AS YOU HELD ONTO ME / hs

Nine

- Friday, September 6, 2019 -

Ava smiled at Harry when he glanced over at her, wind blowing into the open windows as his hand squeezed her thigh.

Ava was eight weeks pregnant and excitedly headed to her first ultrasound. Since they'd gotten the news, Harry and Ava had been on such a high. They often talked about how they couldn't believe it was finally happening, discussions of whether they thought it was a girl or boy, how they would share the news with their families. Ava made a framed picture with the words "Baby Styles arriving March 2020" in cursive lettering and bought a tiny pair of knitted slippers to display in a shadow box as an announcement.

They were so completely and totally overjoyed they could barely keep the smile off their faces.

All the pain Ava had been feeling, all the tension, all the blood tests and doctor's visits and procedures were worth it for that feeling.

The couple had taken the day off with plans of going to the ultrasound and then heading upstate for a weekend getaway. They'd woken up slowly, brisk sunlight beaming through the windows that carefully stirred them from sleep. Ava made love to her husband, showered with him, had breakfast together, and then headed to the appointment with bliss written all over her face.

They both kept their smiles at bay in the waiting room, holding hands as they waited for their name to be called. Ava couldn't help but look at the other women in that room and wish she could tell them it would get better. She hoped for them that it would get better.

"Styles."

Ava took a deep breath as excited nerves overtook her system.

The wait felt like an eternity once she was sitting on the exam bed with a paper sheet laid over her lap. Her knee bounced as she stole glances at her husband while he gnawed on his lip. When he felt her looking at him, he smiled before standing up to lean in and press a soft kiss to her mouth.

A quick knock on the door had Steph, one of the nurse practitioners, entering the room with a smile.

"Hi guys," she greeted warmly. "How are we feeling?"

"Good," Ava and Harry said in unison before chuckling softly.

"Good," she laughed. "Okay I'm gonna have you lay back, love."

Steph leaned over Ava to grip the lever on the back of the bed to slowly lower Ava back. Steph grabbed the pillow that she had tucked under her arm and gingerly placed it behind Ava's head before checking that she was comfortable.

Steph spoke as she started to put a pair of gloves on. "Okay, you know the deal, relax your knees and scoot down to the edge." Ava did as instructed while Steph squirted a dollop of warm gel onto the top of the ultrasound probe. "We'll find the heartbeat first and then take a few measurements. And I'll try to get as many pictures for you as I can," she smiled.

"Thanks Steph," Ava returned softly.

Steph had been with Ava since the beginning. Ava developed an attachment to her that she couldn't explain. Steph was there for every procedure and test and was nothing shy of amazing through Ava's journey with that office. She really felt like Ava's ally and she knew Steph had genuinely been rooting for her.

Steph lifted the probe from it's holder. "Alright mom, let's see this baby."

Ava's heart fluttered as she smiled over to Harry, reaching out to link their fingers together. All three of them were quiet as Steph found the little baby, cozy in the bottom left corner of Ava's uterus.

Ava and Harry waited as Steph clicked a few buttons on her computer as she moved the probe to get a better angle.

Ten seconds.

Thirty seconds.

A minute.

Ava's heart was beating wildly in her chest.

Steph clicked a few more buttons, another twist of the probe before clearing her throat.

"I'm- I'm so sorry." Her tone and demeanor were so regretful that Ava already knew.

And it was as if her entire world stopped.

Ava was completely silent as Harry asked questions on her behalf.

Why did it happen? What could they do?

Dr. Sobel came in to double check and confirm that their baby didn't have a heartbeat. His eyes were sad as he delivered the news to the once expecting parents.

Ava sat in a daze as Harry asked him the same questions that he'd already asked Steph. There was talk about something called a D&C, somehow it would be less painful then letting it happen naturally. Ava found herself agreeing without even really listening. Scheduling an appointment for a few days later, Harry added the date to his calendar. Apologies and pitiful eyes looked back at them from every person they had to speak to.

Ava couldn't get out of that office fast enough. She was silent as they walked back to their car, emptier than ever.

And as soon as they closed the car doors, Ava sobbed.

***