AS YOU HELD ONTO ME / hs

Eleven

- Friday, October 11, 2019 -

The past month had been one of the most difficult times in Ava's life. 

She was silently mourning the loss of a child she never even got to meet. She went to work, a place that used to take her mind off the things going on in her life, now not even capable of distracting her.

She thought about it constantly. It came in waves. She was desperately trying to go about her life, keep it together. Yet she still found herself hiding in the bathroom as she cried into a wad of toilet paper. When the rush of sadness would come over her, she escaped to anyplace she could be alone just so she could cry.

Ava and Harry had been exceedingly gentle with each other. All and all, their home was as solemn as it could get.

In the beginning, Ava often cried in the shower at night, a place where she could usually hide it from him. She thought if he didn't see it, he wouldn't be as affected by it. But he knew. Most times, he came and found her with her palms pressed to the wall as the water curtained her hair around her face. Nine times out of ten, he quietly undressed and slipped in behind her, turning her gently so that she could cry into his chest.

As the days and weeks passed, there was always a dull pain just behind Ava's eyes.

She had her follow up appointment with Dr. Sobel that afternoon. He had called a week after the surgery to check on her and ask that she make an appointment with the office to see him to go over the options, if she wanted them.

If she was honest with herself, she wasn't really sure if she did want them. She and Harry hadn't really talked about it. They hadn't really talked about anything.

"Babe?" She heard Harry's voice echo through the house as he closed the back door.

He rounded the corner into the kitchen to find her screwing the lid onto a thermal coffee mug before silently extending it to him. Ava knew her husband and the afternoon coffee pick-me-ups that he enjoyed.

His smile was small as he took the mug and leaned in to press a soft kiss to her cheek. "You ready?"

Ava nodded, grabbing her own travel mug off the counter and linking her fingers with his.

***

"I know it sounds like a long shot. But, it's the only thing I've considered that would give us some explanation as to why you weren't getting pregnant and also why you miscarried."

"But, no one in my family has any autoimmune disorders," Ava shook her head as she looked across Dr. Sobel's desk.

"I know, it doesn't matter. It doesn't need to be passed down. It's actually very rare and not usually hereditary," he explained.

Harry was quiet beside Ava; their fingers linked together as Dr. Sobel explained his reasoning.

Antiphospholipid syndrome.

It was a big, scary word with an even scarier description. Dr. Sobel explained it as an autoimmune disorder that's main symptons were, one, being prone to blood clots and two, the possibility of miscarriage.

"But... I've never had a blood clot."

"I know, but you see, there are rare cases when the disorder is only present during pregnancy. You could have been clotting early on and we would have never known."

Ava looked over at Harry, skeptical. It sounded like a stretch and just one more thing that would end up disappointing them.

Harry turned back to Dr. Sobel. "So, what's your suggestion?"