Love Deprived

Chapter 15

Bluebell's P.O.V.
I am having one of those days, where you are always cold, uncomfortable, unbelievably tired, crave sunlight but feel dark, and your limbs can barely move. Oh, and don't forget that that is the day you have stuff to do and feel sick to your stomach.
I was going to go to this annual sale with my Mom, but stayed home and watched Harry Potter, story of my life. Also, I was going to go to my sister's cross country meet and band performance, but no, I want to stay home and read instead. And I have to shower soon, ugh. In case you didn't know, my hair takes at least 24 frickin hours to fully dry, talk about more cold and comfortableness.
It's just one of those day's where I can't do anything right. You know? Like if I go out in public I will massively mess everything up, so it is best that I stay home, in my pajamas all day. Well actually, after I shower I am going to change from my pajamas I wore last night into new pajamas, if you count that as a new outfit or just laziness. Whatever.
Something good that actually happened to me today though was that I woke up next to Griffin. Not technically, but telepathically and we talked for a bit. And right before he had to leave, he asked me to check his hair. It's actually really funny because he does this every morning, and to me it always looks handsome, so, yepp.
Then there's me, I haven't brushed my hair in over a day, and don't care! Hehe, Griffin just cares about how he looks to me I guess, even though like I said, he always looks amazing and handsome inside and out te me! I only don't ask how I look to him when I wake up, because every morning he tells be I'm beautiful (blushing for eternity).
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A few weeks later
I'm tired of it. I'm tired of feeling the vibration of their every step through these thin floor boards, I'm tired of hearing their shouts and echoing of voices. I'm tired of being desperate to live in the moment, yet feeling like I am in a living nightmare I have seen before. Tired of striving to feel something, feeling nothing and every thing at the same time, while gaining my feelings back, who knew I would be so fragile. I build my walls up so strong that almost no one can climb them, fight through every moment, because I know that I may not be alive for the next one, my choice or not.
I feel the air rushing past me, even as I stay still, as I take the free fall into descent. In which I was pushed over.
I don't try to get too close to anyone in fear of being betrayed, yet feel neglected when I am ignored the times that I do put myself in plain sight.
My spirits are only truly lifted when Wysteria is near and we can consume into conversation and embrace over our suckish lives.
Griffin makes my heart leap whenever I catch a glance of him, but he lets it fall wen he looks the other way. Once again, ignored and left to fall, convincing others I am okay behind my thick mask that I cannot seem to pry off.
A slap in the face would be nice right now, to hopefully wake me up from this haze that I have been in for years, finally wake up to the cold reality, it would be something.
At this point I would be overjoyed if even Griffin came up and threw a fist in my face and said "I hate you," or better yet, even just smile at me. But, I get nothing, no words, no looks, only forced labor toward his broad emotions that he tries to hide.
The last few days I have been restless awake and trying to sleep, tossing and turning, endless thoughts and dreams of losing the ones I love, them being forced to behave as someone else, and turn their knives toward my chest. And when I do recover them, losing them in terrible various ways. I fall off buildings ,am shot down to death, or watch the ones I love get tortured, yet there is nothing I can do, for in that dream, I am already dead.
And the worst part is, I have visions and senses of the future. They all start with this horrible feeling in my gut, clutching, twisting, feeling as if I am going to vomit any second. The haunting visions, from actually according life, and hints from dreams. The tossing and turning at night. Seeing the fire enclose around me, the smoke rising up and choking my every breath. Having to press down these things, when they stand right before me, I am unable to escape. The disaster exploding around me, as I watch the bombs going off unable to move or take in what is actually happening in the war occurring around me.
And if you pile my 6 assignments of homework each night onto that, Halloween coming soon, where I officially turn 14, the year things will go so right but all wrong, and I could possibly... end. Frenemy drama, bullies endlessly attacking my friends, and our Show choir group, Xavier's stalking getting more creepy each day (Thank God he has been sick the past few days), stalking from Griffin's friends, and practically nothing from Griffin; it's horrible. That's only half, I don't know if I am ready to admit the other things to myself yet, I can't take so many things at once, yet I always have. I push myself too much, yet try to pull myself out of the unavoidable insanity.