Permanent Mark

Chapter Seven

He's gone.

Her Ben is gone and she can't stop crying.

She'd ran, locked herself in her closet, holding onto her yellow dress and her little stuffed pilot, thinking of dancing with Ben.

She's angry, so very angry. At Leia, at Han and even at Ben himself. 

For a moment, she wishes she had never left Jakku. There she loved no one. She couldn't lose what she never had. This is too much. For loving could lead to this. 

Losing. 

But….but if she'd never met him, she never would've known him. Known his laugh, his eyes, his strength. 

She knows she's young. Too young to feel this. Too young to love. She knows that. 

But she's older than the sum of her years. For she has seen death, known hunger and thirst and desperation. She's fought to survive in ways others three times her age had not. 

Even Ben had not. 

And when she read the words on the page, "I'll come back for you, sweetheart, I promise," she knows.

She loves him. She has loved him perhaps before she even knew him. He was what she'd been waiting for, lonely in her AT-AT, marking her days. Her heart soars at the realization. She loves Ben Solo.

But he's gone and this is her deepest secret. She mustn't tell Leia or Han. They'd say she's too young. That he's too old for her. But what is age, anyways? One day she'll be grown and he'll still be grown and maybe, maybe he'd love her too. 

And she'd learned something. Han is ten years older than Leia. 

So she will wait. She'll be good and patient. 

She sits, hugging her dress and basking in her thoughts, made aware that by losing him she's come to see herself. Seeing that he's the boy, no….the man, she loves. Nothing will change that. Nothing will take it away. No one must know, not even Ben. She won't write that to him. She'll wait and tell him. Only nine years and she'll tell him. Hell, she'd survived years on a desert planet, waiting. Waiting is her specialty. 

She can do that. Wait. 

Having resolved her heart's dilemma, she realizes she must face the world again. 

She crawls out of her closet, having cried until she's very thirsty. She's grown accustomed to drinking all the water she can consume. 

Sitting there, outside her door, on the floor are the two people she adores. The two people who do indeed care for her. As mad as she is, she needs them. The girl in her needs Han's fatherly arms and Leia's motherly voice. She crawls to Leia and is enveloped by her. Han also hugs her and they beg her forgiveness in whispered words. 

"I'm so sorry, sweet girl. I'm so sorry you are hurting. We didn't want to hurt you," Leia whispers gently. 

Han smoothes her hair and looks sadly at Leia, his heart hurting. He's never had a daughter to father. It's different. He wants to protect her. Maybe he should stay home more, he thinks. 

"Hey kid, I'm sorry too. Maybe one day you'll understand. Ben needs to go find himself. He'll be back soon. You'll see."

She launches herself at him and he's startled. He's not used to affection, except from his wife. He looks at Leia with surprised eyes, not sure what to do. Leia mouths the words "Just hug her, let her cry" at him. So he does and Rey feels safer, calmer. Ben was always so giving in his hugs and if she can't have him, these similar arms with a similar voice will do.