Suicidal Todoroki x Midoriya | What it Means to Love

42 | If I Died...

A/N:
As a heads up, a good portion of this chapter will be flashbacks from Todoroki.

Shoto Todoroki

Oh. It's this strange, sterile smell again. The bed feels the same. It's hard. It's cold. It's plain. It's so familiar. So I'm at the hospital again? Why here? I'm always all alone. I'm left to 'reflect on my mistakes' for what feels like a year. I don't...want to remember, but I also can't forget. What happened this time? I think Mom and Dad got into an argument about me. About me? It's also because of me. I'm always the reason. It's always my fault. I always make things worse. Whenever I hear them like that, I always feel like my heart's suddenly going to stop—like I can't breathe, and all the air inside me is wrapping around my heart.

Dad's so harsh with Mom. Mom never even raises her voice. But together, they just make me feel so hurt inside to see them and hear them like that. I just wanna cover my ears, tuck myself into my futon, and pretend like it never happened. I want to wake up with a hand on my shoulder, and someone telling me that it was just a nightmare. It's my fault that they're always at a disagreement with each other. Would they be happy if I had never been born? Would they be happier if I was gone? Would they really miss a disgrace to the family name? Would they care if I disappeared one day? Would Dad care if his failed creation never came to disappoint him again? If I died...

White moonlight streams in through the window by my bed, dimly illuminating a vivid rectangle of silver on the white-tiled floor. It calmly caresses my pale skin and causes the small particles of dust twisting about through the air to dance, as if they're millions of performers performing under a massive spotlight. Beyond my reach lies the night sky blooming with hundreds of millions of bright, reassuring stars. At times, gazing out at the lucid sea of stars gracing my eyes forces me to question whether or not I truly have any light awaiting me in the future through the perpetual darkness of my home life.

...would they really care? Would they pretend to care? Would any big differences happen? I just want to make them happy. But I'm no good at that. Everything I do screws everything all up. When I'm sad, I make Mom and Fuyumi sad, and I make Dad really mad. When I'm afraid, Mom spends so much time worrying over me, and Dad tells me I'm a coward and to get over my fears. When I'm happy... When...I'm happy... F-Forget it.

"Mom..." I whisper with grave solemnity, bringing my chin down into my knees. "Dad never lets you come to see me, but I don't get why. You're always so kind to me. Then...maybe I don't deserve anyone being kind to me. Maybe I don't deserve to be happy. Even though I wanna be happy, do I deserve it? I don't think I do. Not when I mess everything up. I'm so selfish. I want to be happy, but I just make everyone so sad. I don't wanna be happy if it means that I'm making others sad. Still, I miss you, Mom."

A tear crawls down my cheek as my lower lip begins to quiver. "I'm sorry I'm not good enough to make you happy. I'm sorry I had to ruin everything. I'm sorry for not being able to take the pain. I miss you, but I don't think you miss me." Soft sobs slowly slip through my lips as two thin rivers of tears collect on my arms.

They argue because of me. Mom's hurting because of me. Why does Dad have to hurt her? She didn't do anything wrong! It was me. It was my fault. Someone like her doesn't deserve to be hurt like that. I'm sorry, Mom. Would it be better if you never saw me again? I feel like I'm just the cause of your pain. I'm just a burden to you. I'm so tired of watching you get hurt because of me. It hurts to be here. It hurts to be alive. I don't want to live if it means I'm hurting you. I'm just better off dead, aren't I? If I died...