Saved by the Way (SLOW REVISIONS)

Chapter 14

It was chilly in my room. I had been chilly a lot lately. I had noticed a few changes in myself lately. My cheeks and lips had lost their color. My eyes no longer sparkled. My hair didn't shine like it used to. In fact, my hair was slowly falling out. Gerard wouldn't recognize me when he got home. He'd leave me. I was too ugly for him to like me anymore.

My door was locked. I only left my room when I absolutely had to. I only left my bed when I absolutely had to. I was embarrassed. I felt guilty. I hated myself.

I let the rape happen.

I was so angry. I was so depressed. I had cut myself so deep that I could see the layer underneath. I hated that most I think. I had let myself down. I had let Gerard down. He was going to be angry and upset.

Suddenly, my phone buzzed. I groaned and checked it.

A new text. Who would want to talk to a loser like me?

HEY FATTY! HOW'S IT GOING!?

-Taylor^o^

How did you get my number

-Scarlett^ω^

That's for me to know

-Taylor^o^

So how fat have you gotten since I last

saw you?

-Taylor^o^

I'm working on it!

-Scarlett^ω^

Why don't you just kill yourself and

make the world a better place?

Taylor^o^

I could feel the tears brimming the waterlines of my eyes.

My phone buzzed again and I looked down to see a picture she had sent.

It was a picture of bloody blades. My phone buzzed again and there was a picture of a noose. The buzzes just kept going.

By the end I had blades, a noose, someone standing on the edge of a bridge with weights tied to their ankles, a gun, a handful of pills, and someone standing on here edge of a building.

Why didn't I just commit suicide?  It couldn't be that hard. I turn on my bed so I'm facing the wall. There's a note on it. "Never let them take the light behind your eyes."

I needed to atleast say good bye to Gerard.

But I'm almost certain how I'll die. It will be suicide.

It's an interesting thing, knowing exactly how you'll die. Most people don't. Average people don't. But I'm not average and I'm not "most people" I'm me. And I'm different for sure.

Knowing how I'll die gives me a sense of control. It's almost addicting in a way. My own personal way of dealing with this. Nobody will miss me. I bet hardly anybody can even stand to look at me. I'm ugly and I'm fat. Gerard will take one look at me when he gets back and will only be able to think "Why did I ever like her in the first place?" I just know it.

My thoughts were interrupted by a knock on my door.

"Go away!" I shouted. My voice sounded alien to me.

"Scarlett, it's just Frank and Ray, open up." that was Frank.

I groan and get up to open the door.

Frank and Ray look shocked when they see me. Their mouths are agape and staring.

"Scarlett......" Ray says.

I break down right then and just start crying. I collapse on the floor and feel the tears flooding from my eyes.

I start gasping for air. I needed to cry. I hadn't cried in a long time.

Frank bent over and put a hand on my shoulder. I flinched away and dragged myself away from him.

"Don't touch me!" I yell with tears streaming down my faded face.

"What's wrong?" Frank asks with severe concern.

I won't tell him. He can't make me. I'll never tell a soul.

I just sob. Ray looks at me almost on the verge of tears himself.

I can't just tell them that I just had a major breakdown with nothing to blame.

I point my fat fingers towards my phone.

Frank goes and picks it up with shaking hands. It's unlocked so he goes right in. It's already opened to the text with Taylor.

"I'll fucking kill her." he mutters.

"I'LL FUCKING KILL HER!" he screams.

"We need revenge." Ray says.

Frank is clenching and unclenching his hands angrily.

Frank looks up at me. "And Scarlett, is that why you're as thin as fuck?"

"Don't lie to me, Frank. We all know I'm fat and let's not pretend otherwise."

Frank and Ray look shocked. "Scarlett, you're so skinny! How can you not see that?" Ray says.

Lies. Friends are supposes to be comforting on these subjects. They're supposed to be positive and try to tell you you're beautiful. But I'm not. I'm fat and ugly.

"How much do you weigh?" Frank asks concerned.

"I'm down to 102. I still need to lose 12 pounds." I say burying my face in my hands.

Frank puts his head in his hands. "Gerard asked us to make sure you were OK. You're obviously not! You don't look healthy. I can see your collar bones and you've lost all the color from your face and all signs that you're alive." Frank looks upset.

"Don't you understand? Don't you understand what I'm going through? It's more than my self image! It's more than my self harm and it's more than before being bullied or being suicidal!  I'm going through Hell here! It's internal and it's all my fault! I hate it! I hate this world and I hate my life! And the worst part is that I can't tell you!" I shouted. I had started crying again and I wasn't sure if it was out of anger or sadness.

Ray had a few steady tears going down his face and Frank looked absolutely shocked.

"Well first things first, you're going to get out of that bed and eat something." Frank said after a few minutes of silence.