Saved by the Way (SLOW REVISIONS)

Chapter 24

It was time to decide how.

I grabbed my piece of paper and began to scribble out the plan.

I listed all the methods I knew

-Hanging
-Stabbing
-Drugs
-Cutting and Drugs
-Jumping
-Shooting
-Driving off a cliff
-Drinking/Cutting/Drugs

I looked at my options. I didn't want to leave a haunting image. I wanted to look like I was just sleeping. I decided drowning would be a very romantic way to die.

But where? I couldn't drown myself in the bathtub. The public pools were closed. There were numerous canals and creeks througout the city. I could die in one of those.

My favorite canal was in a public park. Nobody ever went out there though. Parks were for kids to play in. But New Jersey wasn't a place where kids could go outside and play.

I had taken many walks there myself and it had large, beautiful trees curling over the canal. There was a gorgeous bridge with an edge low enough for me to climb up on and jump from.

The best part, the water was deep and murky.

I could slip in easily and I'd never be found. I could just be under the water forever sleeping peacefully.

What a romantic way to die.

I decided I couldn't just kill myself without leaving warning. I started on my letters.

Gerard,
I'm sorry I wasn't good enough for you. In our last face to face conversation, you cut me off before I could explain. I'd like to explain that now. Remember when I left your house just before you left for Florida? I said I'd walk home. I did, but I was stopped by an intruder on the way home. Long story short, I was raped. That's how I got pregnant. My baby, Eternity,  ended in a miscarriage last week. I can't take any of this anymore. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough. I still love you with all my heart.

Love,
Scarlett

I noticed that the page was wet with tears. Gerard. The only person I ever truly loved. My true love.

Next on the list was Mikey.

Mikey,
Listen, I don't want you to blame yourself for what happened. It's not your fault at all. It's not about what happened between us. It has nothing to do with you, really. If anything, you kept me going longer. I'm sorry I won't be there for you like you've been there for me. You're my best friend. I love you.

Love,
Scarlett

I decided I needed something for Taylor. She deserved a letter.

Taylor,
You said I deserved to be raped. Guess what happened? I was raped (twice), I became pregnant from that sexual abuse, the baby was miscarried, and now I'm killing myself. Are you happy now?

Scarlett

The final person I needed to write to was my mother.

Mother,
I know you never wanted a kid. I know. So now I'm taking myself away.
I hope you're happier without me. I know you will be. I'm sorry I was born. I'm sorry I'm your biggest mistake. You were supposed to love me. But you never did. You hate me. I just wanted to make you smile. I tried my hardest to make you love me, but you never did.

Scarlett

As I signed my name for the last time, I felt free. I felt a burden lifted and my soul could leave if it wanted.

And my soul wanted nothing more than to leave.

I pulled on my red converse and left the notes on my pillow.

I closed the door of my room. For the last time.

I decided I had time. I picked up Ariel and strummed out a few notes.

I then fingered through Demolition Lovers.

It reminded me of Gerard. I still loved him dearly. He'd be the one I thought of when I died.

Tears fell from my eyes onto Ariel and I could feel my heart breaking. Shattering like a forgotten mirror for the thousandth time. Glued together only throwing itself away because there's no hope.

I'm going to die and that's OK.

I put Ariel down and climbed up the stairs. I climbed up them slowly. This was my goodbye.

I reached the top of the stairs and opened the coat closet next to the door.

In the bottom there were some weights and some rope. I grabbed the rope and the heaviest of the arrangement of ankle weights.

I closed the closet and said my silent goodbye to the home. Then opened the door to make my walk to the park.