One More Try

Saving Ophelia

Ophelia had not only inherited her mother's beauty and her father's eyes, as she grew, she also turned out to be exceptionally bright and perceptive. She showed an early talent for singing and playing the piano, Jean started teaching her simple songs as soon as she could sit up and reach the keys and the little girl loved nothing more than making sounds with this rather peculiar object.
Ophelia only seemed to be truly happy when there was music around her, no matter if it came from a record, the radio, someone was singing to her or she was making music herself. She'd inherited Jean's perfect pitch. When she wasn't on the piano or singing, she tried composing short pieces herself. This was the only thing she couldn't do as well as singing, but it still brought her a great deal of happiness.
Her record collection grew over the years, ranging from classical music over jazz and opera to whatever was being played on the radio. But she had a special soft spot for a series of records explaining different operas for children, narrated by famous opera singers. Her favourite was the one about Rigoletto by Guiseppe Verdi, something about the narrator's voice just intrigued her. Jean had felt dizzy when she first listened to this particular episode. Reg narrated it. Reggie. Her Reggie. How she missed his voice, even after all these years. He had this very soft, gentle way of talking, but he still managed to keep listeners interested. His enthusiasm for the craft shone through and maybe she was projecting but he sounded just a little sad when he talked about Gilda. That had been her role, way back then.
One evening sat down with Ophelia before bed and she chose the Rigoletto record before cuddling up to her mother. Jean closed her eyes and couldn't help but smile. Hearing his voice didn't shock or hurt her anymore, she was used to it now. In fact, it had become something that soothed her and made her feel happy as she recalled their shared past.
"Mummy, do you like the Rigoletto man?" Jean flinched and open her eyes. Ophelia looked at her inquisitively. She wondered why her mother seemed to enjoy this particular record so much and assumed that the narrator had caught her eye, or well, her ear. Jean was perplexed, Oh dear, what to say? Ophelia had no idea and Jean didn't want her to know just yet.
"Oh darling, don't be silly. I don't even know him." Not her best lie but probably still convincing enough. Her heart was beating way too fast, she really didn't need to be called out like this after a very long day. But Pheli didn't want to drop the topic just yet.
"You could get to know him. He's an opera singer too and maybe you two could become friends. Then he could become my new daddy." Not that there was something missing with just her mum, but Ophelia had always been curious about how living in a complete family might feel like. Jean had to bite her lip for a second. No need for "new" there. This was not going into the direction she wanted.
"Darling, I have explained this before, you don't need a daddy. You're my gift from the angels, and that's why you don't have a daddy. The angels brought you here to me." For now, Ophelia was still happy with that answer and dropped the topic, but then, she was only five. Who knew for how long she would still believe that story Jean had made up?
And she'd found a sore spot, no use denying it. Even after almost six years, Jean was not over Reg at all, but still madly in love with him. She'd tried dating, but none of the men she'd met had seemed special enough for her, and more importantly, none of them even made it so far she'd tell him about Ophelia. Her daughter's safety was more important than anything else.
Ophelia had started Reception about a year ago and that September she'd started Year 1. She was a good student and with starting formal education, things had become a little easier for Jean. When Ophelia started Year 1, her mother had hired a new nanny who picked the girl up from school and could also help her with her homework and give piano lessons, instead of just playing with her. Jean had felt a little uneasy upon hiring the nanny, Miss Hester Bloom, but that was probably because she felt bad about being away from her daughter more than she'd used to. Mum-guilt was a totally real thing, but she knew that staying relevant, earning money and pretending she was a single woman with no attachments whatsoever was important. Ophelia was the best kept secret in her business and that was no small feat, accomplished by non-disclosure agreements and the occasional payment of hush money paid to overly enthusiastic paparazzi who had seen too much. Jean hated paying them, but she knew that she had little choice if she wanted to protect her daughter's identity.
So that September, Jean started going on little tours again. She didn't go far away and didn't stay away for longer than two days but it was a start. It felt wonderful, like a glimpse of her old life, the parties, the glamour, the nightlife. Still, it wasn't really the same and she spent a fortune on phone bills to call home and talk to Ophelia, but her daughter seemed to dislike the telephone and never spoke much. In retrospect, this should have been the first clue that something was wrong at home.
Jean tried to make up for her absence by lots of gifts back, taking photographs and writing letters and postcards, but Ophelia grew more and more distant to her. First, it was barely noticeable and Jean put it down to all the changes in her life and generally becoming more independent.
