Love Deprived

Chapter 17

Bluebell's P.O.V

I wish that I could say that everything is okay, but it's not, I am just waiting for the disaster to strike as it happens around me. Wysteria and I have been near two car crashes within the past week, and I almost got hit by a few on the way home after that. And they were almost all black, everyone pretty much knows what that color means.

One car backed out from the driveway across the street, one pulled out nearly two feet in front of me, and later when I was crossing the street I saw a black SUV pull out up the road from me and thought I was fine but then looked behind me to see another car awaiting me.
The sky was a deep purple, the clouds endless and rolling over each other in the direction I headed home to, the breeze the only thing aiding me in keeping my calm. Only little cracks and openings of blue shined through, the sun a gold yellow in the west, looking as I had seen it in one of my dreams before. In this dream the darkness soon crept in after me.
The silence was death-striking.

I awake from my dreams every night with wide eyes, sweat soaking my open pores, yet shivering from the internal cold as I lay uncomfortable in my bed.
When I breathe in and out I hear my bones cracking, I am seeing more shadowy and white figures - that I can assure you are no figment of my imagination - as I walk around the space of my house alone or accompanied.

All of the wrong people look me over and bare their dark, searching eyes into my soul as I pass by them. Sneaking in moves I try to ignore, when I know the exact meaning.
Children run around in circles, and shriek, wearing their newly bought heavy coats accompanied with hats and gloves for the new coming winter.
And Griffin barely gives me a mental word or glance every hell-bearing week.
I walked into my Art room today to find the knives we use to cut our designs sitting in my seat.
I am trying to open up to the people around me, but they do their best to neglect my presence from a close distance, yet watch me closely from their assigned spot.
I am descending into the lonely madness around me, brought on my fire lighting the growing darkness around me.

Events, one after the other, consuming me as I take the free fall into the hole that was dug for my spirit that only wanted to be able to spread her wings.

My loved ones are dying, it seems as if no one is trying, the rain outside pours from my empty growing sadness as I await my turn.

Things seem to move slowly and I do not know what to do. I have told my self to let go of control, but if I let go of one part, I know eventually everything will go.

Just as when I was hurting immensely when I was younger and I decided to try to let go of my despair, soon leading the idiotic thought of mine that it would be better to go numb than feel the pain.
I am still trying to gain back my emotions. Because running on only adrenaline, blind determination, and lost hopes of love, and a blurred future, is hard for even someone uncannily not mortal.

I just need something to look forward to everyday I wake up, not dread. And I mean an event, or thing. I have some people that I care about that care about me; Wysteria, Griffin, Kendrick, but other than that I have nothing.

Only the horrible events that stick to my skin and clutch my thoughts every day, - causing my eyes to seem as if they are seeping further into my skull, hiding my madness of sadness behind my pale skin and bright blonde hair. I don't try to smile as much as I used to anymore, only at strangers do I really force as smile, - fill me with the emotional wreckage and explosion waiting to happen when the moment comes. I gain passion within my thoughts and words now as things catch my attention or upset me, all I needed at the moment was someone to let me talk and listen, as I have done and do for others most of my life.

I have so many things to say, but they stay as kept thoughts when I discover once again that no one will listen truly without thinking of me as a freak or wanting to send me back to therapy.