JJ Maybank Imagines

[a] Playing Games

Imagine type: angst

Recommend song: tear myself apart by: Tate McRae

Warning: cursing

———

Cool air surrounded your body completely and you struggled against cold fingers as you tried to pull your sweater around you tighter. 

You bit the inside of your cheek as you waited for JJ to arrive, wondering if asking him here had been the right decision. 

"Hey," you heard a soft voice call and you turned your head to the right to see JJ. A smile broke out on your face at the sight of him and he shoved his hands in his pockets nervously. "Why did you want to talk with me."

Exhaling, you realize he doesn't want to spend a moment longer here than he has to, and that scares you slightly. 

Tucking your hands into the sleeves of your shirt, you begin to speak, surprising even yourself at the lack of shakiness in your voice. 

"I know this is a bit of a delicate topic," you try to start slowly, as if he was an animal you could scare away all too easily. "I don't want you to feel like you owe me anything." 

"I know that," he replies before you can continue. 

"Good," you nod hastily. "Yeah, that's . . . good. My point is, I mean, I'm just confused about what the deal is between us." 

Were the two of you a couple? Definitely not, but that was exactly the problem. You loved your relationship with JJ, but there was no commitment, nothing solid, and that thought often kept you awake. 

You'd spent one too many nights laying there and wondering if JJ would ever come around, if he would ever be ready for something concrete, or if you were setting yourself up for heartbreak. 

JJ's feet shift under him. "What are you getting at?" He asks and you're not sure if he's truly confused or if he's just anything but willing to talk about this. 

You look away from him, "I'm just . . . not sure I want to be friends anymore. 

JJ grabs your hands, his own warm and comforting. "Why can't we be friends?" He shakes his head. "I like having you around." His eyes are wide with confusion and you let out a small chuckle. 

"That's not I meant," you assure him. "I want, I want more than that. But I'm not sure if you--" but you stop in your place when JJ's hands let go of yours. He's uncomfortable. You force yourself to keep talking. 

"It's just, we act like a couple, I guess, but we haven't done anything about it." 

It takes JJ longer to come up with a reasonable response than you anticipated, and it isn't even reasonable in the least. 

"I can't be in a relationship with you," he answers bluntly. 

"Oh," is all you can manage to say. There are too many questions floating around and you can't even begin to process a single one. "Are you . . . seeing someone else?" 

You know he isn't seeing anyone. Humiliation begins to set in and suddenly you want to go as far away from this situation as possible, but your feet seem to be rooted firmly into the ground. 

"No," JJ replies, and you don't even register the slight shake in his voice. "I just . . .  don't think I want anything to happen between us." Your head snaps up when he says this. Not from sadness, from frustration and confusion. 

"I don't understand," you mumble and JJ looked up you. "You don't have to be in a relationship with me, I get that and I'm not forcing you to, believe me." 

"Why are you confused?" 

" 'I don't want anything to happen between us?' " You quote JJ. "There--stuff has happened between us. There is stuff between us, I just--what was this to you then?"

You don't even notice the way your voice raises or the way you feel suddenly warm. 

JJ stands upright, "It's not like that," he tries to justify himself, but you speak again before he has the chance to say anything more. 

"We're not just friends. We might not be something, we might not be anything, but even then, we're not just friends, either," you muttered harshly.

"I don't know how to love you, [y/n]. I'm sorry, okay? But I don't know how and I'm not willing to learn how."

You squeezed your eyes shut, infuriated that you had ever let yourself become so attached. How had this happened? 

"Look, I don't want to hurt you, okay?" JJ sighs and you look up at him. He himself looks miserable, but his words seem so counterproductive. "What if I hurt you? I would never forgive myself for that."

"I'm willing to put in the work this relationship needs--I want to," you try one more time, desperate.

"Well, I'm not sure I'm willing to put in the work," he speaks lowly. "I said I'm sorry, okay?"

JJ stood there for a few seconds and you refused to look up, scared he would see the tears begging to be let out. 

"You don't need me anymore," he says. 

"Don't tell me what I fucking need," you seethe. "You don't get to do this to me and act like the bigger person. You're scared, JJ. That's all there is to it." 

For a moment, he looks like he wants to kiss you, just so he can prove you wrong. So he can prove to you that he isn't scared. But he is, so he turns around without another word. 

"JJ?" 

He looks over at you, mid-step. 

"Yeah?" 

"If you really do walk away," you brush off your sleeves, shaking your head. "Don't come back." 

You expect him to say something, anything. Even a "I wasn't planning on it" would suffice, but he doesn't anything. He just walks away, and you know he's not coming back. 

"Why does everyone always leave?" You mumble to yourself, sinking into the sand. "Why can't I just leave . . . ?"

And just like, the intimacy you fought so hard to preserve, was gone. 

———

Listening to sad music and reading angst imagines is so much fun lol is it just me ?

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