Banana Fish AshxEiji

~part two~

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I cry for you every night. I stare at the brick walls surrounding me, sobbing. I quietly cry myself to sleep longing for you to be here with me.

I've lost my appetite. Ibe-san scolds me for not eating enough. For losing thirty pounds. I can barely stand for five minutes. I need help. I need you.

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I hear the familiar knock at my door and I sulk out of the bathroom, wearing your sweatshirt again. Slowly I unlock the door and open it to reveal ibe-san wearing a dark green crew neck and black jeans, cuffed, just like how you used to cuff yours. He walks in and I close the door behind him, I hear the grocery bags drop down on my crowded table.

"You took a shower" ibe-san says proudly, I nod moving over to the sink to wash the dishes that build up over the week.

"I took a breathtaking photo of a waterfall north of here, wanna see?" he says excitedly. I nod again not able to find my words. I walk over to him as steadily as I can, not wanting to cause him panic. The photo is of a crystal blue waterfall crashing down surrounded by lush green trees and there's a woman standing under the waterfall, smiling. I feel a smile tug at my lips. It's the first time I've smiled in a long time, too long. I stare at the breathtaking colors and striking red of the womens bathing suit against the cool blue of the water. A tear escapes my eye and rolls down my cheek, I look at Ibe-san and nod hoping he understands so I won't have to talk.

"Thank you" he beams at me and then back at the photo.

Ibe-san talks to me for a while while he unloads the groceries and I do the dishes, we do this every week. I nod along even though the words are going right past me, I think about you and how the last time the world looked that colorful was when I was with you. When we watched the sunset together, life seemed perfect despite the situation we were in, we were untouchable. Us against the world. More tears roll down my cheeks at a faster pace, this time landing in the soapy water.

I finish the dishes while Ibe-san cleans up my small living space consisting of a loveseat and old somewhat broken TV. He walks to the door collecting his keys on the way, "I'll see you next week Eiji" he says with a sad smile on his face I nod and whisper "thank you" so quietly that if Ibe-san was any further from me he wouldn't have been able to hear it. He leaves and I lock the door behind him making sure to put the deadbolt in as well, just like you taught me. I lean against the closed door and slowly fall to my knees, sobs racking my body. I tremble uncontrollably the sudden feeling of loneliness hitting me like a train going off it's rails, my heart hurts for you Ash. I need you to show up at my door, I need you to lull me back to sleep when I have a nightmare just like you used too.

I suddenly stop crying and stand up, too fast, blood rushes to my head and clouds my vision for a few moments. I blindly stumble to where I know my knife block is, blinking rapidly, my kitchen comes back into focus. I grab the biggest knife I have, a Gyutou, and bring it up to my wrist.

I won't fail this time. this time i'll kill for you. to be with you.

I press the steel blade against the scar that sits there already, drawing blood, deep red thick blood. hot tears stream down my face as I quickly pull it away just before I hit the artery. Blood piles in my palm and I drop the knife, it hits the tile floor with a loud clunk. I stare at my hands in horror, falling to my knees begging you to come back. I hold my wrist, the pain not strong enough to distract me. No pain will ever be stronger than what I felt the day the news told me you died. That's when I attempted the first time.

I can't die. You never wanted me to kill for you. I'll wait for you. Forever.

I curl up in a ball on the cold tiles of my kitchen floor, trying to disappear. My sobs start to slow and the pain in my wrist starts to dull, I turn my body over with difficulty. Staring at the blurry ceiling wondering, were we always meant to say goodbye? Was that our fate? Why was it so painful? I'm out of tears, I can't cry anymore. The cold tiles become warm against my body, and my brain slows to a stop.

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I don't know what to do anymore Ash. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I cant talk. I can't think.

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