Fairy Tail: An Aqaurius Quest

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

Everyday something happens to me that I wish I could tell you about. Not going to lie here mom, I could use your help on this one.

I don't know how it happened, it was like falling asleep, slowly at first and then all at once. I fell for Natsu. I can't tell you when or how but I did. I was fine with how things were. Never talking about what we had between us. I thought we had all the time in the world to figure that out. But with everything that happened when finding out he was E.N.D. and battling Zeref and Acnologia, it's become increasingly clearer by the day that Natsu doesn't have all the time in the world.

For the first time, Natsu almost died. I held him as his skin grew colder and colder. So pale it almost didn't look like him. It was the first time our naked bodies were intertwined together and it was not how I expected it. I clung to him mom, doing everything I could to keep him warm as his breathing became so shallow he was barely breathing at all.

The whole time I kept thinking, "I just want one more smile, one more job, one playful jab to my ribs in the morning after my bath. Just one more. I never told him how much I love him. I kept waiting and waiting for him to kiss me and I should have just pulled him against me. Now I'll never feel his warmth again!" 

And then, when we were safe, he disappeared again and I still hadn't told him! I wish you were here so you could tell me how. I need him to know how much I love him I just don't want to ruin our friendship. I never planned for this, I never planned to fall for my hot headed partner. He just kind of crept up on me. Got under my skin ever so slowly. It started when he uprooted the tree and paraded it down my street. When Asca told him to kiss me and there was no hesitation. I've never seen Natsu turn his eyes at anyone before, it's why I can't tell how he feels about me. What would have happened if he kissed me? Would he brush it off as nothing or would we be something more? I can't take that risk without knowing because if he kissed me I would be all in. My love grew deeper for him when I threw myself off the building and he caught me, because he always does. Every single time I've fallen, Natsu picked me back up and put me back together. He did that in the games, and on Tenrou Island. He's the only one I can count on. He's all I have left.

After the battle with the Spriggan Twelve, he almost let it slip. He started to tell me he loved me but cut himself off opting to tell me that we would always be together.

I would give anything to know how he feels.

Did he opt out of saying it because he felt I already knew? Did he tell me we were always going to be together because it was his way of solidifying what's between us? If so, why hasn't he kissed me? Is he waiting for me to make a move since the day Asca told him too and I blocked it with Happy? Is he not saying it because he doesn't want to push me? Is he scared of ruining our friendship too?

That would make sense. But then again, haven't I made it clear where I stand? After he fought Gray because he thought I died, I came behind him and hugged him and told him I was so worried about him. He's the only person who's seen me consistently naked, surely he knows?

I don't know what our first kiss should be like, but I would hope that it's not at the behest of a toddler. I'm not wrong for wanting a little bit more passion on Natsu's behalf. Also, I might have made a move but then Lisanna happened. She's so perfect and kind. They already have history and I wouldn't want to mess up and have the wrong idea and the whole time he's still got eyes for Lisanna. I also don't want to hurt her feelings either.

It feels like I'm living a half life in a half lie. Mom I love him. In all his hot headed, binge eating, motion sickness mess that he is. He makes me a better person. I don't know how much longer I can go without getting my feelings out on the open.

He climbs in my window and slides in my bed and I wake up in his arms most mornings. It has to mean something more right?

I keep going back and forth. He's definitely attracted to girls. This much I know. Because whether or not he admits it, he had a crush on Lisanna when they were younger. He's openly admitted to his feelings for her. And when one of the Spriggan Twelve ripped my clothes off, Natsu definitely told him that seeing me naked wasn't his definition of torture. But just because it wasn't torture doesn't mean he didn't like it?

No. Well, maybe he does? Sometimes he seems unfazed by my nudity, but other times he. Well, he has grabbed my girls...

If there was no attraction I don't see why he would grab them?

Ugh, it's rude. Really. He can't even tell me he loves me, but touching my naked lady bits is fair game? And he wonders why he gets kicked in the face for that. Geez.

I feel like I'm psychoanalyzing this too deeply mom. There's no way to predict the future. I just need to get out there and go for it. Make a direct move and see what happens. Not knowing is so much worse than anything bad that could happen between us, and if he decides he can't be my friend anymore if he knows how I feel, then he's just not who I thought he was.

Missing you always mom

Yours truly,

Lucy