously as they rode the elevator up and as he followed Angela to May's room. When they got there he wasn't prepared for what he saw. His aunt looked awful, there were dozens of wires and tubes attached to her body and even worse was the state she was in. She looked extremely fragile as if someone had taken everything that made Aunt May and instead left a skeleton of the woman who'd always been there for him. Peter rushed forward, a son bursting out.
"Oh my god. May!" He took her hand carefully, full in crying at this point.
"P'er." He gasped, how did she know?
"I've known....I've known for a while sweetie. I was- I was waiting for you to tell me. I didn't want to-to rush you. And it's okay, sweetheart I still love y-you. I'll always- always love you Pete." As she finished the last word, the heart monitor saturated bearing rapidly as her pulse dropped.
Angela started pulling him away and Peter cried out trying to get back to his aunt. He cried as they began to try and revive her only to be unsuccessful each time. His eyes were in her the whole time and his eyes were still in her when he heard a quiet 'time of death.' He screamed. Over and over and over until his throat was raw and he couldn't get any sound out. His aunt was gone. The last person he had in the world. She was gone. In his mind he thought it was his fault. She had known.
You did this.
It's your fault.
Worthless excuse for a human being.
The voices swam in his head and he couldn't take it anymore, he ran directly at a window and jumped out, catching himself on a web at the last second. He landed on the street and ran back towards the school. He ran and ran and ran and it seemed the way back was infinitely shorter than the way over. After he had gotten his things, ignoring his teachers and peers, he put on his suit and made his way to the avengers tower. When he got there, he took off the suit and sat on the roof of the building in nothing but his boxers. He took out a piece of paper and began his note.
To anyone who's ever cared,
I'm not who you think. I'm not sweet little Violet Parker like I used to be. I'm a boy, in my head and in my heart. And I'm sorry it's taken me so long to see that I shouldn't have to hide who I am, but I couldn't help it. And now everything has gotten to be too much. Uncle Ben is gone, Aunt May is gone. My life is over now. There's no one else. Ned, MJ I love you guys I really do and I'm sorry for pushing you away but I only did it because I thought I was keeping you safe. I realize now, you guys probably would've been exactly what I needed right now. You were the best friends a guy could ask for and I thank you for that. Mr. Stark I'm sorry but I haven't been feeling so good (y'all can go ahead and kill me now 😭) I cant do it anymore. I know you said that if I die you'll feel like that's on you, but know that it's not. You'll always be my idol Mr. Stark and I'm grateful for everything you've done for me. But this is something I have to do for me. I can't go on living like this. And to anyone else, I'm sorry i never got to know you better. I can rest easy now.
With Love,
Peter Parker.
Peter folded the note neatly on top of the suit before standing directly at the edge of the roof. He looked out into the horizon over all the trees and the rooftops and he took one last breath before he kneeled down... and jumped.
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I knowww I hate me too 😭 I just got this idea while listening to sad songs and I'm sorry I did this to y'all and myself.
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