I lay on the studio floor, ice on my knee and a wet cloth over my eyes.
I kept reminding myself to take deep breaths as I sobbed, and kept my eyes closed.
Ramin would have been here, but he left to go bring the boys to school. He should be here soon.
My knee throbbed, where I had fallen on it while running the routine. Ramin was right. I was wrong.
I saw Tam. He was all around me. He was everywhere. I couldn't escape him. He surrounded me. His face was taped to my eyelids and I couldn't get them away. So I fell.
I heard soft footsteps and someone sat next to me. Their hand ran over my stomach lightly. "I told you that you'd get hurt." Ramin said, and I sighed, more tears falling down my cheeks.
"I know. I'm sorry. I just really wanted to finish this for you and Hadley. And I wanted something to distract me from Tam. But it just made it worse. I see his face everywhere," I said quickly, and his fingers kept tracing the bruise on my stomach.
"Come on, let's get home." Ramin said, lifting me into his arms.
He drove me home, and then I went straight to bed. "Sie, I'm really sorry but I have to get to the theater. They want us to do more rehearsing with a bunch of the new people." Ramin said, sounding guilty and sad.
"It's fine. I'll probably just stay here and sleep." I said, curling up.
He came over to me, kissing my forehead lightly. "Don't move." He whispered, and I nodded, closing my eyes.
He left, and I heard the apartment door shut. But then it opened again a minute later.
I just assumed it was Ramin coming back because he forgot something. I kept my eyes closed, curled up under the blankets.
I heard the heavy footsteps coming closer to me, and I got an eerie feeling. Something wasn't right. Against my better judgement, I kept my eyes closed and tried to fall asleep.
Rough fingertips ran over my arm. I instantly knew it wasn't Ramin. Though calloused from years of playing guitar and banjo, his fingers were soft against my skin.
But I still kept my eyes closed.
Then things went wrong. Really wrong.
The person roughly turned me onto my back, managing to rip off my minimal amounts of clothing in the process. My eyelids flew open, and I was faced with the ugly face of Tam Mutu. And I knew his intentions.
"Please Tam, stop," I begged as he unclothed himself, "haven't you hurt me enough already?"
I screamed. I begged. I cried. He didn't stop. Not for a while. He beat me up too.
He reopened the cut on my cheek. Purposely hit my knee where I hurt it. Punched my stomach. I now had bruises all over my arms and legs. And now a bruise around the cut on my cheek. This would take a lot of makeup and long clothes. Thank god it's winter now.
Tam finally left. I couldn't even say anything. All I could do was curl up and cry.
I knew it didn't help because I did it last time he raped me, but I ran into the shower. Putting it onto the hottest setting, I stepped in.
It burned my skin everywhere. I tried scrubbing the cuts and bruises off my body, like last time, even though I knew nothing would help.
The heat became too unbearable, so I turned it onto the coldest setting. My muscles relaxed slightly, and I rested my head against the wall, fresh tears streaming down my face.
I couldn't let Ramin know. I wouldn't let Ramin know.
I dressed myself in a long sweatshirt and yoga pants, making sure all bruises were invisible. I put makeup around the cut on my cheek to eliminate the bruise. I blow dried my hair and put it into a bun so it didn't look like I showered. I changed the sheets and washed the blankets on the bed, and when they were done, put everything the way it was.
I couldn't bare to get back in bed without Ramin there, so I parked myself on the couch.
The pain surrounded my body, more then last time. Everywhere hurt. Every move I made hurt more.
Ramin can't figure this out. Not from me at least. He would stop worrying about everything but me. He has the show, and Hadley recovering from his concussion, and my crazy career. Plus his own career as well. It's too much for him.
That's why he won't know. That's why no one will know. And I doubt Tam is gonna go around telling paps and his manager that he raped me. Not likely at all.
I laid my head down on the couch, staring up at the ceiling. The apartment was silent, but I could still hear myself screaming and crying for Tam to stop. I heard Tam telling me to shut up or he would hurt me more. I never shut up.
So perhaps it was my fault I was in so much pain.
There was a knock at the door. I sat up quickly, and a surge of pain went through my body.
I slowly and silently made my way to the door, looking through the peephole. It wasn't Tam coming back to tape me again, but just one of my neighbors. I let out a sigh of relief.
"Oh hello," I said when I opened the door, "what's up Skyler?" I asked my neighbor.
"Is everything okay I'm here? I heard yelling and crying?" I silently screamed at myself for being so loud. No one is supposed to know.
"Oh ya, everything is fine. I was just watching a movie, I guess the sound was too loud." I said, hoping she believed me. Skyler looked skeptical, but nodded and walked away.
I sighed again and shut the door, falling on the couch again. I stayed like that for hours until Ramin came home with the kids.
Hadley and Jaiden said quick hellos to me before running away to their rooms. "Do your homework!" Ramin shouted, and only a mumble came out of their rooms. "Hey Sie, feeling okay?"
"Ya I'm fine. It doesn't really hurt anymore." Ya, that's because there were more things that hurt even worse.
"Do you want me to take a look again?" He asked, his hand beginning to pull up my pant leg.
"No!" I shrieked, pushing his hand away. "I mean, no. It's fine. You don't have to." I said quickly, sitting up and pulling my pant leg down.
He looked at me weird, "are you okay? You're acting weird."
"No, I'm fine," he sat next to me, putting an arm around my waist.
"How's the bruise on your stomach?" He asked, trying to lift up my shirt.
"Ramin, I told you I'm fine." I tried to stay calm, but I was just angry and frustrated inside.
Keeping this from everyone is going to be harder than I thought.
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