The broken and their secrets [COMPLETED]

Breaking walls

Chapter 13

Harvey and I have been dating for a month and two weeks, yes, I have been counting. Each day has been so amazing, I would often pinch myself just to check if this isn't some sort of dream but no. He is mine and he likes me, he makes me feel special and he gives me room to do whatever I want even if he doesn't like it. He has shown me love, maybe because I have learned to constantly put myself first so I made that clear that I am my first priority. I like  who I am when I am with him, I missed this side of myself. I hope this side of me never disappears again, took me forever to get here and I never wanna love myself.
Me"Guess who!!!?!!"
My parents didn't even scream with excitement when I walked in.
Dad"Yangxola, sibukele uMuvhango"
Haven't been home in 5years and this is the sort of welcoming I receive.
Mom"Please make us some tea, ndayigqibela kudala itea yakho"
I went to the kitchen, made their tea then took it to them.
Dad"Enkosi MamBhele"
"We will talk properly NGO half 9, there is a lot of drama eMMC"
You'd think he is joking but everyone knows my parents don't entertain anyone from Skeem Sam until half 9 when Muvhango ends. I just thought it would be different since they haven't seen me in forever. I went to my room and then called Harv.
Harvey"Hey, what's wrong?"
Me"Nothing, my parents are ignoring me until half past nine"
"Trust me, you don't want the details"
Harvey"Hahaha, well I miss you already"
Me"Did you get my gift?"
I sent him two nudes.
Harvey"You should check your messages, I also sent you a few snaps"
Me"I cannot wait to see you"
Harvey"Will you sleep over?"
Me"We want  my parents to like you"
"I'll come fetch you at the airport"
Harvey"What should I wear for the traditional Xhosa wedding?"
Me"Your normal clothes, semi formal or casual not sure but don't wear Xhosa attire. The cultural appropriation isn't always a good idea"
Harvey"Roger that"
"I have to tuck these two in, will you call me before you sleep?"
Me"Yea, I will face time you, I want to show you something"

The following day I woke up then went for a jog, I actually forgot how beautiful Westering is, I think because I grew up here I don't get enchanted by the area anymore but then when I was in Cape town I missed seeing the school kids. Hell, I actually missed my old place too. I am renting a town house now and it's not the same as having your own house I can assure you. Way too many rules in that damn place. I got home and took a shower then wore a hoodie and shorts, I found flip flops then went downstairs.
Dad"Tshini, Molo Caster"
I laughed
Me"To think I couldn't wait to see you"
Dad"I missed you nam bonanje"
Me"I highly doubt that, where is your wife?"
Dad"Akabuyanga egwadana"
We both laughed, Gwadana is like Hogwarts(a place for witches). He was obviously joking, my mother always says people are witches but gets angry when my father says it to her.
Me"Hahaha ndizokuxela"
Dad"That's my wife, who do you think she will believe?"
We ate our breakfast then I washed the dishes.
Me"Please drop me off at Avis, I need to go fetch my car"
Dad"Yhooo! Uhamba nini? Uyingxaki sana lwam"
I kissed his cheek
Me"You don't even have to be mean towards me Hahaha"
"I'm leaving on Sunday"
I ran to my room to fetch my bag.
Me"Let me drive"
Dad"Noba ucinga yi toy lena, my daughter bought me this car "
Me"That's me, I am still paying for it"
Dad"Don't not include me in your problems Sibusisiwe"
I noticed the baby car seat, I was actually glad Uhuru allowed them to her. Her photos with them were all over the house too.
Me"How's work?"
Dad"Same old, I am ready to retire kodwa ngoku"
"I have two grandchildren, I have no reason to be running around in a hospital"
Me"Mama yena?"
Dad"Your mother loves being a teacher, I don't see her retiring any time soon"
Me"Well maybe she will consider it once you retire"
Dad"Wena unjani?"
I smiled
Me"Loving Cape town, business is good that side. We had to get a White woman to be the face though for our advertisements, things are different that side. Their racism isn't subtle"
He nodded
"But financially, I am happy and emotionally I am good too. Dr Ziba referred me to someone that side, I am going to therapy every day"
Dad"That's good to hear"
Me"How do you feel about Kay being your daughter in law"
He looked at me
Dad"Yhuu, Seko watsho undi punisher Hahaha but your brother loves Khayakazi and she is a great mother to Babalo. They look really happy and that's all that matters"
"Ndine video ka Zintathu playing with Babalo, yhoo akazenzi mdala Bawo wam"
He gripped the steering wheel, I could see he was beating himself up for saying that. I know for a fact Kay and Lihle see her all the time, I didn't expect the people around me to pretend she didn't exist. Just because I never ask about her doesn't mean I forgot about her existence.
Me"Is it on your phone, let me see"
Dad"Remind me later when I get home, it's on my laptop"

