Misunderstood // Billie Eilish

𝚎𝚕𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚗

a clash of lightning illuminated the night sky and i involuntarily, cuddled closer to billie, who was in and out of sleep.

as much as i knew i loved her and deep down, she made me feel safe, i found myself questioning whether she felt the same way. did she love me just as hard as she did when we met?

that was a stupid question, of course she did.

you're being insecure madelyn.

billie was clearly slipping out of my grasp and other activities began to take up her time.

at first, i had convinced myself that she needed space to cope with her mental health. sooner than later, i realized it was more than that.

she needed space from me.

how much space? i don't know.

the more billie began to drift away, the more i started to as well. spending an increased amount of time alone came with intrusive thoughts. thoughts that have never crossed my mind during my relationship with her.

we were both changing and we were having a difficult time adapting to it.

she was directly next to me, yet i feel lonely. a crippling feeling overwhelmed my body; a feeling that made me cold to touch.

"i love you." i whispered to her, the phrase was comforting to say and filled me with warmth.

"i know." she responded.

just like that, i was freezing again.

i took a moment to think about what i wanted to ask, before hesitantly parting my lips.

"billie?"

she let out a low effort "hm?" in a sleepy voice.

"do you love me?" it was a simple question, that ironically held a lot of weight.

she paused, obviously a little shocked that i would ask such a thing.

"i love you even when i hate you, madelyn-- and i never hate you." she mumbled, seconds away from falling into a deep slumber.

well, you're shit at showing it.

"then why don't you say it."

billie rolled over on her side to face me, hurt by my statement.

"i do."

"not anymore."

"you know i do. don't you?" she reached out to curl a loose strand of hair behind my ear.

not really.

"yeah."

"good." she kissed my forehead and i swore my heart broke into a million pieces.

i'm not sure why, but i felt like her kiss solidified the beginning of an end.

"i just feel like--"

she interrupted before i could finish, "can we talk about this another time? i'm tired as shit,"

me too, billie. me too.

i nodded, although i was secretly bitter. she let out a final yawn then turned back on her other side.

by the time morning had came and billie had woken up, i was already packing a few of my belongings i usually left at billie's house.

billie sat up on her elbows and watched me take my toothbrush.

"what're you doing?" her eyes were squinted as she tried to adjust to the morning sun.

"i don't think i'm gonna be over here as often."