After a while however, it was clear that there was more to Ophelia's behaviour. Jean could live with not hearing every detail about Ophelia's day at school, but when she refused to show her homework and didn't want a good night kiss anymore, Jean started to seriously worry about her daughter. "I'm a big girl now, I don't need this anymore." Ophelia said in that new tone of voice she had, she sounded so sassy and almost rude but that probably wasn't her intention. Did she really think that she was all grown up now?  Ophelia was only six and Jean wasn't just worried, she missed being close to her daughter. She felt bad and apparently even leaving her with qualified people while she had to work just wasn't enough. There were no complaints about her daughter's behaviour from school or from the nanny, so Jean was convinced that she was the problem. She decided to monitor the situation until after Christmas and then she would act. Nothing really seemed to change for the better though and that's why one night in January, right after dinner, she sat down with Ophelia for a chat.
"Darling, you seem very unhappy and it's been going on for a while now. Is everything okay at school? Or do you want me to stop the tours?"
"School is just fine. I'm fine. And the tours, I don't care." She shrugged. And it was true, Ophelia didn't care anymore if her mother went away for longer or not, because she'd be stuck with the ghastly Miss Bloom anyway. The one who told her terrible things about her mother and punished her harshly for the smallest mishap. But she couldn't tell. Nobody would believe her. Miss Bloom was a very good actress and everyone around her liked her because she was young, pretty and seemed very kind. She was kind while they were in public but at home things were different. But Ophelia couldn't tell a soul, and Miss Bloom was very subtle and never slipped up once, so she just kept everything bottled up.
Besides, she could have figured out that she was the one thing holding her mother back without her nanny telling her, Ophelia wasn't stupid. She also knew that she was most likely the reason her mother was alone and on top of that, she knew that she wasn't good enough and never would be, no matter how hard she tried. Ophelia played the piano, but Miss Bloom said she'd never master it. She couldn't sing like her mother and at her ballet lessons she never got the lead. Ophelia had noticed how sad Jean sometimes seemed to be and from that she figured that her mother probably didn't like her that much and would rather be someone else. As Ophelia adored her, she tried to be understanding and do things herself, despite wanting her mum more than anything else. The weight of the world seemed to be resting on her tiny shoulders and there was nobody around to help her.
On the weekend after their conversation, Cissy came to visit. Jean was relieved to see her best friend, she really needed someone to talk to. And Ophelia? She was delighted and rushed into her godmother's arms which hurt Jean deeply. Why hadn't Pheli greeted her like that when she returned from her tours, why didn't she want hugs and kisses anymore? Jean just didn't understand, no matter how hard she tried. When Ophelia was in bed that night, and Jean had poured a glass of wine for Cissy and herself, her friend only needed one look to see that there was something going on.
"What's wrong, Horton, you don't seem like yourself?"
"Everything. Just... Everything is wrong." The simple question had been enough to reduce Jean to tears, something that rarely happened, but she couldn't be strong anymore. "Ophelia hates me and I don't know why." she lamented and told Cissy everything that had happened over the past few months. "I really wish I had stopped singing and started a normal job, it's once again my selfishness that ruins everything."
Cissy had patiently listened to her friend but now she interrupted her. "Don't be silly, dear. You need that stage like you need oxygen and that's what you do best. It will be fine and I think you're a terrific mum, Ophelia is probably just going through a phase, but don't worry, we can fix it." She passed Jean a tissue. "But something tells me that this isn't all."
Jean shook her head. "You know me too well. I still can't get over Reg. I saw in the newspaper that he's supposedly seeing someone and the jealousy is killing me. If I hadn't done all these stupid things, we'd still be together and my own daughter wouldn't hate me. She could have a proper family instead of..."
Cissy hugged her. "Look, I noticed something was off today. I'm sure it's nothing major and she's just going through a phase but we need to help her through it. I have an idea. Why don't you stay home one day and observe her? Maybe she will tell her nanny what's wrong. And Reg? I worked with him and he's still very much involved here in London, I am convinced you'll meet again." She smiled at her friend. Long ago, Jean had looked after her when nobody else had even noticed her, so now it was her turn to look after her friend.
Finally, Jean could muster a weak smile. "That's great. You're a genius. Really. I would be lost without you."
Cissy laughed. "Hold that thought, I wouldn't call myself a genius."
Jean raised an eyebrow. She knew that tone in her friend's voice too well. "Are you trying to tell me that you..."
"...Wilf and I had a rebound over New Year's. I'm not proud of it, but it happened." Cissy couldn't help but feel a little awkward.
