Permanent Mark

Chapter 34

Ben sat in the meeting for hours with his family, telling all that he knew of the First Order. It was exhausting. 

When he had reached the end of the extent of his knowledge, he knew it was time. He takes a deep breath and leans forward. 

Immediately, Rey senses his emotions. Leia also feels Ben's fear ramp up. 

He stares at his hands, in front of him on the table. He twists his fingers to the point of pain. 

"Ben…." Leia starts.

"What's wrong, Ben?" Rey asks, placing her hand over his. 

Han, who had stood and stretched, weary from the long meeting, leans forward, hands on the table. 

"I need to tell you something. It's….big."

Leia almost speaks but stops, listening. 

Ben is almost whispering. Han sits and looks very concerned. 

"Umm...I don't know where to start...but I have to tell you. Because….me being here...it may be a bad idea...I think I may have to leave"

Then the shouting begins. Everyone, including Chewie, tells him no. They've lost him too many times. 

Fortunately, Finn had left so this was essentially just a family meeting. Chewie, of course, being family. 

Han waited until everyone calmed down. 

"No. No, son. Whatever it is, we can handle it."

"I don't remember when it started…."

Han opens his mouth to speak and Leia sets her hand on his, stopping him. 

Ben looks at his hands the whole time, gently pushing Rey's hand away.

"Um...at first it was like...whispers? Yeah...it was very quiet. I didn't really pay attention. I was maybe four years old?"

Leia takes a deep breath, shuddering. Han just looks confused. 

"It was telling me to run away. That I should go to a certain place and he'd be there, waiting. I knew somehow that someone would be at this place. Sometimes it was just right outside, sometimes further away. Even when we would go off planet, it would tell me to leave you and go to a certain place."

Leia's hand flies up to her mouth and tears form in her eyes. Han runs his hands through his salt and pepper hair. Rey stares at him, waiting for something. 

But Rey already knows. Somehow this is something she already knew. 

"I didn't do what it said. Then, it went away. The voice. It stopped for a while. Then, it started again. I think I was about seven? It said that I was being held back. It said that I was meant for more. That no one was letting me be myself. It said I was special but no one else thought so…."

Ben runs his hands into his hair, pulling hard, still looking down. 

"I didn't know how to make it stop. I thought it was the Force for a while but the Force never made me sad or angry. That's not how the Force works. I'd try to meditate but I couldn't."

Ben pauses, trying to find the words. Living through something is one thing, explaining it another. 

"When one of you would leave, it got louder. Telling me that you didn't love me. Telling me you hated me. I told it no for so long. But then when you two would fight, it sounded like the voice was right."