Saved by the Way (SLOW REVISIONS)

Chapter 31

A numbness washed over me like a downward midnight flood of rain. It was black and cold-hearted like the monsters who lived within the parameters of my soul.

Everyone had left me. I was alone. It's not a good thing to be alone. It's like living in the darkness and never seeing light. It's like a tunnel that doesn't end and isn't lit with the familiar torches.

Gerard had left me here, as I asked,  to mourn. I just wanted to be alone, even though that's not a positive attribute.

It's dark here. In my own little cave of my head. A darkness that no candle could light. If you were to strike a match, it wouldn't light. A purposeless match with no hope. No hope at all.

It hurts here. Depression has put me in a pool of blood too deep for me to reach the bottom. Depression has taken my head and forced me under the crimson surface while laughing an insane laughter at the torture I'm going through.

Depression is nothing but a bully. My bully. It has killed me from the inside out.

So I sit here in the rain with ominous clouds looming over my future. With no wish or will to move on. My hope was but a candle in a dark prison, but even that has been stolen from me in am attempt to tear me to nothing but shreds of a once happy person.

Yes, I was happy at one point. Before my innocence was robbed from my soul and before my sanity decided to abandon me. I was happy. I didn't need to fake smiles. I didn't need to pretend that everything was going to be OK. But nothing is going to be OK. I'm a piece of the Berlin Wall. Set separating the happiness and the misery. But in the end, there isn't really a wall separating the miserable and the happy, the misery has leaked into the joy and painted it a black shade of fear and depression.

So I sat in the cold. Without any heat to warm me. And I looked at the coffin before me with a a rush of emotion pumping through my veins. No blood. Just emotion.

The Black shine of it was decorated in a pattern of raindrops now. It matched the pattern on my face but it was impossible to decipher which of the droplets were tears and which were raindrops from a broken sky.

Some call this beautiful. Some call it romantic. I just call it horrible. No mother should be stolen from the Earth before her duty has been fulfilled. That's why I pulled through for Eternity.

But I'm not going to be able to have my baby anymore. My home is going to be sold because there's no way I can pay for that. But my baby is going to remained forever buried under the protective branches of the oak tree. She'll sleep there peacefully until time stops and the world falls to pieces. But for now, she sleeps.

Alone with the dead. The dead are my friends.  They too live alone in the darkness. They live without hope and without dreams.

My hair was soaked to a matted black mop at this point. It dripped over my forehead and my forever pale face and lips and then fell from the point on my chin. My dress was a wet blob from the weather abuse. It was cold. It was wet. And I was freezing.

If I leave now, mom will be six feet under next time I visit. I'll never be this close again.

I wanted her to jump out of the coffin then and tell me that it was all just a joke. That everything's alright. But it's really hard to fake gunshot holes through your brain.

Can everyone just pretend I never existed and forget about me? I'm not worth the effort that the world has given to me. Just a tragic waste.

A tragic story of a girl that was killed from the inside out. As every trial picked at her protective layers like a raven looking for a weak point. My weak point had been found through the holes in my heart and had pecked them until there was nothing left but a gaping hole in my chest.

I could hear the cars rushing past the cemetery in the distance. All in such a hurry. There was no reason for them to stop and enjoy all the little things. All the things that make life precious were right in front of them the whole time. But does anyone notice? But does anyone care.

I bet they didn't take the time to appreciate their house this morning. They probably didn't appreciate the fact that they're living in the United States. The land of the free. They probably didn't appreciate the fact that they had made it another day.

But no. All that they care about is how much money they're going to take home. How big of a house can they get. How expensive their clothes can be without making them bankrupt. Nobody cares about the hearts you can warm in between the palms of your hand if you try.

Apparently gratitude and kindness isn't the important thing.

I looked away from my reflection in the coffin at last. Thank you to whoever made this fabulous coffin. In looked to where Gerard's car was parked when we arrived. It still stood there with the headlights glowing like fireflies in the rain.

It's time to carry on.

I let out a sigh then placed a gentle kiss on my hand. I rested that hand on the black of the coffin. Bye Mom.

I made my way towards the cemetery gates. The grass was always so vibrant on an overcast day. It was an absolutely stunning sight. I was careful not to step on the areas of the ground where the lost ones were buried until I got to the little road that went around the inside of the cemetery.

I walked along the iron fence and let out a shiver. It must've been under forty degrees because I was freezing and wet.

I finally came to the gate and Gerard's glowing lights where near me. As I got closer though, I noticed the car was empty.

But the lights are on. I yanked open the door and pulled the key out of the ignition.

A wave of panic came over me. "Gerard!" I called sick with worry.

I looked across the cemetery and my eyes were caught at the mausoleum. Long, black hair, pale face, yep, that's Gerard.

I quickly made my way back through the city of broken hearts being careful not to step on the citizens.

I soon broke out into a run. Gerard was sitting by the locked doors with a few beer bottles in his hands.

He looked so pale in the clouded lighting. I bent over and his eyes didn't fixate upon me. They stared emptily into the distance ahead of him.

"Gerard" I cried out collapsing on his shoulder that was wet with the pouring rain. 

I took the bottles from his hands and didn't let him drink from them anymore.

"Gerard, we'll be OK." I almost cried into his ear.

That seemed to pull him from his trance and he suddenly snaked his arms around me.

Gerard is all that I've got.