Speculations of an Artistic Mind: Jane's Thoughts

January 2, 2015 ~ Greeting 2015

Tears were drying to the sore skin around my eyes as I watched vacantly the yellowing screen before my eyes. I didn’t really care about how big of a New Year’s bash Pitbull could host or how many girls he could acquire to strut around at his side, but without the overenthusiastic screams of the crowds at the televised event, the night would have felt too, heavy, and my aloneness would have felt too lonely.

As the hands on the clock inched toward midnight, my mind switched back and forth between racing to find a way to bring significance to the moment that was about to come, and simply becoming a black hole of nothingness. The emptiness of my apartment seemed to leave a draft, as though someone had forgotten to close the front door. The only difference was that this chilly breeze left a kind of coldness on me that could not be cured with a soft blanket and a warm fire.

All at once, every clock in the time zone struck away the last few seconds of the year, history being made before our very eyes. In one instant, an entire section of the globe was launched into the new year to join the rest who had already made that symbolic step. I could practically picture the regions greeting each other as they stepped, one by one, across the threshold and into a shiny new year, untouched by anyone or anything, and with so much possibility to offer.

The light pop and fizz of a bottle unintentionally reserved for the occasion seemed to echo loud, bouncing through the open spaces of the rooms. I wanted to laugh a little for some reason as I poured the golden liquid of sparkling cider into my wineglass. I had hoped that I would experience my first lonely New Year’s Eve at a slightly more mature age, if for nothing else beside the fact that being a few years older could get me something a little stronger than a lousy sparkling cider.

With no one to impress with a smile, I proceeded to raise my glass to no one in particular and take a sip.

Nope. Still, no matter how you try to spin it, cider is just not the same.

The cheering and excessive celebration that resonated off the screen was nothing more than background noise to the sound of my weighted sigh. But even that couldn’t fill the vacancy of the atmosphere that I was rotting in. The sheer desperation of the scene was almost enough to again fuel the fire in my toxic eyes, but I smothered the alleged sobs with hasty gulps of my regrettably virgin drink.

Welcome to 2015, Jane. This is your life.

Nothing. I had to fight to feel nothing. And even fighting, I was not convinced that I was being completely successful.

Luckily the fighting didn’t last long before Fatigue won out as the crowned victor. Once I’d come to terms with the fact that I was participating in the most lame of New Year’s Eve festivities by going to bed at 1am, I was finally able to put the pathetic evening out of its misery, while I was left to wallow in mine.

Maybe this night was one that I did not want to have. Maybe it is one that I thought I’d rather forget. And despite the fact that I would not do it again if I had a chance to live that night a second time with a different outcome, what I learned and gained from this experience cannot go unnoticed. The conspiring elements that trapped me in that dreadful situation on one of my favorite days of celebration were blessing me in a cruel sort of way. The things that came to my mind because of that night helped me remember what I really want in life; I was reminded of what is most important to me, and what isn’t as much.

I concluded a tumultuous year in tears, but those tears have now supplied me with the water needed to help my little seedling dreams grow into a magnificent forest of blossoms that will stand strong through every season. With the new knowledge I have stumbled on about myself, and with the new conclusions that I have been able to draw, I feel that I have obtained a less constrained mobility to go where I want to go and be who I want to be. Now this is one more obstacle cleared safely in my quest for happiness.

I have been unintentionally freed from a prison that I was only slightly aware of.

So, 2015, I am ready for you. I have my resolutions in one hand and my ambition in the other. You might have Reality and the Jaws of Life on your side, but I am confident that I have the power and potential to emerge triumphant.

It all comes down to believing that one already is who they’ve always wanted to be. Stop looking outside; it is the inside that has what you really want.

Who are you?

You are anything you want.

Who am I?

I am Jane.

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Just check it out. If you are an artist, you will feel right at home.

Where to find me if you want a friend there: LaVieDeBoheme