Love Deprived

Chapter 19

Bluebell's P.O.V
Things have gotten a little better since January.

I mean, it's March now, and a lot of things have happened since then:

My show choir season of competitions happened. We got first for all of the competitions that had a women's division.

I got a random letter saying that an audition was set up for me and to prepare a commercial and walk a runway. Turns out it was for a cruise that i would be able to meet agents and scouts on that could sign me, like what I did in 8th grade, except this would be on a ship. I saw two girls i knew from my school there, and we all got accepted to go. From the moment that i heard there was a cruise invovled though, I knew I couldn't go, it would cost too much. I was ecstatc for how great I did at my audition though, and we celebrated by my Mom and I going to Mcdonald's afterwards, even though that was a modeling and acting audition, that was so ironic it was funny. Also, at the audition they said that i had great expresson and, I quote, "Woke them up." It was so funny because the people up there looked like they were about to fall asleep and then their heads just popped up when they saw me, haha! Then afterwards, my Mom and I went home and laughed our heads off about the cost. The bright side to all of this is; I did way better than I expected at the audition, and there was someone there who was doing local things, and once I find the time, they said I could send in a form and see if I could do work with them. Yay!

I signed up for Tennis and have been wanting to for a while, so I'm super excited about that.

I auditioned for the school play yesterday, it's about people in a mental home who actually aren't that insane. Still, it's the perfect excuse to act insane. I just treally hope I make it.

Xavier started dating a girl that looks like me and her name sounds like mine. So creepy. I feel bad for her. And Xavier stopped his stalking for about a month, but he's starting back up again; randomy creeping up and listening to my friend's and I's conversations, popping up around corners, starring at me, getting uncomfortably close, smelling me, and complaining about his girlfriend really loudly near me, blah blah blah. There's more, but I'd rather not go into detail, and all of this has been in the past three days of last school week.

On the other hand, Griffin has been acting like a butthole for the past two weeks. He'll see me sad and smile. What the crap. He thinks I'm "so in love with him," at this point you know what I say; Ew. I recognize people by their walks, and whenever he goes by I don't noticethat it's him until he's a few feet away because he doesn't even walk like himself. And sometimes Griffin gels his hair up now, and suddenly he thinks every girl wants him and that he's so hot. It's literally revolting me. I can tell that Griffin's friends, like Criston, even feel bad for me. They keep making weird jokes around me to try to get me to laugh, and smiling at me and being around to make sure I'm okay, without even saying anything directly to me. I love them for doing that. Before, I thought that they were going to be the one's to change him, but now, they're my only hope of bringing Griffin back.

And now, Xavier is acting all nice and smiling at me, and I notice that Griffin and Xavier are spending more time together, at this point that means the worst. Whatever Xavier is doing to Griffin is not good. And also, Xavier thinks that I did something horrible to him so he "wants to get me back" but emotionally, because I "caused him so much pain," when I really did nothing. What he did and has done to me is horrible. And despite all this, even though he is wanting to get me back, Xavier wants to get me back, and that is why he is using Griffin as a weapon against me. And the worst part is;

It's working.

I am completely losing my attraction for Griffin because it's like it's not really him in there. And Xavier is also manipulating the fact that my biggest fear is; The ones I love turning into something they're not, while still looking like themselves, and them being forced that way but I can't do anything about it. I mean, part of this was Griffin's choice, but at the same time, not really. So, I don't know what to think.

At the same time of all this happening, apparrently, a lot of girls are jealous of me. For whatever reason they are, I dont exactly know, but it's weird.

All these different guys are staring at me now too, and they smile and smirk at me, look me over, bite their lip. It's nice when they smile at me, but when they do anything more than friendly I get a little uncomfortable, and I always blush when I get embarassed, so I end up blushing. Why.

My grandpa is also in a really bad state right now. He has arthritis in his neck and it got worst when he went to the doctor's. A week ago he decided to play tennis, it's something that we both love to do, but he ended up cracking his head open, and refused to go to the ER. Along with his recent difficulties in the past he has been hospitalized for coughing up blood, and back issues, etc. Now that he and Grandma have permanetely moved to Florida and he might not live much longer, I keep thinking; What if the last time I saw him will be the last time I ever see him?
Even though I try to ignore this thought, sometimes it comes creeping in, but I know that Grandpa would not want me thinking this, so I force it out.

My other grandparents are deaf and in their 80's, I keep trying to learn sign language so I can talk to them, but I never have time, and I just want to try to spend time with all my grandparents. What's killing me about this is that I'm starting to realize that sometime's there is nothing I can do, and I am the person that always wants and needs to find a way to help people, and I feel chained now that I can't really do anything.

I am stuck.

I feel like the victim in movies that you would watch when you were a kid, where they would forcefully keep the person they took's eyelids open, and make them watch what is going on around them. You can't move, can't outwardly fight, can'tdo anything but sit and watch, internally screaming.

All my childhood fears are coming true, and I don't know how I'm surviving it, but I am.

Lately I've been pinching myself to make sure everything is real, but sometime's it's hard to tell because I have such a high tolerance to pain, literally. I do this because my dreams, half the time, feel too real, that is why I conclude that I am definitely getting more premenitions while I sleep, since everything seems familiar when I'm awake.

Despite what has been occuring in the depths of my life, some things have actually been going wonderful. Even though some of them are on the edge of sin, it's still definitely worth it, and not exactly a sin, yet.

Such as the past two days when I have had my school's last Showchoir performances. The shows have been great and really fun, even though it's going to become a puddle party soon, of tears, for the year being over, and the Senior's leaving. Showchoir is eight months each year for my school, that's a lot of time spent together to then be seperated. And the Senior's have been doing this for years now, and it's sad for all of us; them leaving. Especially a few of them that I look up to, like my choreographer for last year's 8th grade showchoir, he's my idol and someone I look up to very much. Since he's a Senior, after this weekend's shows they go to Florida to perform, and then he is out of highschool Show Choir.

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It was practically a swimming pool on Sunday. I wanted to cry so bad but the tears just got stuck in my eyes and blurred my vision, because I had so much Show choir make up on that it dried up my tears, and my contacts didn't really help. The good thing though is that I got a picture with my idol! And I said that he did amazing and he said "You too," to me, FANGIRLING!!

And there was also something that happened with someone I "met" there, and it was pretty interesting. It had to end in embarrassment though, like always, the universe pulling me away from every other boy and pushing me at Griffin is now normal. And I still get to pay the consequences afterwards, eh, I saw this one coming.

Speaking of which, Griffin has actually returned to himself for today. But, I still am having trust issues with him for right now. The reason he returned is because I kind of gave a him a few wake up calls and slaps to the face. Not literally for the slapping part though, that was Wysteria's job.

(Written in March)