Habits

Let Me Fix You

Pairing: Mostly just about Quinn but Quinn/Rachel at the end.

Warning: Panic attack.s

I wasn't sure exactly when it started, maybe when I was about 10 or 11, I started to get panic attacks. At first it would only be after bad dreams. Pretty rare. But, as I got older, they got more frequent. Maybe after kids would pick on me.

And then I joined cheerleading.

It would happen after losing a big competition. Before going on to perform for cheerleading, even. But then it started to be triggered more easily.

I would get them before exams, tests, quizzes. I didn't understand why, but I hated it. I hated that I had no control over my body in the time that an attack would wash over me.

I hate how weak I was for letting myself get to that point. I was pretty sure that, somewhere deep down inside of me, I knew that it wasn't my fault. That I couldn't control the attacks.

I would always get really antsy about things. Because I felt like almost anything could trigger an attack. It didn't help that I had asthma, either. I'd run out of my inhalers way before I should've.

But after the whole pregnancy thing, my attacks seemed to lessen. I truly thought I was getting better.

Until I got hit with an attack after almost two months without one. It was the worst I'd ever had. I felt like I completely stopped breathing. My vision blurred and became spotted. I could hear voices telling me how worthless I was. How nobody would miss me if I disappeared. How all their lives would be better if I wasn't around.

The scariest part was that I almost believed them without a fight.

I almost had another one when I found out that Karofsky attempted suicide. I had been one of the people that gave him the hardest time about kurt.

Of course nobody really knew that I did. He threatened Kurt's life and I wasnt going to let that slide. But then I heard about him.

I was pretty sure that my heart stopped beating.

When we were in the God Squad meeting, I was glad to see Kurt join us. Glad that he was able to forgive Karofsky enough to pray for him, even though he didn't believe in God. But then, when I only told Kurt that I didn't choose to kill myself when I had problems. Fuck.

I never meant that Karofsky's problems meant nothing. I didn't. It just came out. I was so upset that he would've resorted to taking his own life.

I was infuriated when Kurt told me that 'the world never stopped loving me.' Because he didn't realize that the world never loved me in the first place.

Kurt didn't know half of my story. He only knew that I got pregnant at 16 and then tried to get my baby back after getting a bad dye job.

But then I started to let the thoughts come back. I wasn't able to block them out.

I ran out of the room as quickly as I possibly could. I found the first door that wasn't locked and slammed it shut behind me.

I didn't realize it was the choir room.

I sat in a corner on the floor. My hands were over my ears as I tried to stop the voices seeping into my brain.

My eyes were clenched shut.

You know that he didn't really mean that. He meant that you should've just killed yourself.

The voices said. If I bothered to remember this, I'd probably see how crazy the voices would sound if I were in the right state of mind.

"No." I murmured.

Yes. He doesn't like you. None of them do. You might as well just leave now.

"Stop." I said louder.

I can't though, Quinn. I'm here to help you. All you need to do is end it.

"Stop it!" I screamed. I was rocking back and forth with my knees up to my chest when I felt a gentle hand on my back. "Get away!" I screamed. "Leave!" I wasn't even sure who I was speaking to.

"Quinn. It's okay." Came the familiar voice of Rachel Berry. "You're okay. Just listen to me, Quinn."

But I could barely even register that I was being spoken to.

I felt how hard it was becoming to breathe. I didn't realize that I needed my inhaler.

Rachel must've heard me wheezing and remembered that I had asthma from when we were younger and I left my inhaler at home. I had to be taken to the hospital.

"Quinn. I need you to focus on my voice." Rachel said gently.

My screams had died down into murmurs.

"I need to know where your inhaler is, Quinn."

When she got no answer, Rachel looked in the pockets of my clothing until she found what she was looking for. She rubbed my back in soothing circles and held the other girl close.

My gasps for breath reminded her of the task at hand. She placed the inhaler to my lips and pumped once. She waited a few seconds before pumping again.

My breath became to even out until I was only sobbing into Rachel.

Rachel was probably practicing in the choir room. She always did when she had a free block. I remembered walking in on her one time.

When I sat silently, leaning against her, Rachel decided she needed to speak.

"You're broken, Quinn." She whispered to me, and God was she right. "You're broken and you need help putting yourself back together. You may not want to admit it to me, but you do. I can see it when I look at you. Santana and Brittany practically shoved you out of the Unholy Trinity." I always felt left out with those two. And the thought of not being close with them only brought on a fresh set of tears.

"Everybody was there for Kurt when he was getting bullied, or Santana when she was outed." She continued. "But nobody thought to stop and think about you. Nobody is strong enough to handle everything on their own. And I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure that you don't have to." She told me determinedly, placing a chaste kiss on my forehead before leaving the choir room. The room became silent, the only noise was the sound of my sobs.

A/N: Well. This was all over the place. I'm sorry about that. I just kind of needed to take out all of my anxieties into this. So, I'm almost 100% sure I'm going to make this into a full fic. But not until both of my other stories are finished. Two stories is more than enough to handle at the moment. So for now it's a one shot. I hope you enjoyed it at least.