LONDON BOY

22. Sinking Battleships

Listen to this song on repeat to get in this chapter's mood:
CH 22: La La Lost You (acoustic version) - Niki

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Another day starts waking up alone in the middle of the night. It takes you a while to gather what day it is. The sun had died away behind the city skyscrapers hours ago. The moon was shining down into your bedroom and you found yourself wondering if he was still awake, or if he hadn't slept at all the past week, just like you.

He's probably sleeping just fine – you convince yourself. Over a week has went by where you haven't heard from Tom at all.  Still, some part of you hopes he wonders about you too sometimes.

3:00 a.m. – you see on the home screen of your phone. You open Instagram and try to make your way through the non-ending list of DMs. People started commenting on your stories and posts, wondering where Tom was. They started speculating about your break-up, and the posts from TMZ and E! News suggesting you and Haz were an item, didn't make it any easier. You can feel yourself getting nervous, reading those comments, so you place your phone back on your nightstand.

You feel empty. The bed was so big and cold without his body next to yours in the morning. You know now all of it was probably fake, and he probably only suggested you'd live together for the pictures that the paparazzi would take of him leaving your apartment the morning after.

But he could've slept in the spare bedroom, right? Instead, you often woke up in the middle of the night, his arms wrapped tightly around your waist, feeling his breath on your bare shoulder.

Not this time though. This time, you woke up feeling painfully lonely, just like you had been the previous nights. The absence of someone who used to be there, hurts every day.

Still, something kept you holding on to nothing. For the first two days, you thought he would come sweeping through the front door at any second. You stayed home the entire day, afraid that if you'd leave, you'd miss him walking through the door. You only left the house for a quick run to get coffee and food, wishing that he'd be home when you returned. You hoped he'd come back to you. But the lack of communication showed you, you thought wrong.

You'd been trying to convince yourself that you had bigger dreams and aspirations than kissing his loving lips again. But focussing on Valey Girls was basically impossible. Whether you were at the boutique, at home, or the coffee shop around the corner – all you could do, was feel his presence everywhere. The sheets, your shirts, the couch – they all smelled like him. You cancelled all your non-essential plans the past week, hoping he would come sweeping in, or simply give you a call. But never before, had you been more mistaken.

It was 3:30 a.m., but Tom was still wide awake and couldn't fall asleep. He tried to convince himself it was the crappy couch in Haz' Airbnb that was the cause of his discomfort, but he knew all too well what the actual source was. He couldn't shake the image of your tear-stained face as you crashed into the hardwood floor, from his mind. It was all he could see whenever he closed his eyes the past week. His head was filled with demons, all of them wearing your smile.

He knew he once made you happy. But then, he hurt you in the worst way he probably could have. He took away the happiness he had handed to you so carefully; snatching it away in an instant. And by the looks of it, he had left you with move than just a scratch.

He cursed himself for what he did to you. He still couldn't wrap his head around the fact that he had chosen to stay with Emma that night, instead of rushing to be at your side like he should have. He was so proud of all you had accomplished. Yet, that night, he had somehow convinced himself that you would be better off without him. If you love someone, set them free, right?