scarlet's critique shop

✅ When you're gone

Author: sugarhunneyy

Book cover:

I love your book cover. 'Yung previous and 'yung current. Ang aesthetic tignan. Bagay 'yung fonts and colors sa background picture na ginamit mo.

Title:

Hindi gano'n ka-ganda, at medyo predictable agad 'yung mangyayari dahil sa title.

Synopsis:

One thing that makes your story predictable is your synopsis.

You put too much questions. Actually, 'yung buong synopsis is puro questions.

Kung ayaw mong mahulaan ng readers mo ang mangyayari sa story, don't put questions na mag le-lead sa kanila sa answer. Instead, use questions na macu-curious sila. Or kung gusto mo, 'wag mo na lang lagyan and describe the protagonist na lang sa synopsis.

Writing style:

No'ng una, natuwa ako kasi maganda ang writing style mo. Pero habang patagal nang patagal, napapansin ko na 'yung mga mali.

First, the most common mistake of a Filo writer–'yung paggamit ng "nang" at "ng". "rin" "din" "raw" "daw".

Another thing–pinapagsama mo 'yung mga words na dapat hindi naman (e.g. nanaman, etc.)

Don't use (?!). Instead, describe her expression. (e.g. "anong sabi mo?" gulat nitong tanong).

Kapag may text or tawag sa phone, don't use parenthesis. Use quotation marks.

'Wag pahabain ang words like, "haaaaaa", panget tignan.

Narration:

Your narration's excellent, at first. Pero no'ng tumagal ulit, hindi na.

I felt like minamadali mo kada chapter. Hindi dahil maiksi, pero parang naii-skip 'yung mga dapat talagang mangyari.

Check your grammar/s and spelling/s.

Not every thing she does, sasabihin mo.

But it's a good thing na dine-describe mo 'yung paligid or 'yung damit. But again, hindi lahat ng ginagawa niya, sasabihin mo.

It depends on you kung maiksi or mahaba kada chapter, pero sana kung gagawin mong maiksi, 'wag mong madaliin ha.

Magulo pa nang slight 'yung narration, paki ayos.

Characterization:

I saw their flaws, and not-so-good side, and it's not that bad. One important thing para mag mukhang realistic ang story ay ipakita mo na hindi sila perfect.

But it's good na maganda ang samahan ng mag kapatid pati 'yung mag best friend. Medyo magulo lang 'yung Blake at Amarile. hindi ako sure kung friends ba sila, mag kaaway, or soon-to-be mag jowa. HAHAHAHA. But all in all, goods ang mga characters.

Overall comment:

The story's cute. Not that interesting kasi predictable nga, but I'm sure na maaayos mo 'yan. Research lang nang research.

I love how aesthetic your book is. From cover, introduction of characters, to their ig stories and posts. Keep it up!

Rating:

7/10

Suggestion:

Again, research is the key.

Before publishing a chapter, make sure to check the grammar/s and spelling/s.

Check dialogue tags din. Search it.

'wag madaliin 'yung story. It doesn't matter if your story consists of many chapters, basta maayos ang narration, goods tayo diyan.

Lastly, stick to your plot and plans. Take down notes about everything. Para hindi magulo ang story.

Let me know if I helped you. Please leave a vote. Thank you and stay safe! Good luck, luv. Keep writing.