Why We Broke Up || YeonBin

Letter #12

Finding out you actually don't know someone as much as you do is like the feeling of betrayal within itself.

It manifests in ways that makes you question every single thing about them because you thought you knew everything but turns out you didn't.

You didn't know anything about them at all.

It makes you feel like a fool.

And it hurts. By a lot.

Because for instance, you thought they were allowing you to take a complete look of who they are like how you were willing to do the same for them. But then, it turns out they only allowed you to take a glimpse— and it wasn't even a close inspection. You were only able to take a peek from a far distance using a freaking binocular hoping that you would catch sight of their soul.

But you didn't.

Because all this time, they were just putting on a show for everyone to take in— including you. And it was annihilating in ways that leaves you out of breath because you couldn't quite get a grasp of the reality that you were kept blinded from the truth.

And then one day, your eyes were open.

Hoping to close them back and pretend you haven't seen anything but you can't. You can't. Not anymore.

Especially when you had finally seen the real image behind the false illusion presented to you before.

That's what I feel right now, hyung.

I should've seen it coming though, considering the fact that my mom never really did anything to stop them in the first place but I honestly thought that she was just keeping silence because she had no choice— that she was forced and wasn't driven with personal desire and greed but guess I was wrong to think that.

We were close hyung, my mom and I, she was this person I would always run to when I was young every time I feel bad or was simply feeling off. She would offer this one caring smile she always flashed me while stroking my hair in a certain way and that would be enough to put me in peace. When I was a kid, she used to tell me that "Mom will always be here for you, Soobin. Always." and I wholeheartedly believed that; even now, I still feel that a little part of me is wishing that she still meant that but—

Yeonjun-hyung I don't know what changed.

She was one of the greatest things I always felt thankful about. I used to always see her as someone that makes this world a brighter place but maybe I was wrong for that too because her light is turning dimmer and dimmer every day and I'm scared I would have to see it flicker out.

Hyung was it my fault?

Do you think I would've changed her mind if I didn't leave then?

Would things be different today?

But if I didn't, would I have met you?

And fuck, maybe this is what you feel too. And to be frank, I wouldn't blame you. You have all the rights to feel this way. As if I lied to you because I actually did keep a lot of things hidden from you.

But Yeon-ah, please believe me when I say that all the things I showed you of me, all of those were real.

I've always been real to you.

How could I not? When I only ever felt like myself when I'm with you.

That's probably why I'm feeling so damn lost right now, because you have all pieces of me with you.

And I'll only ever find my way back to myself when I'm finally back with you.

But for now, we can't.

I can't, hyung. I'm sorry.