The broken and their secrets [COMPLETED]

Goodbyes

Chapter 16

SUMMER

12 YEARS LATER

"Dear Summer

Today my mother knitted this ugly Jersey for you, at least she claims it's a Jersey. I will never let you wear that, I am not that evil. Contrary to what you'll believe, I however have watched her commitment to getting this right for you. She doesn't know my plans yet, I can't get myself to tell her she will never get to see you grow up.

So let me tell you a bit about her; She is that mother, she cheers, she cries with you, she nurses you, she smothers but most of all she supports. She has never projected her expectations of what a perfect daughter should be, and I am sure I am nothing like she expected but she has loved me even at my worst, loved me when I had broken her heart.

That's the type of love I want for you, I know you deserve a mother that will protect you and love you. I am not that person, each day I lose myself while trying to convince myself that keeping you is the best thing to do. I cry every night because I fear that I will be the worst person in this world because I will raise you with so much hatred, you don't deserve that. You deserve a mother who will stay up and do posters for your netball match, a mother who will never miss any milestone in your life but most importantly a mother who wants to be your mother.

I feel you grow and each mother I die a little inside, each time you kick I hate myself even more for not feeling anything. I am so sorry, I am such an awful person. I am sorry that I have normalized hatred, I am sorry for the damaged that I am yet to cause. You didn't do anything wrong, you should never blame yourself.

One day you'll come to find me, I will be waiting with the knitted Jersey your gran made. I will keep it as a reminder, a reminder that I ruin an innocent life. I do however want to say this; I love you, my love is different from the one you deserve. Mine is the love that let's go, the intentions are good but they are just not conventional

Love Sibu"

I grabbed the last letter and I opened it, I quickly wiped my tears.

"Today I went to see Dr Ziba, Kay and Lhilhi took me, well it was a surprise visit. I think they've had enough of me and my moping around, I know their intentions were pure but I don't want to get committed. That's what everyone doesn't get, I don't want you to be born under circumstances that will make you feel as if you  drove me to this point. You didn't, I did that all by myself. So I will fight, I have held on for this long, I will make sure you are born in a hospital and your parents will take you soon after that.

Your father will fight for you, I know he will, he is that guy. You know those? Those guys from the movies who were raised right, did right all the time but messed up a few times but were never judged on their mistakes because the good they've done overshadowed all the bad?. He is that guy, I loved him because I thought he would wash away my demons, loved him because he looked at me like I wasn't damaged, loved him because he didn't make me feel empty or dirty. I slept at night because of him, I laughed a lot because of him and when he hurt me; it felt like someone had just woken me up from my fairytale. Then I got pregnant with you, he was happy but I had other plans, I wanted to terminate because I have never wanted to have children. Ever, you were never in my plans Summer but with your Dad next to me my plans felt selfish. So I did it, I kept you and each day I died inside and he got distant because the love was no longer there but he loved you enough to tolerate me. He has visited us everyday and I haven't told him I am giving you up for adoption yet. Just know this; Uhuru loves you, he could have been an amazing father given the chance. I'm sorry for also taking that away from you.

This is my final letter to you and I know one day you will come looking for me. I will be waiting, I will answer every question, you can scream, you can hit me or shout whatever you want. I don't want to lie to you though; our reunion will never end with me regretting my decision.