Malediction: the love and life of Astoria Malfoy

Chapter Eighteen

I found a vacant compartment while I tried to compose myself. Don't be ridiculous, Astoria. You broke up with him. It was the right thing to do. And who knows, maybe one day you will see him again. Afterall, no one said you couldn't be friends. There was a knock on the door that pulled me from my thoughts. I looked up from the sleeve I was rubbing my eyes with and saw the bright face of Holly.

Her smile faded when she saw my expression, and she pushed the door open. "What's wrong?" she asked. Her brother, Caleb, also walked in. She turned to him sharply. "Caleb! Give us a minute!"

He backed away, embarrassed. "No, no" -- I was motioning him back in the compartment, -- "it's okay. I'm fine."

She looked at me disbelievingly, trying to pry more answers out. I sighed. "Just Draco nonsense," I said, with a reassuring delicacy.

Her expression hardened. "He didn't do anything stupid, did he?" she said, rolling up her sleeves and gripping her wand as if she was about to teach him a lesson. 

I put a hand on her wand, and said, "No! No, I'm just being dramatic, really, nothing even happened." I laughed at her sudden toughness.

"Okay, okay," she said, pushing her sleeves back down and her wand into her robes. "But tell me if anything does happen." She puffed her chest out like a war hero.

I laughed again and said, "I'll definitely call you first."

"Do you mind if we sit in here?" Caleb said suddenly.

I nodded. "No, of course."

Holly mouthed I'm sorry, glancing over to her brother, who was busting open a box of Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans.

Don't worry, I mouthed back. I was happy to have people in here with me, happy not to be alone.

We rode back to King's Cross Station, the Andersons taking my mind off things for a little while. Disappointment tugged at me when the train came to a stop, sad our trip was over.

"Here!" Holly said, ripping a corner piece of paper from her Charms book. She scribbled something furiously on it and pressed into my palm. "Write to me this summer, kay?"

I nodded, glancing at the paper. "Okay." I said it with a stupid giddiness, exited to have someone to write to.

"Bye Astoria," she said with a wave, Caleb waving as well.

"Bye," I said, lifting my hand but not fully waving it, for they had already met up with their parents.

I made my way through the crowd and found my parents, scanning the crowds of people for me.

My mother hugged me tightly when she saw me, my father awkwardly patting my back. She pulled away and looked me up and down, as if examining me for any changes that might have occured in the month since I last saw her. "So, how was it? The rest of the year?" She said it with desperate sympathy, hoping it wasn't bad, hoping I was fine.

"It was. . . nice," I lied. It was excruciatingly boring and lonely, but they needn't know that. No sense in worrying them over something that had already happened.

She sighed, and both of their faces relaxed with relief. I supposed they were more worried than I had realized. Huh. Was I really that hopeless?

Once I was home, I set the small paper with Holly's address on my desk and smiled at it. I looked around the room, white light filtering through the windows and light curtains, and plopped backwards on my bed with a sigh. I was bored already.

I looked over to my right side, the thin chain draped over my neck and laid out on the sheets, the familiar glint catching my eye. I didn't know why I was still wearing it. It was only a reminder of my two favorite people no longer in my life.

It was a reminder of my two favorite people no longer in my life.

Perhaps taking it off it meant I was supposed to move on. Taking the first steps. But I didn't want to take any steps. I wanted to stay where I was, maybe move backwards a few paces. Why would I want to move on if no one awaited me on the other side? No, here I would stay. Maybe it would be sad, and lonely, but at least it was where I knew.

I tapped my fingers lazily on the bed. Lifting my head, I made sure the door was closed and no footsteps were approaching. Plopping my head back down on the soft covers, I looked up at the ceiling.

I exhaled through my mouth. "Hey Daphne. . . I know it's been a long time since I talked to you like this. I don't know if you can hear me, or, or if you're even there or if I'm just crazy but. . . ." I took a deep breath. "I dunno. I guess I just wanted to say hello, in case you can hear me." I put my hand on my forehead. This was stupid. I'd stopped pretending she could hear me last summer.

I used to do this all the time, convincing myself she was still with me, talking to myself and hoping she could hear from up there. It was no use. No use making myself even more mental than usual. But still, I couldn't just walk away, so I said, "Anyways, um, I miss you, and love you."

I got up and stretched my arms out to the side, letting them fall back down to my sides with a thump. I opened my bedroom door to go downstairs and find some sweets, and was met with my mother's teary doe-eyes.

Her thin lips were pursed like she was holding in a cry. A pause. I stood there unsure. I didn't say anything, embarrassed that she'd heard, and headed down the stairs without a second glance.

That night I sat up in my bed, about to go to sleep, when the necklace slid down my collarbone when I laid down, the cool metal slinking down the side of my neck, sending goosebumps down my spine at its cold touch. I stared at its small glints catching in the corner of my eyes. 

I didn't trouble myself with thoughts, no, I kept my mind blank, and undid the clasp, dropping it into the nightstand drawer.

I turned out the lamp quickly, and forced myself to sleep, refusing to turn and face the drawer, refusing to let my mind wander, to think about it. Just go to sleep.