A Heart of Stone with a Coat of Gold

Clogged Hearts

For Neel, that single evanescent moment after Anu left seemed endless. 

He just stood there dazed, and amazed. His face hot, his cheeks cold and moist where her lips had just left him. 

He stood there until the first few drops of rain pattered on his skin. Out of the blue, the heavens split open, and started pouring their load on to the mortals beneath. 

Neel walked slowly with long thoughtful strides onto the shade beneath the porch and took a seat where Anu had been sitting.

How long had it been since he had felt like this, he wondered. It had been a long time. Too long. 

He gazed ahead. Soon, he knew the floor ahead beneath the porch would be flooded with water. It always did, from the day he had bought it. It was an old house, and the drain beneath the porch had been blocked since no one knew when. 

It didn't perturb him the least; his life had always been filled with such deep trenches. He didn't need to jump over them; on the contrary, he was used to walking straight into them and let the cold and the dampness slowly sink in, so much so that he had almost forgotten what it was like to feel warm and dry.

But he remembered, it always used to set up Shruti in a bad mood. "Neel, My sari is ruined. Why don't you get the drain fixed for God's sake?" she used to grumble. So Neel had called for a plumber. The plumber had laboured for hours but had not been able to find the blockage. Finally, he had given up and said that the whole porch would have to be broken down in order to find the source of the problem, something for which Neel never had time.

He had consulted Nishant regarding the problem and the bastard had just joked instead of offering him a solution. "My friend, I guarantee if you stop being a heartless fiend, this drain would magically fix itself. Believe me, it will. But that will be a miracle, wouldn't it?"

He remembered, back then, Shruti's eyes then used to have that warmth, filled with love and affection whenever she looked at him. That warmth--it used to feel the same as he was feeling right now. 

He too had been young. Young and hopeful. Hopeful that he would be able to evade his past and make peace with it.  That they might grow old together in this house in the middle of nowhere, raise a family and be content with it. 

That was all he had wanted. A simple life, with both of them together. 

Where it had all gone wrong? He often wondered.

It all started when she started wanting more. More than he could give her.

Shruti was a happy vivacious girl who had been brought up in a sheltered household. Unlike his. She did not crave the same things he had wanted. She wanted a lively household full of family and friends. Bumbling with life and energy. 

Frequent visits. Frequent celebrations. Frequent outings.

All the things that he so despised.

But moreover, she wanted him. She wanted the same Neel she had fallen in love with, not the Neel she got.  She wanted him to smile when she went out with him. Him to laugh with her when she shared a joke with all her friends and family. Him to talk with her and tell her what he was thinking after they had passionately made love. 

He had tried hard for the first few months. He had tried his hardest to maintain the charade. Build the fantasy she desired. Until he couldn't pretend anymore. The truth can't hide forever.

Soon the fights started. And ended very soon. How long could she fight a silent man?

Neel remembered the only time he had raised his voice at her. She had lied to him and on the pretence of meeting a friend had tried to make him meet a therapist. 

Neel had been practically shaking with rage when they had reached home. "DO YOU THINK THAT I AM A MENTAL PATIENT? WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO DO SUCH A THING?"

Shruti had broken down in tears but the man standing in front of her eyes had not melted. Her voice had quivered; she had been afraid of him. "Neel, I have seen your back; your father -- he broke something inside you. We just need to figure out -"

 "So you think I'm broken. You want me to laugh." So he had laughed for her, callously and filled with venom. "Ha-ha-ha. Look Shruti, your husband is finally laughing. Are you satisfied?" 

He had lit a cigarette. "My wife thinks I'm broken." He had closed his eyes and spoke. His voice, a bit gentler, a bit sombre. "The boy you loved is dead Shruti. I am what is left. And I'm better--and bigger. You need to learn to love this man. Or at least be content with it. I cannot change now. Surely you get that, don't you?"

Her face had fallen and she had looked so sad, like a broken bird. "I cannot Neel. I cannot love a man who can't even smile at me. Who won't even share a laugh with me. I want a husband Neel, not a stone."

A Stone. That was all he was for her. 

Once he had seen her crying after he had returned from the office. In a moment of weakness, he had told her, "You can leave me Shruti. You deserve better. I cannot become the man you desire. But someone out there must be. Find him."

Her teary eyes had looked at him sadly and at that moment Neel saw no warmth in them for him. And he knew that feeling was lost. Forever.  

"Doesn't your heart ache before saying such a thing? Even a little bit?"

His heart hadn't ache. So he had stayed silent. 

Neel knew in any other culture a woman like her would have left a man like him ages ago. But this was their culture. So she didn't leave him. For family. For tradition. For their forgotten friendship. And for their lost love.

She stuck with him for ten long tortuous years, writhing and wilting away in agony until she couldn't bear any more. 

Where it had all gone wrong?

The answer was simple.  She had known the naive young boy he once was. And who she wanted back with her. She was never able to settle for the man she got instead.

Neel clenched his fists as his musings were finally pulled back to the present. He hated the weak foolish boy Shruti loved with all his heart. That boy was weak. Pathetic. He could never become that wretched creature again.

No, he was not that boy. He was a man now. And a man moves forward.

Yes, he would try to move forward with Anu, he decided. She never knew the other Neel that Shruti had yearned for. Maybe Anu would be able to accept him as he was.  After all, Ignorance is bliss. 

 And he would be able to live the life he had always wanted, with her. Against his will, his mind again fluttered back to when Anu had said her goodbye. And again the warmth started seeping back in. For that single solitary moment, his heart didn't feel empty.

The rain stopped. He felt cold. He got up to head inside but stopped dead in his tracks.

In Nishant's words, 'it was a miracle'. He couldn't believe his eyes--because for once, there was no clogged water in front of the porch.