I had a lump on my throat after my father dropped me off, I felt like I wanted to throw up but I also just wanted to run away just for a few good minutes then back. My phone rang while the tears streamed down my face.
Me"Hey"
I didn't recognize the number.
"Hey, are you okay?"
It was Harvey
Me"No but I will be fine"
Harvey"That's not good enough for me, where are you?"
Me"Avis, I thought you got me a TSI"
Harvey"No, I told Lexie to get you a BMW 3 Series"
Me"You didn't have to do that"
Harvey"I know but I did, I'll get Lexie to book you and your friends to a spa. She will email you the details"
"I'll see you tonight"
Me"I want...that..."
I didn't want to cry but I wasn't okay.
Harvey"I will be there at 7pm, I don't foresee any delays. We can talk properly when I get there"
"Just try and enjoy this afternoon"
Me"Okay"
Harvey"Promise me something"
Me"What?"
Harvey"You'll try to smile, you have a beautiful smile. Everyone should see it"

I didn't even change after my date with the girls, I went straight to the hotel. I was still feeling shitty, he opened the door and I just started crying. He held so tight, I just kept on crying.
Me"I..am sorry"
I wiped my tears avoiding eye contact with him. I hated that he was even seeing me like this.
Harvey"Talk to me"
Me"I have so much baggage"
"You'll run"
He held me again, and I felt safe. I felt like I can tell him this and maybe he wouldn't judge. So I sat him down and told him everything, he didn't interrupt.
Me"She is now 5 years old, she turns 6 on the 30th of January. I never wanted to be a mother, but I feel as if everyone projects on me. I could tell the world that and they make me feel like the is something wrong with me, I made an appointment to terminate and everyone around me then made me feel as if I could do it. I also believed that maybe I would fall in love and be this amazing mother but none of that happened. I love her though, but not enough to raise her"
"This weekend I know I will bump into her at the wedding, everyone will pressure me into speaking with her. I don't want her to get any false hope, I don't want her to think she is at fault and when she sees me, she will think that and I don't want her growing up with that question mark. She doesn't deserve that"

Have you ever listened to India Arie's He heals me?. That's my to go song for my relationships, as Harvey and I spoke, I thought of the lyrics and they fitted him perfectly.
Me"I made an appointment, I'm going for my hysterectomy. I should have done it a long time ago actually"
I looked at him and smiled as I wiped my tears. I needed to put myself first in this relationship or whatever this is, I can't afford to make the same mistake twice.
"I know I should have told you this a long time ago, but I just wanted this, us, to last a little bit longer before I ruin it"
Harvey"I am crazy about you, you scare me but the good kind of scared. I don't know how to make you happy because I love how you also don't depend on me to be happy. I love children, I love my own children but I don't expect you to take over their mother's role. I do however hope you will not be the evil step mother"
We both laughed
"I don't know what we are doing here, I don't know the future but I know this much. I want you in my life, I want to help you carry your baggage, however long it takes. I want to be there for you, I will clear my schedule. I will be there when you go in for surgery and be by your bed when you wake up"

He heals me