Malediction: the love and life of Astoria Malfoy

Chapter Seventeen

Hogwarts was a lonely place again. When I first saw Draco the next day, I smiled, a sign of peace, a sign of apology, and he made to walk over, determined, like we was to set this right, but I'd managed to escape, blending in with the crowd, out of the common room and to the Great Hall for breakfast. But I skipped it that day. I just didn't feel like dealing with it all. I especially didn't want to be seated near Draco; I didn't want him to be close enough to see how puffy and red my eyes were. I'd spent the night crying, and, well, I just didn't want him to know.

At dinner, he was sitting closer to his old spot, (where he used to sit before we sat together) but far enough away from Pansy and Blaise so that he was alone. When I'd walked past, I smiled again. A small smile.. His expression was vacant, bar his eyes, wide and uncertain. He shook off whatever he was thinking, whatever he was feeling.

I didn't sit in my usual spot either. Instead, I headed farther down the table, and wound up near four third years, chatting excitedly about their next Hogsmeade trip. 

"Have you tried the Pepper Imps at Honeydukes?" I'd asked. They looked at me, startled, previously unaware of my presence.

"Yeah," a red haired girl said slowly, and they all returned to their conversation, continuing to ignore my presence. Wow. Rejected by thirteen year olds. What a proud moment.

I returned to my vacant dormitory, the only sixth year Slytherin girl left, and sunk into bed, skipping dessert.

The only solace I found was in Holly. I told her Draco and I broke up, sparring all the details, not wanting to violate his privacy. If there was anyone who could lift spirits, it was Holly.

She immediately wrote a list of all the other boys that would be, "Lucky to even be noticed" by me (her words, not mine). I took the list, thankful for her support, but knowing full well I would never give it a second glance.

Pansy on the other hand was thrilled. Even though Draco was exceptionally short with her, now more than ever, she didn't seem to care. Just the idea of us not being together put a chipper in her walk and a glimmer in her eye.

So that's how my year progressed. Only really talking to one person, who was in a different house than I, and dodging Pansy's exuberant and wicked amusement. May turned to June, and I spent all of my time in the library, studying for the end of the year exams. It was dull and mundane, but it kept me occupied.

I aced them all, yay, I suppose. But with the exams ending, it meant the school year was coming to a close. I wasn't upset about that per say, but I would miss Holly, and having something to do everyday, a routine; classes, homework, dinner.

However, I believe the real reason the end of the school year was weighing on my mind was because it may be the last time I saw Draco.

He was graduating, and I was coming back again next year. Then, what?

I'd realized I had no plan for the future. Daph and I just assumed I'd move in with her, get to be close with her kids, be a part of her life. Now I was alone. I never planned on living my own life. Perhaps that sounds awful, never planning to really experience the world myself -- but it was what I always thought, what I always knew.

I would get a job, I supposed. Maybe work at Florean and Fortescue, or Honeydukes or somewhere like that, maybe Madam Malkins. Something to do, something to be. It was a sad thought. Already waiting for death, just biding my time until it happened. A grim and ghastly way to live. I wanted to push it out of my mind, think a different way, an optimistic, hopeful way. But how could I, when they weren't just tragic thoughts, but my inevitable future?

The last feast of the year; it was glorious, and delicious, and everything in between. I sat with my four third year non-friends, who still disregarded my existence.

McGonagall stood up, and said, quite frankly, a lovely and moving speech about the year we'd had. She then read off the names of students who should have been graduating this year, but the opportunity was taken from them, as were their lives in the battle. She teared up as she spoke, looking up into the vast sky of the Great Hall, up at all the stars. That's where they were now.

It was time for the seventh years to leave the castle in the boats they'd arrived in during their first year. We all stood, the rest of us heading to the carriages.

Draco caught my glance when we got outside. I smiled, it was all I could think to do. He smiled back. A pause. I wanted to say something, anything, but we were both swept into two different crowds, going two separate directions.

There was something about it all; the light from the sun in the pinkish sky, the stoic look on everyone's face, the soft sloshing of the lake on the shore -- it all felt different. It felt like an end.

I was taken by surprise when I felt tears lining my eyes. I loved him. No matter how much time may pass, I loved him, and always would. A pushing sensation rose in my throat, causing the tear to stripe my cheek. He was gone. He had graduated. And I was alone.