Misunderstood // Billie Eilish

𝚏𝚒𝚟𝚎

madelyn

i woke up this morning with a long string of messages from billie, that i had ultimately decided to check later.

they started off innocent and sincere. she left a couple of voice messages, telling me how much she missed me and how i was constantly on her mind, even when we were distant, she was always thinking of me.

her voice was as smooth as melted chocolate, but i could still recognize the usual rasp. her words were slow and spread vastly apart, carefully enunciating each syllable.

she sounded... drunk?

which was unlikely, she was probably just tired.

before i knew it, her vocabulary became extremely explicit to the point where i had to completely mute my phone and put it away.

after all, i was in the middle of a lecture; sitting directly next to jorja.

billie seemed different and out of all people, i should know. when you're with someone almost 24/7, you start to pick out on the little things.

even the switch between their tones of voices.

since the incident, billie matured and stopped being so reckless. she didn't fuck me in classrooms anymore or carry her gun on her as often.

the only thing she did nowadays that was semi-daring, was drive without a destination in the middle of the night, to 'clear her head'. i frequently thought that, that was just an excuse to get away from me, but she always came back.

always.

she used to take me on those late night drives and i remember she'd interlace our fingers out of nowhere and give me those familiar butterflies.

but now, i knew i needed to give her space before her thoughts ate her alive.

again, she told me she loved and cared for me every once it a while, but it was clear she was still a little standoffish.

i don't think the problem is her leg anymore, which is, as strange as it sounds, scary.

i only say this because that means the problem is her mind. her thoughts. that complex brain of hers was almost the death of her.

then again, so was i.

deep inside of her, she's always been depressed and i think she always will. the motion at hand, is to outweigh the bad with good.

to her dismal, there have been more bad days than anyone would've liked.

though, it's less apparent as of now, she's still going through something i will never be able to understand.

which is why i found it strange that she decided to be oddly affectionate all of a sudden.

billie didn't have many coping methods, but maybe she found a new one that involves confessing her feelings to me.

if so, i'm not complaining.

if not, i'm concerned.

"are you okay?" jorja, thankfully, derailed my train of thought.

"i'm fine, just thinking." i stopped fidgeting with my fingernails and set my hands down.

"just thinking? or overthinking?"

i sighed. "a little."

"is it about billie?"

i nodded.

"you do that a lot, you know. i'm no therapist, but that can't be good for either of you. just let her breathe for two seconds, i'm sure she's fine."

i knew she meant well, but she also knew nothing about billie.