"Again?" Jean was genuinely surprised, she knew they had been seeing each other on and off ever since meeting in rehearsals for "their" Rigoletto, but it never got too serious. Cissy blushed and shrugged before she said something.
"You know how it is, I enjoy being with him but I couldn't have a relationship with him, he's a ladies man. He flirts too much. So every few months we get together, we talk about everything, we kiss, he proposes to me, I reject his proposal and then we make love and I go home."
Jean sighed. "But don't you want to be with him? I know he's crazy about you, he's always been." This was true. Jean and Wilf were... they weren't close friends, especially because Wilf was very loyal to Reg, but they got along just fine and in some ways, they were quite similar, especially when it came to their fear of commitment.
"In an ideal world, yes. But as long as he is not ready to commit, no." Cissy had her principles and while she felt for Wilf in a way she'd never felt before, she couldn't allow him to hurt her feelings.
"Cissy, he keeps asking you to marry him, in my book that's commitment." Jean was a little shocked at her friend's reluctance to at least give it a try. Cissy wasn't as impressed though.
"Let me rephrase that, as long as I can't be sure he doesn't lose interest two weeks after the wedding and starts sleeping around, I refuse to believe him. Remember, nothing in life is serious to him." She sounded almost bitter now, it was obvious that this was hurting her more than she was letting on. Jean looked at her friend.
"Sweetheart, why would he lose interest in you?" She asked quietly. She didn't know her friend to be so insecure.
"Look at me. I'm small and I'm fat." She laughed, but it wasn't a happy laugh.
"We both know that this is nonsense. You are just right and I think you're very pretty." She meant it, she'd always thought that her friend was pretty, but Cissy brushed it off.
"Jean, you are being sweet, but you know men, especially him. And you know the type of woman he sees when he's not with me. Size zero, long hair, beautiful legs. I can live with it now, but I couldn't if we were in an actual relationship or even married."
"I see. Well, maybe he changes?" Jean didn't want to give up, because at least her friend should be happy with the person she loved.
"I don't think he will, but it would be nice. Because I do like him very much." Cissy blushed and Jean smiled. She would call Wilf and give him a talking to. "Cissy, will you stay over night? We both had some wine and I don't think you should drive like this."
"I guess you're right. You're always right."
"Not always, you know that. But you could check out the Nanny when she comes in the morning to take Ophelia to school." Because maybe there was something Jean had missed and she really trusted Cissy's judgement.
Jean showed her friend to the guest room and then went to check on Ophelia once again. She'd kicked off her duvet so Jean put it back on. She kissed her daughter's forehead. The rejection hurt, but it also made her more determined to salvage their bond. They had been so close. She would have to rethink the way she worked and maybe start taking Ophelia on her tours.
Jean thought back to her own childhood and the difficult relationship with her mother. She just desperately wanted to do better.
Finally, she went to bed but couldn't fall asleep for ages, instead she tossed and turned. She missed Reg. She needed Reg. And she needed to find out what was wrong. So many things she needed to do. So many things she needed to look after. But who looked after her? Cissy did, at least a little, but she didn't want to burden her best friend more than she had to. Jean ended up sleeping for maybe two hours before getting up early. She made breakfast for everyone and everything went normal. Miss Hester came to take Ophelia to school. Cissy talked to her while Jean helped her daughter get ready for school. Then she watched them leave and Cissy looked at Jean.
"I don't know what it is, but something doesn't feel right at all. Let's drive your car somewhere else and then we can walk back, hide and see what's going on." Jean nodded. There was something else.
"Cissy, can you do me a favour?" she asked quietly, she hated asking her friend for yet another thing, but it had to be done.
"Anything, you know that." Cissy said easily. She just was a person who liked giving more than taking.
"You said that you recently worked with Reg... How is he? Tell me about him." Jean unsuccessfully tried to cover up the hint of despair in her voice.
"He's doing quite well, he's looking good. Still wearing those shirts you got him and a gentleman as always. You should hear him sing, his voice got even better."
Jean sighed. "Cissy I still want him. I always will. Being unfaithful was the biggest mistake of my life." she was so deeply unhappy knowing that some mistakes could never be fixed. She just had to stop feeling sorry for herself.
Cissy gave her a hug. "Focus. For now, Ophelia is our number one priority. And she's his child too, you will always be connected that way, even if he doesn't know that."
"Hmmm." Was all Jean could say. As usual, her friend had the ability to make her see some sense. They drove Jean's car to a nearby shopping centre and walked back together. They had a fairly pleasant afternoon catching up and when the time of Ophelia's return drew near, they hid in Jean's gigantic walk-in closet. It was next through the piano room and thanks to some old vents they could hear what was going on in the kitchen too. Jean was so dreadfully nervous, she didn't know what to expect. That was probably a good thing because a nasty surprise was awaiting her.

