What Did I Do!?

11

Time Skip

Sleepover

It was currently 8:45 p.m. and kairi and mattia was sat on the Italians bed, a good distance away from each other. Kairi had decided to act calm when around mattia because he knew nothing good ever last's with him, kairi layed there on his phone while mattia just sat there spaced out thinking about god knows what. Kairi had gotten up to use the bathroom, while kairi was in the bathroom mattia heard a knock at the door— confused on who it could be he answered it.

Mattia

I opened my room door to see my mother, she was standing there a bit anxious and uneasy and it was very noticeable.

tia: "Mama? What's wrong?"

She scratches the back of her neck before stepping to the side, at first I was confuse by her actions until I saw her eyes lead to up the stairs. I followed her gaze only to see a tall figure, I immediately knew who it was from the hair— Tayler, it was Tayler.

tia: "Mama! What is he doing here?"

I whisper yelled, see I lied to kairi about letting go of Tayler, I would love to let go of Tayler for kairi but when I tried to break up with him it ended in us having sex. I didn't say anything after that nor did I actually break up with him, I felt bad for lying to kairi but I don't know a part of me just doesn't care.

M/M: "He wanted to come over for the sleepover, and plus he's your boyfriend so why not?"

I mentally groaned at what she said but my attention was turned to my bedroom door when I felt it push forward a little, when I peeked my head to look into my room I saw kairi hurrying back to the bathroom. I had a feeling he hears everything.

Kairi

I had gotten out of the bathroom but I didn't see mattia, that's when I heard talking coming from outside his room door. I slowly creeped over to the door pressing my ear softly against the door to hear better.

I heard mattia say something to his mother? I didn't really understand what he said much but what I heard next I heard completely fine and loud and it struck me back.

M/M: "He wanted to come over for the sleepover, and plus he's your boyfriend so why not?"

I mentally bawled my eyes out at what I heard, I could feel the hot tears burning my eyes and they threatened to cascade down my cheeks like a decor water fountain out in a village. I slightly leaned forward too much pushing on the door and I bolted back to the bathroom when I saw the doorknob be fiddled with, as I was rushing back to the bathroom I heard the door open and I hoped that no one saw me— especially mattia.

I got into the bathroom and locked the door, I was so lost in thought the words echoing back in my head "He's your boyfriend." It wasn't about me that's for s e because mattia never made us official, so I started to think the worst of course and I started overthinking the situation that I didn't hear the door be viciously shook.

I got up and brushed myself off opening the door, it was mattia, he stood there with a look of worry but I brushed it off and scooted past him ignoring his questions about "Am I okay". I walked into his room about to flop out on the bed when I saw Tayler, I froze in my tracks taking in everything.. finally putting the pieces together. Tayler was still mattia's boyfriend, it hurted me it did but I couldn't help but think I put this on myself.

tia: "Uh yeah, kai Tayler is-

kai: "Mhm whatever."

I was annoyed at this point, not at tayler or mattia but at myself, I've always had a soft spot for mattia and I've hated it cause no matter what he does to me I'm gonna want him in my life, and that's the most fucked up part.

Third Person

It was now 11:23 p.m. and mattia's birthday was only minutes away, mattia was currently live with tayler all up on him. The comment section was blowing up asking where kairi was and as much as mattia wanted to say kairi was there he just didn't want to say anything bad to trigger the smaller boy, it was now 11:59 and kairi watched the time for when it struck 12.

As soon as it struck 12 kairi got up and made his way to the camera to come in view, he tapped on mattia's shoulder and gained the boy's attention and said.

kai: "Happy birthday, kid. Now good night."

The way kairi said was pretty nonchalant, he cared for the boy's birthday but he was still too annoyed at the previous events that took place.

tia: "Kai you can sleep on my bed ya know?"

Mattia tried to get the latter to sleep in the same bed as him tonight because he knew how kairi hardly slept, but he frowned at the response he got.

kai: "I'll be fine on the pull out couch, seems like the bed is gonna be pretty occupied already."

Mattia could hear the sass in kairi's voice and it made him grow angry.

tia: "What the fuck does that mean?"

Kairi was kinda shocked but he expected it from the Italian boy, mattia had always been known for taking the smallest things and making a big deal out of it. Kairi only shrugged in response and laid down.

kai: "Mattia I'm tired, not right now."

And with that kairi dozed off, or that's what mattia thought. Kairi wasn't asleep in fact he was wide awake contemplating whether or not he was ever good enough for anyone, he wanted to feel happy, feel loved, but he knew every time he tried finding those things it ended badly. He was silently crying as he heard the kissing in the background from mattia and tayler.

It was 1:34 p.m. and mattia's room was lit with red led lights as him and tayler continued to make out, kairi was turned away from them quietly sobbing his eyes out trying not to be heard. He felt horrible because he knew what they have he could never get, he knew that he would continue to be a worthless piece of shit who isn't enough for anyone. Kairi told himself all of that so much in a time span of 5 minutes that he believed it himself.

Kairi was always an over-thinker and everyone knew when he thought negative about himself it would only be a matter of time before he started to believe what he was saying.

Small Time Skip

The two lovers had fallen asleep wrapped in each others arms, but kairi was still awake not gaining one bit of sleep. He slowly rose from the pull out bed and made his way to his bag, he slowly unzipped the small part of his Jansport backpack and pulled out a tiny shiny object. He closed his bag back and made his way to the bathroom making sure to not make any noise when entering.

*Self Harm scene approaching*

Kairi entered the bathroom and locked the door, he sat down on the floor infront of mattia's shower and pulled the sleeve up on his plain black hoodie. He hesitated at first on doing what he was about to do but he really didn't see anyway else to handle how he was feeling, he gently sat the edge of the sharp razor on his soft delicate skin and he forcefully pressed down and dragged it across his arm watching as the blood builded up in the cut snd started to drain down his arm, not wincing at all from the pain but only smiling as he was numb to it.

Kairi had done this 23 more times, watching as his arm was completely drenched in blood. He didn't care because he deserved it, because he was worthless, because he wasn't enough.  After kairi had cleaned himself up and the blood on the floor in mattia's bathroom he exited out the bathroom not caring if he woke them and made his way to his bag so he could out away the razor. He got back into the pull out bed and sighed, shutting his eyes feeling himself doze off finally thinking 'Yes I can sleep.'

WC: 1437

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A/N: so here's an update, i know i'm slow with the updates but i'm really trying. i don't feel good, i'm mentally and physically hurting and i just want to feel better. anyways enough about me and my pathetic ass, hope you enjoy and have a good day/night (time zones y/k).
-H🤧