Misunderstood // Billie Eilish

𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚎

as expected, billie did not take her new diagnosis well.

whatever progression she had made, had gone down the drain within seconds and i could see her falling back into an episode.

i'm sure the news must've been difficult to digest. it was just an extra set of problems and symptoms to add to her list. she didn't deserve this.

she was a good person at heart, she didn't deserve to suffer.

i found myself wondering "why her?" why couldn't it have been anyone else on planet earth.

the part that pains me the most was that she wasn't fighting someone else. she was fighting herself. she was her worst enemy and was constantly battling her own demons. the question i have yet to figure out is, who would win?

since the last therapy session her mood swings have been a little sporadic.

billie has been easily irritable, to the point where it's hard to enjoy spending time with her. in general, she was angrier and i didn't know how to help her.

did she even want help?

the adjustment disorder diagnosis basically meant that she hadn't fully recovered from the night she got shot and was alarmingly overwhelmed by the event.

billie refuses to accept this diagnosis.

she claims that it was in the past and her leg was almost back to normal so she "didn't care".

i know she's lying and it frustrates me. but i have to remember, denial is the first step to recovery.

i miss the old billie.

i hate myself more than anything for saying that, but it's true.

unlike billie, i think i might be stuck in the past. not completely, but it's definitely evident.

it's crazy how your life can change in an instant and there's nothing you can do about it.

i watched her from a distance as she laid on her stomach on her bed, writing swiftly in her notebook.

hesitantly, i got up and laid next to her. she was quiet, but obviously had a lot on her mind.

i looked down at her notebook and saw she was writing another set of lyrics... to ilomilo; the title i had recommended a while back. she seemed to be deep in thought and it was almost scary to witness.

her eyes traced the page, rereading the last stanza over and over again.

"said i couldn't love someone, cause i might break."

"billie?" i asked gently.

"what." she put her pencil down and ran her hand through her hair, sighing as if she were fed up with me.

her tone was harsher than anticipated and had taken me aback. by the looks of it, it had shocked her too, and a wave of guilty washed over her face.

despite this, she didn't apologize.

"never mind, just forget it." i mumbled, beginning to leave my spot on the bed.

"wait," she softly grabbed my wrist, stopping my movements.

i started down into her sympathetic eyes and crumbled under her gaze, eventually laying back down.

"tell me what's wrong, billie. i want to help you."

billie let out another deep sigh and rolled over on her back.

"i'm just a lot more fucked up than i thought." she murmurs.