Silent Memories (Emery Scott)

Chapter Fourteen:

Emery Scott~

I wasn't ready to drive back to the dorm, I wasn't ready for the night to end. I was angry and needed to clear my mind, I was leaning towards this college experience being the worst possible decision for me.

When I was dropped off a few months ago I was a completely different person, I know people say you can't change that quickly but it's true, I was different and it was not a bad thing.

I think a lot about the night I was almost raped, the night I was beaten up. I think about it a lot, but I don't remember the pain of his kicks and punches I remember the thought of being left there after it all happened and the emotional pain it would cause me. I think that's why it hurts so much that he's treating me this way, Axel saved me from a lot pain that night, he showed me a part of him that I believed he has never shown anyone before and it resulted in me craving more but he has also caused me more pain than I could have ever predicted.

The heartache of the rejection is what exhausts me at the moment. I wanted to be wanted by him and I thought I was, but I wasn't. I have never craved someone's attention the way I crave his. His touch ignites something within me and I am dying to explore it, I was dying to explore it. I need to realise that it's never going to happen and that's okay it really is.

I can see the signs early, the way he looks almost identical to what I imagine my dad would have looked like in his younger years scares me, in almost 3 months of being here he has done a 360 on my emotions, one minute he wants me, one minute he craves me, one minute he wants me to tell him to stay away, one minute he's pushing me away, the next he's being rude to me and now? Now I just have no words for it.

Maybe it's that he doesn't want me that makes me want him more? Is that wrong? It is. I know it is.
I want his soft lifts upon mine, I want his hands to cup my cheeks, I want him to run then through my hair and pull me closer to him the way he did that night. Fuck what is wrong with me? Why do I have these thoughts. I need them to stop.

I can't control my racing thoughts, I just can't. Every inch of him clouds my mind. I keep thinking back to the night we kissed when he told me he stumbled on the place and was going to end his life, the thought of him being in the much pain makes me want to hold him in my arms for hours, it makes me want to try and make a difference in his life. Pathetic. It's what I am I am pathetic, I want to help someone who hurts me at any given chance.

This is my mum in me, wanting to save someone who doesn't want to be saved. The way I see it is nobody is a lost cause. They just think they are, so they don't even bother to try sometimes. I am a lot like my mum with how I see things, I want to see good in everyone and everything no matter how many times they show me that their is no good in them, I still try and find it.

I must have been so lost in thought because I subconsciously drove to a place I did not intend to go to. His place. This is my fucking issue, why am I here? Why have I drove here. I need someone to explaining to me why I'm doing this to myself. I try to remind myself that this isn't 'his place' anyone could come here.

I turn the engine of my car off and just sit with the radio playing quietly in the back ground. 'The night we met' by Lord Huron played at a perfect time, my mind travels back to the last time I was here.
I could find myself relating to the lyrics and I sang along to the melody.

'I had all and then most of you
Some and now none of you
Take me back to the night we met
I don't know what I'm supposed to do
Haunted by the ghost of you
Oh, take me back to the night we met'