Impulse

TWENTY-FOUR: CONSENT

It was a bright new day, the events of yesterday kept lingering on my mind, it left a bad after feeling shadowed through my thoughts all through yesterday and I woke up with it still. I never knew what sharing a man felt like, I never understood how women in my position live with it. It's like a bad after taste, it spoils everything.

Just having her here yesterday brought back all the feelings I had for him, the pain of losing him was higher. Now I had him too but it felt more a loss than a win.  The mere idea of him being with another body and then going inside me disturbed me, I could probably never let him touch me with that idea stuck in my mind.

I took my time in the shower, with my eyes closed as my head looked up enjoying the water flow down my body giving me the most pleasurable feeling of clean. I heard the shower door slide open behind me, my eyes jolted open just as my heart raced in fear of who it must be as I stood naked In the shower. Before I could turn to look, I felt his bare skin behind me, his hands circled my chest and his lips just by my ears "want some company?" He whispered.

It sent shivers down my spine, gasping I pushed Abdulmaleek away from me "stop it, stop right now"

He looked surprised that I'd react that way "why?" he asked looking annoyed. It just hit me that we had been married for 3 days and there are things expected of me as a wife.. as his wife.

I shoved passed him grabbing a towel, as good as it felt, I hated him touching me. He followed me out "Tahira, why?"

"Get out!" I screamed right at him, and immediately turned away as my eyes saw certain parts of him. My wet hair fell to the side of my shoulder, he came close to me, so close he was almost touching me "you're here but I miss you, I want you. Tahira!"

He slowly pushed my hair back, instinctively I slapped his hands. Perplexed he moved back, "Tahira!"

"you have a wife, go to her."

"you're my wife too"

"yeah! Congratulations, you own my body. You can have my body,  I won't stop you if you insist, just know that I am fighting you in my mind." I saw the light dim from his eyes, his desires slowly turning into an emotion I could not quite read. He took a step back "wow!" he muttered, his eyes now focused on floor, hurt.. that was the emotion I couldn't earlier read. He was hurt from what I said, then slowly he picked his towel that he must have dropped on my bed before invading my shower earlier and out through the door he went.

I dropped to the bed, my eyes watered as my breath caught in my throat. How dare he just violate me like that, tears drew fast dropped on the sheets as I tried to steady my breathing.

Why did I just do that to him, why did I say that. I feel like love making no matter what should be consensual and enjoyed by both parties, but Abdulmaleek's hand felt like fire burning my skin. No to mention the disgust that poked vomiting feeling just down my throat, I didn't want him touching me.. not in the slightest bit. How can I feel like this towards my own husband? I knew one person that would help me with this problem.. Teemah, and she was nowhere to be found.

****

ABDULMALEEK

There was no mistaking the tune Tahira came at me with, it was a tune I had seen her use before severally when talking about things or people she hated, one of those people now includes me. The hurt I felt was the most excruciating pierced pain I haven't felt in a long time. What hurt me the most was when she said "..you can have my body.." The idea of having any woman without consent was the most degraded I have ever felt, maybe I should have knocked first, maybe I should have asked, maybe I should not have assumed that she being my wife makes her my property, she was allowed to say no even though it wasn't a good thing for her. Maybe I should have taken things slower.. anything but push myself on her in the shower. Three days, since I married her and I have never wanted anything this badly. Her love, her touch, her kiss, the Tahira I always wanted.  

I closed my eyes, something inside me felt like crying, not that it was going to happen at this point. That reminded me of how viral the video of our wedding went, people really have nothing better to do and that saddens me too.

My mind was made up, I will not touch her until she vividly, clearly tells me too.  I love her, I will have to wait till she feels that again too.