Insider

Fifteen

Survival of the fittest.  That's what being with Trish felt like- if I could outlast her and the rest of Crimson Night, I would be able get my mission done.  I just didn't know if I was capable of such a task.  

"Now you look like yourself again," said Trish as I emerged from the bathroom.  I wore the signature crimson leather jacket, black combat boots, a camoflauge-print skirt, and a shiny black tank-top.  My hair was up in a braided ponytail, teased stiff with hairspray and streaked with red.  I walked over to Trish and smiled.  She touched my hand and placed two green-and-white morsels:  Criz.  Grinning so much that she looked haunted, Trish drawled, "I don't know what S.H.I.E.L.D. did to you, but you were probably so hungry for this; as soon as I found out that you were coming home, I gathered some."

"Thank you," I replied.  When she wasn't looking, I stuffed the things into my pocket.

"Let's go downstairs, Tobias is there.  You'll have to tell us all you know."

Shit.

I went downstairs and locked eyes with Tobias.  He glanced at his wife anxiously, then back at me.  It was as if it were my fault that Trish was like this.  In some ways, it was.  She addressed the gathered gang members with a flick of her boney wrists, and exclaimed pompously, "My right-hand lady is back!  You all remember Sarah Callaughan, right?"

"Hey," I said, crossing my arms.

Before Trish could continue, Tobias stepped forward and placed a hand on my shoulder.  "You've seen Jasmine?" he asked, low-toned and serious.

"S.H.I.E.L.D. has her." I answered.  "Along with Matt's sister, Rose.  I can assure you we were all well taken care of."

"Bullshit." scoffed Trish.  "Bet they said the same thing 'bout Stacey."  But, as if forgetting about her daughter entirely, Trish questioned, "What do they know about Crimson Night and our Criz?  What did they interrogate you about?"

I didn't lie, I just bended the truth and said, "They wanted to know about why people are mixing the drug with other things and dying.  They wanted to know about a new deadlier version of Criz that's been spreading around the streets."

Trish shrugged and replied nonchalantly, "Look, I can't control what people mix Criz with.  Why bother telling them when they'll do it anyways?  And this new drug?  My father, rest his soul, was weak.  Everything in life comes with a risk, he had this new Criz ready but was too weak to share it.  I've seen what it does, and it's beautiful.  It can bring you true happiness.  If you use it sparingly, the dosage will be too low to kill you instantly."

"Why haven't you told the public that?" I questioned, gritting my teeth in an attempt to conceal my agitation.  

"Bad for sales."  

She's gone fucking crazy.  When Azazel died, something snapped in his daughter.  Something that had been brewing since her sister's untimely death- a sweet desire for revenge against S.H.I.E.L.D. and what it stands for.  Trish was battling the world.  It dawned on me that I know this feeling because I once felt it too.

How I wanted time to stop, to be with Oliver in our cabin in the woods.  When Hydra took him from me, I vowed that I would be their worst nightmare.  I craved vengeance.  I did bad things to fulfill that need.  But, the one thing that S.H.I.E.L.D. taught me is that there is goodness in everything and everyone.  Vengeance won't get you what you want, vengeance won't bring back what you've lost.  The key to happiness is to be good, to do good things to help instead of harm.  I think after a while the people at S.H.I.E.L.D. cared for me, and I cared for them.   

This whole time I thought I'd find peace in darkness and solitude, but I was wrong.  I was stuck in the past when I had the ability to move forward.  How could I have not seen that?

Survival of the fittest is bullshit. I was not determined to survive, I wanted to thrive.  And I made a new vow:  If I made it out of this alive, I would attend and testify at the trial, and clear James' name.  Because the Winter Soldier was not him, and there is goodness in everyone.  

A tear fell down my scarred cheek, I brushed it away before anyone saw.  Because in that contrasting moment between Trish and I, I was able to find myself again.  

My name is Elissa Fleur.  And I am not an outsider.