Habits

Thanks

Pairing: Santana/Rachel friendship

Warning: Self-harm

I don't remember how I got here. I rarely remember these moments. I was sitting on the floor in the girls washroom, bloody wrists, tear-stained cheeks, and a blood-stained razor blade next to me.

The toilet was filled with vomit and I was pretty sure I could hear footsteps approaching.

It was really bad. Usually I never let myself get that bad. I seemed to have lost all control.

Suddenly, the bathroom door flung open and I could hear somebody coming up to the stall I was in.

"Santana?" I was pretty sure I recognized that voice. I think it was Rachel. I couldn't even bring myself to care that the diva would see me in such a position. I didn't have the energy.

"Santana are you in here?" And the voice was definitely Rachel's.

I could barely keep my eyelids open at that point.

"Oh my god. Open the door, Santana." Rachel said worriedly.

I didn't even understand what she wanted me to do. I barely heard the stall door next to me open before Rachel was sliding under the stall and gasping.

"Oh, San." She whispered. She unlocked the stall I was in and helped me to the sink.

For such a little girl, she had a lot of strength, considering she practically carried me to the sink and then raised me on to the counter.

She seemed to understand that I had no energy and she let my back rest against the wall while she grabbed paper towels and started to gently clean the wounds on my wrists.

She grabbed the first-aid kit from the wall in the washroom and took the antiseptic out. "This is going to sting a bit, okay?" She warned, she didn't realize that I was already numb.

I could only faintly feel her dabbing the liquid onto my cuts before she wrapped my still-bleeding forearms in gauze.

I heard her say that she'd be back in a minute, but didn't pay any mind to it.

My brain was starting to feel fuzzy and I was getting sleepier.

Sleep. That sounded really nice.

I let my eyes drift close before the bathroom door opened once again.

"Santana?" Rachel asked. She sounded so broken and scared. "Santana. I need you to stay awake, okay? Just keep your eyes open. We need you to get better for Sectionals, remember?" She asked with a forced smile, even though tears were still streaming down her face.

"Sectionals." I managed to rasp out.

"Yeah, Sectionals. You have a solo, remember?" She was obviously trying to keep me engaged in conversation. I just played along to the best of my ability.

"Yeah. I beat.. I beat you to.. To a solo." I managed out as she pulled my soiled top off of me and put a WMHS hoodie, that was two sizes too big and clearly from the lost and found, on my body.

"Yeah, you did. And you're going to rock that stage. You just have to stay awake long enough, alright? I know you're tired but I need you to stay awake. Otherwise it'll be hard to perform at Sectionals. And then I'll beat you. And you don't want me to beat you. Do you remember what song you're singing?" She was still smiling sadly and she was still was still crying. I could tell that she was holding back sobs.

"I'm.. I'm singing.. Valerie. Yeah, that. A-and.. Hell.. Hell no. Santana.. Lopez.. Doesn't..." I trailed off. I didn't even remember what I was trying to say.

"That's right, Valerie. And you'll do amazing. And no, Santana Lopez doesn't lose. So let's get you better so you can beat me." She practically read my cloudy mind.

I felt Rachel leave me and faintly heard the toilet flush.

"Water." I rasped out after a moment.

Rachel all but ran to her backpack and pulled out a plastic Contigo water bottle.

She held it up to my mouth and tilted my head back slightly. I managed to part my lips enough for her to let it trickle into my mouth slowly. The cold water felt so refreshing on my dehydrated tongue.

I didn't feel Rachel help me down from the counter and drag me out of the bathroom. I only realized we left school when she had bucked me into the passenger seat of her car and shut the door gently.

"W-where-"

"You need to go to the hospital, San. My dad's a doctor. He can help you, I promise. But I need you to stay awake." Rachel cut me off gently, not giving me a chance to respond before pulling out of the parking lot. Not that I would've been able to respond. I barely comprehended the information she gave me.

The drive to Lima Memorial Hospital seemed short. Rachel had kept me giving some sort of answer throughout the entire drive, but I can barely recall what we talked about.

She helped me inside the large building and sat me in a chair before going up to the reception desk and saying something to the lady.

I saw the lady's facial expression change to a determined one and suddenly Rachel was back at my side.

As Rachel guided me into a room, I felt my senses coming back to me. I still had almost no idea what was going on, but I was noticing more things.

Like how the room I was in had a plaque with the name 'Dr. Hiram Berry' engraved in it.

I was sitting in the examination chair and Rachel took up a spot on the stool next to me, her hand was in mine and she'd gently squeeze every so often so I'd faintly squeeze back to let her know I was there.

After a few minutes, a tall man with grey hair and glasses walked in the room.

"Daddy." Rachel breathed.

I was immediately being hooked up to machines, it didn't really scare my though. Actually, I barely even noticed it.

"Can I sleep now?" I asked Rachel.

She smiled sadly at me and nodded. "Yeah, San. You can sleep now."

I smiled the sweetest smile I could muster, which wasn't much, before finally drifting off.

*

It had been 3 days since Rachel found me in the washroom. I woke up the next morning really confused until it all came back to me.

I started to sob hysterically and they used some type of drug to calm me down.

My parents were called down to the hospital and I suddenly felt full of shame. My mother was crying while my dad looked stone cold.

They finally let me leave after 3 days. Rachel hadn't visited me at all, part of me was kind of grateful for the space she was giving me. But, part of me also wished she'd come and see me.

Since I was released on a Thursday, my parents decided to make me stay home until the following Monday. My time spent at home was in my bedroom. I never left my room other than to get food.

Then Monday came. I had a mission, and that mission was set in place right after my mom reluctantly dropped me off at school.

I marched down the hall and ignored all the strange looks I was getting. My forearms were still bandaged, but I was wearing a long sleeve to hide it.

I got to Rachel's locker and closed it before looking at the shorter girl awkwardly.

"Um. T-thanks for what you did for me. On Monday. It was really cool. And your dad was really nice about the entire situation. He explained to me what could've happened if you hadn't found me and properly dealt with the.. Cuts. So, I just thought I'd say thanks." I spoke quickly before turning on my heel and starting to walk away.

I heard a small "you're welcome" and smiled to myself as I continued on down the hall.

A/N: So, I kinda poured my feelings into this. Sorry. I hope you have a great day.