from august to december

chapter forty five

dear eden,

whenever the time will come, you will read it when it's right.

i know it is going to reach you eventually, because you're going to be the only person that does not know what has been going on.
we were supposed to heal you and the plan was for me to be the final step.
not in this way, but in a different way, that i would stay with you forever.

but i couldn't.

and i've never told you how i truly felt about you, i have never gotten the courage to express everything that i saw when i looked into your eyes.
i may have been sick, but that didn't make me love you any less.

it was your craziness that kept me from losing myself into the boredom of an average life.
because of you, i was still painting with my last breath, i was still laughing on my last day, and i was still glowing everywhere you touched my skin.
your lips made mine soft, your heart made mine loving and you presence made mine calm.

i wasn't a cold, distant, messy headed person that i always thought i was and it's all because you have made me changed into the best thing i could ever be.

just with simply being here, holding me and wiping away every tear i have ever shed.

we may have met again on bad terms, even then, every second i could look at you, when i could hear your voice, it was like every hardship in my life, wasn't really that bad after all, and every minute of me suffocating was worth it.

and you might ask yourself, why did you go again then? why couldn't you stay with me when i was what kept you alive?

truth is, i knew that the only way to make you realize death is real and cannot be ignored, ever, and that you cannot change the timeline of events, i had to go.

because you wouldn't be able to lie to yourself when it comes to our relationship, because your simple imagination is not able to show you the reality of the power our connection had.

and i knew you wouldn't have wanted me to suffer, i didn't want you to see me like this.
because in fact, you were sick as well, insane even, but it was very different for you.

we were different and the same in every aspect.

with every picture i made of you, the smoke of my old cigarettes filled the studios, the air where the pencils brushed the canvases were filled with thick smoke every night and every day.

you never cared, you just always used to open the windows so that my lungs could get some fresh air.

this is why every window is always open wherever i am. because the smell of fresh air reminds me of you.

and even though in the years that i smoked i believed that cigarettes were the best thing that was ever brought upon humanity, because it made me happy, it relieved all pain i had in an instant and quickly grew to be my best friend, i'd never offer another person even just a little piece of one.

because i know that i wasn't supposed to see them this way, i know that i wasn't supposed to feel as though everything i needed were cigarettes because they were so bittersweet. with me being blind to the bitter part for so long. and they will never relief the pain and the sorrow of one how i believed they would heal me.

  the two paintings of you in this envelope are the most special ones to me. the portrait of you has the glow in your eyes that i always failed to capture in all of my work.

  this is the only time i've ever succeeded.

i should've quit it ealier, eden.

i should have listened to you, when you used to snatch the cigarettes away from my mouth, my breathing was shaky, my hands always trembling, aching for it.
for the paper between my teeth, and i knew i should've known better than that, your influence made me realize that.

but my realization was too late, i was already diagnosed with terminal lung cancer when i realized.

and i regretted it, i regretted not noticing earlier, i could've lived with you if i had just realized it a little earlier.

however, i have denied all the treatments, and i am writing this in the last days i have left.

i left you again. for your own sake. i couldn't bear with the fact that would have to see me like this if i would've stayed.

eli and shino know about this. they know that i am going to die, because this is the only way to save you, eden.

me dying is the only way for you realize that death is not an imaginary friend.

do you remember the day at the lake? i don't know if you still have my ring, but there is still my last concern on my heart;

i want to ask you something, and there is no other way for me to do this then to ask you this through my last letter.
i don't know when you'll find this, when your beautiful eyes are going to read these words, maybe i am too late, again.

and maybe i'm gonna regret, again.

but i love you, and there's not a single word in this universe that could explain the things i feel for you, how i used to feel like floating in the sea, knowing you were here.

eden, i want to be a person that keeps my promises. i wanted to stay with you until my soul explodes and lights on fire and is gone.

all the days i will spend now not being alive, i want to spend with you, our souls are intertwined.

i'm always here with you, so when i'm asking you this, i'm clearing up my last regret.

eden rosea, will you marry me?

will you marry a dead soul, not in way that you imagine a wedding, but when you also get here someday, will you promise to come back to me?
will you spend every second with me, laying on the clouds and feeling the air of the skies on our skins.
will you promise me to be with me, after this life?

not right now, not when you're here, not while you're still breathing, and blinking to secure the memories in your head.
and not while your favorite color is still red, but when the light of your soul lifts up into the blue sky;

will you marry me then?

you know what,
maybe i am insane after all, just like you.
it might be our thing
insanity.

- yuri himato

eden did not believe what he had just seen, and the only way to prove that this was not some kind of nightmare, was to open his balcony door and look at the stars.

  will i see the star august again?
  when you need it the most.
  when you're gone?
  when i'm gone i'll promise to come back as this star and be next to yours forever.

   and there it was, there was august next to december and it looked like a little line connected both of them.

  like it went from august to december but never back.