After school, Miss Hester picked up Ophelia, as usual. She just hated that spoilt, bratty child. Hester Bloom needed the money but she hated this child, she hadn't even thought it would be possible to dislike someone that much but here she was. Ophelia ruined her idol's career. Ever since she had been a little girl, Hester had looked up to the phenomenon that was Jean Horton. She had noticed the subtle changes and after finding out the reason behind them, she'd applied as a nanny. She wanted to punish the child and convince Jean that it was time to return triumphantly. What made looking after Ophelia even worse was the fact that in Hester's opinion, she was not half as talented as her mother to make up for keeping her away from the stage.
At home, the girl asked for a snack, which Miss Bloom denied her, of course.
"No, first you do your homework, then you practice the piano, then barre training and then food, you're not exactly a joy to look at now, imagine being not just ugly but also fat." Hester didn't think that she was being particularly mean. She was the only one who dared to voice an uncomfortable truth, at least in her own, twisted opinion.
"But I am hungry." Ophelia complained.
"You're not hungry, you are spoilt and petulant. Stop whining and get to work." So Ophelia had to do homework and then play the piano, right next to where Jean was hiding with Cissy. She played a sonata but she was shaking from being hungry, tired and honestly also a little scared.
"For the love of God, focus. Your lack of talent and skills is embarrassing. No wonder you are being hidden from the world. I'd be ashamed of you too." Miss Bloom hissed. She was absolutely convinced that this dreadful child was doing it on purpose. Just to spite her.
"My mum is not ashamed, she says she loves me." Ophelia hated when Miss Bloom said these things because they made her doubt everything. Even if it was the truth, she didn't want to hear it. But her nanny had just started.
"She says she loves you, but she leaves you here, all alone for days, while touring Europe. Because you are embarrassing. And she doesn't love you, because you ruined her life, her career and that is why you don't deserve her love." Ophelia started crying, which Miss Bloom saw as an act of defiance, slapped her right across the face. In that moment Jean stormed into the room. She'd heard enough and came just in time to witness what happened first hand. She had never been so angry in her entire life, of course now her daughter's behaviour made sense.
"How dare you to talk to my daughter like that. How dare you to lay hand on her." she yelled and she didn't care if that meant going on vocal rest for the next few days. She had never felt so angry in her entire life. Miss Bloom turned around, shocked that Jean was in the house, but not for long.
"It's what everyone thinks!" She retaliated. "This child has ruined your life, why can't you see that?"
"OUT!" Was all Jean could answer. This impertinent person had no idea. She knew nothing about love. "You will hear from my lawyer. If you come near this house, me or my daughter ever again, I will call the police and have you arrested."  Jean didn't have the nerves to deal with the fallout, but that's what she paid her team of lawyers for after all. Miss Bloom stormed out of the house and that was fortunately the last time they ever saw her again.
Ophelia just sat on the piano stool, frozen. She was staring at her mother who had burst into the room like one of Wagner's valkyries on the battlefield. Ophelia was still processing what had happened, her cheek was burning but other than that she felt numb.
"Ophelia, Pheli... my darling." Jean knelt down next to her and took her hand.
"Mum, is it true? Did I ruin your life?" Ophelia asked quietly. Although she was afraid of the answer, she just needed to know for sure.
"No darling. Quite the contrary. You're the best thing that ever happened to me. You... you're everything to me. Can I hug you?" Jean gave her a hopeful smile. Words just weren't enough to express what she felt for her daughter. Ophelia nodded and sunk into her mother's arms.
"Please don't leave me alone with her again. She was terrible and she... said things until I believed them." She snuggled up more closely to her mum.
"I won't, I am very sorry baby girl. I should have noticed sooner." Jean rocked Ophelia back and forth, she was overwhelmed with guilt. How could she have been so blind?
"I wanted to tell you but she said if I did you'd send me away." That had been her biggest fear.
"I'd never send you away, my darling. I promise." Jean meant it. She had been a very selfish person in the past but she truly loved her daughter more than she loved herself. That day, there was no homework, no piano practice and no barre training. When they went downstairs, Cissy had left, but she had left dinner in the oven for them. What a good friend she was.
It took a while for Ophelia to fully trust her mother again, many months in fact, but Jean knew that they were on a good way, so instead of touring Europe that autumn and winter, she accepted a bunch of engagements in London, not knowing that this decision would turn both of their lives upside down.