The broken and their secrets [COMPLETED]

Signed

Chapter 9: Signed

"Dear Summer

I don't know what your parents will name you but I named you Summer because I fell in love with your father in Summer and he broke my heart in Summer. I gave birth to you in Summer, so that must have been some sort of sign right?. Thank God it wasn't Autumn, I can imagine the hard time you would have in school with that name.

I don't know what they will all tell you about me, or if they ever tell you but this is my version. Everything written on this diary, each and every entry from the day I decided to keep you to the week after giving birth. I hope you read what I went through and understand that I never wanted to hurt you, because knowing me I would have been a bad mother to you. I would have punished you for things that were not even your fault, I don't want that for you. I don't want you to think a mother is suppose to be toxic, I don't want you to grow up thinking you were a mistake or unworthy of love because that's not true.

You deserve a mother that will love you, a mother that actually wants to be your mother. Someone who will cheer for you on the sidelines like my mother once did for me, a mother who will teach things and wipe your tears when you are not okay. A mother is suppose to be your first best friend, someone you can confide in. A person who provides a safe space for you and I am not that person Summer. How I sometimes wish I was, but each time I imagined myself being the woman I described I cry because she isn't me. She is someone else and I don't want to be live my life like that. I don't want to shrink my happiness just to give you some imaginary love that isn't there.

One day you'll grow up and maybe you'll want to meet me. I won't embrace you with a hug and express my regret, I will never change my mind when it comes to children. Giving you up has to be the hardest yet the easiest decision I have ever made for the both of us.

I wish you all the best, I mean that even if you hate me right noe but giving you up is the best thing for the both of us.

I love you Summer

Sincerely

Sibusisiwe Mpondo"

I knocked on Seko's door then opened, I had my bag in my hand.

Me"I need your help"

He paused his game and nodded.

Me"I'm pretty sure I am in labour"

We stared at each other then a sharp pain hit me and I screamed.

Seko"Masambe"

He called my mother and she came running, they were all freaking out.

Dad"Akho nomnye ubize ambulance?"

I wanted to laugh but I was in pain, he was so annoyed. We took his car, lucky for us we were in Millpark so St Georges hospital wasn't that far. I was in labour for 9 hours, before I just wanted to take her out already. When I finally gave birth, she was crying and Uhuru was next to me holding my hand. I stole a glimpse of him, he was in tears when he kissed my forehead I knew I was really done with him.

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I held for a 20 minutes, I waited for the enchanting moment where I would fall in love and keep her but nothing. I just wanted them to take her away from me, so I started crying.

Me"I want to sleep"

I gave her to Uhuru

Uhuru"Sibu"

Me"Just.. Let me sleep"

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We were discharged after two days and I think I cried harder than I've been crying since giving birth. I didn't want her to come home with me, I didn't want her at my house.

Mama"Hold her while I drive"

Me"Andifuni"

She didn't even look annoyed, she was just worried. Uhuru's mother offered to drive us then my mother would hold the baby.

Mama"You'll have to feed her when we get home"

Me"Mama take her...just..take..her"

I didn't say anything throughout the ride, I just silently cried. I needed to find her a family, ngapha Uhuru and I had a court date. Everything was just too much. My parents refused to let social workers take her, they said they will keep her until a suitable home was available. Yet again no one asked me what I want.

10 Days Later

Uhuru"Sibu"

"Sibu!!!!!!!"

He looker at everyone and then looked back at me.

Lihle"Baby, look at me"

I looked at her and she smiled but her smile wasn't the same. Maybe because her eyes were filled with fear and tears.

Kay"I need you to get dress... Sibusisiwe...sigh... Look at me friend "

It started crying again and I put my hands on my ears.

Me"Take it away"

"Susa lonto kwam!!!!! Phuma apha!!!...."

I stood up going towards its direction and Kay yanked me.

Me"Ndiyeke!"

She was in tears and so was I.

Lihle"I will take it away from you but you need to change and go with Khayakazi"

Me"I... She.. I can't..."

They left me alone with her, four days and no one came to check up. I felt like I was in hell, each day I lost my mind and I ran to my neighbour whenever she started crying. I didn't want the baby and it's like no one cares about that. So this morning I caller Lihle, Kay and Uhuru to take her away from me before I kill it. It really felt like I was about to kill her.

Kay"Listen you'll be fine"

I knew they were taking me to a mental institution, I heard my mother speaking to Dr Ziba. 

Lihle"Let Kay bath you then nihambe"

Kay was in tears but she kept on wiping them, I watched my brother staring me and the look in his eyes scared it. He looked like he blamed himself, they all had that look.

Seko"I'll do it, I'll take her"

They cleaned me up and Seko drove while Kay and I sat at the back. I had my head on her lap.

Kay"Play her Lauren Daigle's You Say, she needs to her it. It always calms her down"

She played with me hair.

Kay"You'll survive this, I know you and I know you will survive this. You didn't do anything wrong Busi, this isn't your fault. You did what you thought was right and that's okay, you will be okay. You will survive this, I know you will. I don't get to lose you, not now, this is a necessary holiday for you. After this you will fix your crown and start again! You are a Queen, you are capable of moving mountains, you are a prayer warrior, God has your back, your ancestors have you. This isn't your ending, you are not done. You will continue being the strong Black woman that I know you can me. We will watch you take over the world, this isn't the end for you. You don't get to give up now"

Sign