Insider

Six

I think the Falcon was driving the car, but I'm not sure.  Either way, I stayed in the back-seat and close to the car door.  I wanted a drink and Criz, but I doubted I would get some at S.H.I.E.L.D..  Maybe I wanted to change into a fresh pair of clothes and go to bed; my leggings and shirt were stained with blood, and I wasn't even wearing shoes.  All my shit was still at Matt's, and I would probably never see it again.  I've been left with a lot less, but I still shut my eyes remembering all of the possessions I earned to try and equate it with the bare nothingness I was given.

"I think she's asleep,"

The Falcon was speaking.  I quickly relaxed my posture to look like I was sleeping.  The Falcon continued, "What's up with her, anyways?  Looks like she was just in a rumble."

"I think her boyfriend hasn't been too kind to her," the Winter Soldier answered.

You shouldn't talk, I laughed to myself.

"Sharon's probably gonna want to talk to her," Falcon said.  "S.H.I.E.L.D. really wants to take down Crimson Night, and this kid's somehow almost second in command."

 "I know,"

"I don't care how old she is, she's committed serious crimes."

"Sam, stop."

Yeah, Sam, stop!

They started chatting about someone from the Avengers, I honestly have no idea who the fuck it was.  Part of me just wanted to get to the Triskelion, but the other half just wanted the peacefulness of driving to last forever.  But, the only thing I could do now was gather intel; sure they were helping me, but at what cost?  If not a jail cell, what other ways could S.H.I.E.L.D. punish me for my crimes?  If I had to make the decision to escape again, I wanted to have enough information to expose S.H.I.E.L.D.'s true nature to the rest of the world.

In the mere hours of the morning, we arrived at the Triskelion.  Sharon was waiting for us there, holding a blanket out for me.  I refused any assistance at all and stumbled inside the building.  No one was there, it was empty and white.  I felt like I was in Hydra.

However, I wasn't dragged into a room.  I walked.  And I wasn't screaming or crying either.  I felt like it, though.  I didn't see the Winter Soldier or the Falcon, but that was probably for the best given my current mood.  My hands were fidgeting too much with my knife.  Sharon led me to a secluded area, much less like a prison or hospital room.  The door didn't lock on the outside, and there was an open window revealing the Potomac River.  The bed and sheets were stark white, the walls were a pale yellow.  There was a small desk by the window, with a spinning office chair.  One door led to a bathroom and shower.  Apart from that, there was no character to this room; Sharon told me, "We're still trying to make housing here ever since the Avengers facility was destroyed in the Blip."

"Huh.  I robbed that place a few years ago."

"What?"

"Nothing,"

After Sharon left, some other S.H.I.E.L.D. agent offered me some clothes.  Thank the lords that they were normal civilian clothes- I hated their uniforms and white nightgowns.  After showering and changing into black leggings and a red sweatshirt, I lay on my bed and stared at the raven black sky listlessly.  

Tonight I didn't get any phantom pain, I only had to endure the injuries sustained by my suicide, and of course Matt.  I didn't have an excuse to need Criz, but I wanted it to help me sleep.  I was kept awake, scared about what would happen in the new day.  It hurt knowing that I no longer had the security of Crimson Night, I had no family.

We would run away, we would be together.  God, how my life had gone downhill since Oliver and I's promise.  A life in the woods sounded perfect- I would collect herbs and berries because I never wanted to kill anything, and Oliver would hunt and fish.  Our house would be made of leaves and logs, we would have a warm hearth in the centre.  It would back onto a river, Oliver and I would play in the water when the days were hot and skate when it froze over.  I would recite history lessons learned from Papa, and Oliver would teach me Russian and Finnish.  I was so close to finally seeing them again, and living freely for eternity.  They would be so disappointed if they could see me now.

My feet brought me towards the front of the room. 

"Ich liebe dich, Ollie.  Ich liebe dich, Papa."

Gingerly, I touched the doorknob; it opened with ease- I wasn't locked in.  Slowly, I opened the door, my knife held protectively at my side.  No one was in the hallway, but I heard echoes of voices to the left of me.  I traced the hall with my fingers, and moved toward the voices cautiously.  As the voices grew louder, my heart rate increased into a throb against my chest.  

My back hit the wall, and my dagger was raised to my chest in attack stance.  Why was I so fucking afraid of voices?  Something inside me was saying that even if S.H.I.E.L.D. did try to help me, I would always be an outsider to them.  I am and always will be an outsider, never belonging anywhere.

"Elissa?"

The Winter Soldier was in the hall.

"Are you going to fucking kill me?" I shrieked, even startling myself.  

"No-"

"Get away from me!"  The Falcon and some other person rushed out of a room.  "Get away!" I yelled, whirling around and darting down the hall.  Where the hell was I going?  I don't know.  What the hell was I thinking?  I don't know either.  

I ran up a flight of stairs, my feet weighing me down like bricks and my sides burning with pain.  Gasping for air, I shoved a heavy door open and was met with the night's sky.  The moon was full and silver, its droplets of light reflecting against a mist of rain.  Water slid down my cheeks, soaking against my skin.  My feet brought me to a ledge upon the rooftop, and I leaned against it.  Before I knew it, words tumbled out of my mouth endlessly.  

"I don't know if there's a God, but I want to believe that there's a heaven.  God, if you are real, I'm ready to join you now.  I am certain that my father, mother, and brother Oliver are waiting for me."

"I've done some terrible shit in my life, I've fucked up pretty bad.  Maybe I don't deserve to go to heaven, but I wouldn't mind to see my family at peace one last time before I end up going to hell... or wherever.  Despite what these people at S.H.I.E.L.D. say, they aren't going to help me- I will end up being shot or locked up in a prison for all eternity.  I kind of just want to save everybody a step.  Look, I think it's my time, and I want to make a deal.  Send Oliver back down to Earth so he can see his mother again, and take me instead.  I can go to the depths of hell if you desire.  I just want to tell Oliver that I'm sorry I lost his necklace, and I'm sorry  thatI couldn't save anyone that I loved."

My legs gave out, and I buckled over to the ground.  I'm ready, I thought sleepily, as my eyes began to drift into darkness.  Smiling warmly was my brother, and I used every last ounce of strength to reach my arm towards him.

"It's not your time, Elissa." Oliver told me.