Hyacinth Petals

nine

Hoseok lowered his head and fidgeted in nervousness.

As he fiddled with his fingers, he could feel his chest growing heavy as a gloomy and despondent atmosphere settles on top of him. He sniffled, trying his best to hold back his tears even when he knew that he shouldn't keep it in. That he shouldn't suppress his emotions.

After confessing to Jimin that he had been diagnosed with Hanahaki and divulging that Yoongi had cheated on him with someone else, the throbbing in Hoseok's chest had only worsened and the remorse had grown heavier at the thought of what he had said.

Replaying those memories inside his head, those awfully painful memories that he wanted to forget, made him feel even more guilty and downhearted than he already was. In retrospect, he couldn't help but feel so disappointed at himself for letting things become like this. It suddenly makes him wonder, what would be Jimin's reaction after his confession? Would he be angry? Would he be disappointed? Or would he be masking his frustration towards him with an assuring smile like what he would usually do?

Then again, what was the point of wondering if he couldn't see his reaction anyway?

With heavy eyebags and glassy eyes, Hoseok sighed.

"Jimin... I—" His breath hitched.

He tried to speak. He tried to get another word out and to continue his story, but with the sudden overflow of emotions that filled him with instant guilt and regret, a wave of emotions that came at him like a rushing tide, he was hindered from speaking another word.

He swallowed his saliva, hoping to hold back the rest of the tears that were coming at him, but as a sob had managed to slip past his pursed lips, he could feel himself crumbling and falling apart, almost at the brink of a breakdown.

Hold it together Hoseok. Please hold it together.

He can't cry in front of Jimin.

Not now, at least.

Hoseok tried to think of happy thoughts and he tried to think of something that would hopefully lighten up his mood. When he was able, he quickly wiped the tears that unknowingly slipped past his eyelids and inhaled a sharp breath, doing his best to keep his composure together.

He sighed heavily.

"I-I'm sorry Jimin." Hoseok's voice cracks, lowering his head as he balled his hand into a fist. "I-it's just that, it hurts to remember those memories. I-it hurts to recall the bad and the good moments that m-me and Yoongi had shared." He swallowed. "It's painful. It's tormenting. And to think about all of those times that I've spent with him hurts me b-because those memories remind me of how worthless I am. How much of a big failure I have been and how—" He quickly pressed his lips, stopping himself from rambling too much.

Shutting his eyes, he breathes in and out, easing his nerves.

Relax. Just, relax.

Inhaling once more, he lifts his head and looks back at Jimin, pressing up a tight-lipped smile to hopefully shift the mood of the atmosphere. Hoping that this simple action of his would reassure both Jimin and himself. "If you were here right now, you'd probably tell me to stop talking about this. You'd probably do your best to comfort me and to cheer me up as you would always do. But Jimin, I want to talk about this and I need to talk about this." He frowned. "Because you need to know what's been happening in our lives."

Hoseok blew a breath, then proceeded: "After that day, I realized that I needed to talk to Yoongi about it. That we needed to talk about our relationship because we can't keep this up—we can't just keep on playing this stupid game for the rest of our lives. I needed to talk to him and I wanted to fix whatever problem we had. I was determined to bring my Yoongi back to me. I-I wanted to come back home to him. I-I missed him so much."