Finding The Father

Chapter Sixteen "Mommy Issues"

After I calmed down, Nick and I sat on the curb of the sidewalk. We sat there for a few minutes in silence while I tried to control my breathing.

"Are you okay now?" He asked with his head turned in my direction.

I sat with my legs crossed on the pavement and wiped away the last tear. "Yeah, I think so."

"Want to talk about it?" He asked and I looked down at my lap.

I thought about what I was going to say over and over again in my head, trying to get the courage to actually form the words. It's been so long now, almost twenty years. Twenty years is a long time to hold something like this in.

"When I opened that door," My voice cracked as I felt a new wave of tears form in my eyes. "I didn't see him."

Nick furrowed his brows and turned his body towards me. "What did you see?"

I licked my dry lips and breathed in. "I saw my mom." My voice rose at the end and I wiped away the new tears

"Your mom?" He repeated as a question.

I nodded. "When I was three..." A sob escaped from my lips and I rubbed my eyes. "When I was three my mom killed herself."

Nick's body relaxed and I heard him inhale sharply.

"It started out as Postpartum Depression after she had me. She would spend hours on hours in her bed. I remember wondering if she'd ever come out. I don't have any memories with her. My dad said she loved me very much, but I don't know." I sniffed and wiped away a tear."It happened right after dinner one night. My dad made dinosaur chicken nuggets because they were my favorite." I chuckled sadly at the memory. "He tried to get my mom to come out but she wouldn't, just like every other night. I was playing with my rbiesBarbies in the living room when my dad knocked on the bedroom door. It wasn't weird for her not to answer, but the door was locked. He knocked for a few minutes before he became visibly nervous. He started trying to break the door down with his shoulder. I remember watching him scream her name. I didn't understand why he was so upset at the time. He eventually broke the door handle with a fire extinguisher."

My throat closed up as I began to sob again. Nick watched me carefully and patiently waited for me to start talking again.

"He screamed her name again, but it was different this time." I told him with a shaky voice. "I sat there and listened to him scream and cry. I expected to hear my mom say something like 'What's the matter? I only fell asleep.' but she didn't. It felt like an eternity before the paramedics showed up. My dad directed them to the bedroom before he picked me up and sat me on his hip. He tried to keep m away from the bedroom, but at one point I was able to peek around the corner. The paramedics were doing CPR on my mom. Her skin was grey and her lips were blue. I remember that vividly; her lips being blue. I started screaming. 'What are they doing to mommy?'" I choked up as I quoted myself.

Tears streamed down my face as sob after sob escaped my lips. My heart ached as hard as it did that day when I was three years old, watching the men in blue wheeled my mom's body out of the house. Nick wrapped his arm around my shoulder and held me close to him while I cried.

"I'm so scared, Nick." I managed to say with a soft tone and he looked down at me.

"Scared of what?" He asked me softly.

"I'm scared to have this baby. I don't want to end up like her." I cried and lifted my hands to cover my face. "I don't want to end up like her."

Nick lifted my head up by my chin and his eyes dashed between mine. His eyes sparkled like stars in a clear sky. "You are not your mom. You will not end up like her. You are the strongest person I have ever met. You're going to be an amazing and happy mother."

My heart soared. The heavy weight that's been sitting on my shoulders since I found out I was pregnant became so much lighter. Nick only spoke a few sentences, but he said exactly what I needed to hear.

I watched his pupils dilate as I stared up at him wordlessly. My hand instinctively reached up and cupped his cheek. There was stubble growing on his chin from the past few days, but it looked great on him. My heart beat faster and faster every second we sat like this. Almost simultaneously, we reached for each other's mouths with our lips. His hand flew to the side of my head and mine to his other cheek. We kissed. The most passionate kiss I've ever had. It felt like the movies. I half expected fireworks to go off behind us. We didn't pull apart for what felt like hours, and I would've been okay with that. But someone cleared their throat behind us.

We pull apart and look at Abby and Owen standing behind us. They both had happy smirks dancing on their lips.

"So," Abby started and crossed her arms over her chest. "How was the session?"

I chuckled and wiped my lips. Nick and I looked at each other and smiled.

"I didn't remember anything." I told them sadly.

"I knew it was a bunch of horse shit." Owen stated and Abby rolled her eyes.

"What do we do now?" Abby asked and we all shrugged.

There were soft pitter-patters coming from down the sidewalk. I looked over and saw a beautiful girl, probably in her early 20's, with long wavy blonde hair. She was wearing a white cami top with a long floral skirt and a flower crown on her head. Abby's eyes followed her as she passed by us.

"That girl reminds me of the girl I hooked up with over spring break. She was the biggest hippy. She lived in a van and I swear to god there were peace signs and dream catchers everywhere." Abby recounted with a smile. "Where did I meet her?"

Owen's eyes grew wide and he gasped. We all looked at him curiously. "Oh my God, the music festival."

Abby and I racked our brains for a moment before we simultaneously gasped. "The music festival!" We excitedly scream in unison.

Nick looked between the three of us inquisitively. "Music festival?"

"Yeah, yes! Oh my God, I remember it so clearly now." Abby cheered. "Well, not very clearly. I remember a lot of booze and unique mind-altering substances..."

"Do you guys remember where it was?" I asked and both Owen and Abby shook their heads.

A group of skaters started rolling down the street. A few of them started doing tricks and the others circled around to watch them.

"This is Vegas, someone around here must know where the festival was." Owen tells us certainly.

"I bet they know." Nick nodded towards the skaters who were giggling over one of their friends falling.

"Don't worry guys, I got this." Abby told us confidently before she started walking over to them. Nick and I shrugged before we followed her, Owen trailing behind us.

"Hey, boys." Abby called out to them and they all turned towards them. "We've got a question."

The boys glanced at each other and shrugged. As we got closer I could smell the marijuana reeking off of them.

"Uh, all right." One of the boys said. He was wearing a backwards snapback hat with a head and black flannel and a black t-shirt with some heavily ripped jeans.

"We're not from around here and we were wondering where they hold the best music festivals. My friends and I are looking to have a good time tonight." Abby told them with a sensual smirk.

The boys giggled to each other before the boy from before said "You're hot."

Abby smiled and flipped her hair over her shoulder. "Well, thank you. But really, you know where that would be?"

The boys whisper between each other. "Yeah uh, that would be right off the Las Vegas Freeway. Right next to Pure Speed Racing." The boy told us.

"Thank you, boys." She turned around and smiled happily at us. "Let's go."