surviving my life

heaven and now hell

Catchers p.o.v

After I left marks house I couldn't stop smiling. When Hailey said that mark kept the pictures I smiled bigger. Even through work my smile kept going. Hailey had barely dropped me off and I went inside. Megan was on the couch watching TV. "Where's mark?" I asked her. "Making pizza" she said. I sat down at the other end of the couch and watched the rest if spongebob with her. "Can you do me a favor" Megan whispered to me. I knew she was making sure that mark wouldn't hear so I scooted closer and said "yea sure". "Since tomorrow's Friday I want to spend the weekend at a friends. Her parents said yes and everything but I don't know if mark will let me go. Can u ask him please" she said. She said it with eyes that gleamed and I think even the devil would've helped her. "Ha ok sure" I said. I go into the kitchen and mark is setting a pizza in the oven. "Hi" I said. He turns around and smiles "hi, I hope you're hungry cause that's a extra large pepperoni pizza" I tried not to show my disgust or hunger. "I'm good I got stuff to do so I'll pass". His face turns serious "catcher please you need to eat" he says. "I got stuff to do" I argue. "Like what" he challenges. "Umm..." I rack my brain for any excuses. "I need to find a apartment first of all and I still need to correct my algebra test." I tell him. "You can look up apartments tomorrow and I'll help you with the test but you are going to eat the god damn pizza I made" he said. I racked my brain for more excuse but only found one. "I'll make you a deal" I said. "Anything" he vowed. "Let Megan stay at her friends this weekend and I'll eat a slice of pizza" I told him. He looked at me and then said "two slices or no deal" I was about to say no when I heard the floor creak I looked behind me and saw Megan standing there with pleading eyes and I knew that she heard our entire conversation. "Fine but you also have to help me look for a apartment I can afford" I tell him. Mark nods and smile and turns back to the pizza. I face Megan and mouth "you owe me" as she nods fiercely and mouths "thank you" and then leaves to her room I think. I sit down on one of the chairs at the tables. I tell mark that I'm going to try to correct the test he nods and says ok. I Go to marks room and get my test from my bag. I stare at it and then sigh. I get up and go back to the kitchen "can you help me?" I ask mark. He laughs and sits down next to me. He helps me with the first problem and I try to do a few ony own. I get most of it but mark still helps me with some. When I finish my test I try to go back to my room but Mark blocks the doorway "where do you think you're going?" he asked "back to you the room" I said.  "no you going to eat the two pizzas like our deal" mark said to me   "are you seriously going to make me?" I ask him. "yes I am" he says. I groan and sit back down. "MEGAN! PIZZAS READY" mark yells. A couple seconds later Megan comes running in and grabs two slices of pizza and runs back to her room. Mark gets us each two slices on a plate. " you want to eat here in the room?" mark asked. "In the room so I can look up rooms for rent" I tell him. We walk to his room and sit on the bed with our backs against the wall. I start looking up room/apartments for rent or sale. Mark hands me a pizza as and i start eating it slowly. I find a few in town and very fewer in my price range. I finally find one but its kinda far out and I'm worried how I'm going to get to work and school. "Ugh I also need to buy a car" I say. I start looking up cars for sale and I scan through the pictures looking for one that I like "that one!" mark says and I click on it, its a black SUV and I checked the price I groan as I realized that I can either have the house or the car but not both. "What's wrong?" Mark said. "I can only buy either the car or the room" I tell him. "Well why don't you buy the car and just stay with me a little but longer" he tells me. "Are you sure" I asked him. He smiles at me and says "yea of course". I put my phone away and eats my last piece if pizza. "You done?" Mark asks me when I was finished. I nod and he grabs our plates and leaves the room. I lay down and pull the cover over my head. I close my eyes and try to go to sleep but I can't. Mark comes in and turns the light off. I keep my eyes close and he crawls into bed. I can feel that hes looking at me but i still don't open my eyes, all off a sudden I feel the weight of mark shift and I feel his lips on mine but only for a minute. Then he pulls back. I lie awake for hours even when mark falls asleep I'm still awake. Even though when mark kissed me I was beyond happy but now everything caught up. All the voices in my head screamed louder and sadness hit me like bullets. I could feel the tears already sprouting up so I got out of bed and grabbed my duffle bag and went to the restroom and locked the door. I knelt by the toilet and threw up the pizza. I kept throwing up until I couldn't no more. I stood up and looked at myself in the mirror. "Ugly! Worthless! Fat! Disgusting!" The voices yelled. The tears kept falling as I dug in my duffle bag and took out my blade. "Do it no one cares anyways" they screamed at me. I dug the blade into my skin and watched as little drops of blood started to come out. I kept cutting until I heard a knock.