Say Okay (ON HOLD)

Chapte 58

Esema's pov

I followed Louis into the kitchen away from Harry and the rest of the boys. I've been dreading this moment since I told Louis a white lie about me becoming pregnant with Harry's child and me haivng a miscarriage, but I didn't have a miscarriage. I had Chase Alexander, a very shy,cheeky, gorgeous baby boy.

I don't know how Louis going to react, but if I know Louis like I think I do I know it will all be okay in the long run, but at the present I know that I'm going to get an ear ful on why I didn't say anyting and why I've kept this a secret for so long.

Louis sat down at the kitchen table with his head in his hands as he stared at the vase of roses in the the middle of the table. He always did this when he was trying to figure out why something happened whether it was something small like why did it have to rain on a specific day when something was arranged like going to th beach for instant to something dramatic like chosing a name for a child. I remember Louis meeting a couple who named their daughter something that Louis would call 'ubsurd and setting their child up for constant bullying in his school'. Louis doesn't understand a lot of things but what he does understand is that he can't change people's minds and mother nature.

I  cautiously sat down across from Louis, waiting anxiously for him to talk. After a few minutes of complete silence Louis looked at me and just mumled a very quiet, starined why.

"I wasn't in the right headspace Louis.You need to understand that back then I was in no way ready to become a mum for Chase, but I didn't want an abortion because I don't believe in that sort of thing.I told my mum and you have no idea how dissapointed she was in me for becoming pregnant when I was still a teenager. And don't get me started how agravated she was when I told her about Harry being the father."

"I remeber. She didn't even want you to come with us in the first place."Louis replied,giving me a sympathetic smile.

"Excactly, She hated Harry, so you can just imagine how she reacted when I told her about who the father was. She was fuming. I'm suprised she didn't kick me out onto the streets."

"You know that if she did do that my door would always and still is welcome anytime to you and your little family."Louis said, placing one hand over mine.

"I know Louis, but I couldn't do that to you.It wouldn't feel right, plus it took me a while to even come to terms with the fact that I would soon become a mother to a baby boy or girl. I was still a child myself Lou. I mean babies can't have babies, but I guess I was destined to become a mother at some point even though that point came a lot sooner than I had expected."I replied,squeezing Louis hand.

"Is that why you left so soon?"

"Yes and no. I was so heartbroken when I walked in on Harry and my cousin. I needed to get out, but a week prior I found out I was pregnant, that's why I went to go find Harry to tell him the news, but that didn't really go to plan. So I felt lost and broken. I didn't know what to do, so I left. At the time it was the only thing that made sense in my life. Everything was going so fast and I didn't know how to slow it down. It felt like my feet were glued to the ground but everything around me kept going. It was a nightmare, but when I decided to leave I could finally breathe. Working in the music industry I felt like it consumed me. like it took over my life, that everywhere I went I was reminded that I was the girl who sung, not the girl from a small town who loved to sing just because I could,not because I had to."

"Why didn't you come talk me and the boys if you felt that way?"Louis asked.

"Because Lou."I said standing up before putting the kettle on."Do you want one?"I added.

"Please. Es why didn't you come talk to me?"

"Because I didn't even know what was happening mysel, until I went home. It hit me when I started to show. I started to evaluate my life for the first time since I left home."I sighed"Where are the cups?"

"Top shelf,left handside."Louis explained.

Nodding my head,I grabbed two cups before grabbing a tea bag and the coffee from breakfast bar near the toaster."It's not that I didn't love performing. I loved that, but I hated the fact that when I looked in the mirror I didn't recognise the girl staring back at me."

I turned around to face Louis who was coming up to me,opening his arms out."Come here."

"I missed you so much Louis."I said as i ran into his arms,nearly knocking him over in the process.

"I missed you too Es. Promise me that you won't dissaper off the face of the eart again."Louis said as he rubbed my back.

"You couldn't keep me away even if you tried."I replied before  I started to tear up.

"Don't cry Es."Louis said,as he held me close.

"Mumma whyare you crying?Are you okay?"I looked up to see Chase looking at me with sad eyes."Uncle Louis did you make my mumma cry? I don't like people who make my mumma cry."Chase added crossing his arms over his chest as he stared at Lou.

Pulling away from Louis I made my way over to Chase before picking him up "No bab, uncle Louis did't make muma cry. It's okay baby, mumma's okay  now.See."I said, before whiping the tears away.

"I love you Mumma."Chase said,before resting his head in the crook of my neck.

"I love you too muchkin."I sad,kissing his foreead.

"I'm sorry for acusing you Uncle Lou for making my mumma cry."Chase said, looking at Louis whilst he rested his head on my chest.

"It's okay buddy. Let's go see the others ."Louis said as he finised makng his tea and my coffee.

"Sounds good.'