I Am You

Chapter Twelve

Today's the day. This might be the only chance I get to get rid of Ethan. Obviously, I could just murder him and stash his body someplace where no one will ever find him, but that would be tiring and complicated. Winning the bet is the easier option. I really want him to leave me alone and there's no way he's going to do that unless he's compelled to.

I was on my bed, my eyes wide open. I couldn't get any sleep. I don't understand what's wrong with me. Why can't I sleep? Before, my life was a mess. I had no one. The only good feeling I knew was the sight of blood on my wrist. The feeling as it flowed out of my body, leaving me numb. Soon that numbness would turn into excruciating pain, letting me know that I could still feel things after all. Maybe that was the main reason why I harmed myself. To feel something, anything. I liked feeling numb most of the time, but I had days when I didn't feel human. I saw self-harming as the only way to make myself feel something other than nothing. But now, things are different. I've got people to distract me from the monsters that haunt me when I'm alone. I've got Nat and Dylan. I still take the help of my blades sometimes, but the frequency of me using them has decreased.

I stared at my wrist. It was covered in scars, old and new, vertical and horizontal. It looked as if someone had been playing tic-tac-toe on it. The scars made perfect little squares, with each line straight and equidistant as if they were made with the help of a ruler. Yes, I hated myself enough to harm myself but I was still the same, perfection-seeking freak. Sometimes that scared me more than my depression or self-harming tendencies. But my life is finally taking a better turn. Then why doesn't it feel like it? Why is it that I still can't sleep?     

I shut my eyes and tried my best to sleep. But a few minutes later, my alarm went off. I sighed and sprang out of the bed. I was tired, no doubt, but I couldn't let that keep me from defeating Ethan's ass.

I rushed through my morning routine so that I had the time to take a look at my notes once more before the test. I reached the college early and sat down in the library with about twenty minutes to spare. After I was satisfied with my revision, I headed to the class. The test wasn't easy, but I had prepared for worse. Ethan was sitting a bench away from me. I caught him looking at me a few times as if to see how I was doing. As I handed in my test, I was almost certain that I'd never have to have a conversation with him again. Later, as Nat and I walked out of the class, Ethan followed us.

'Hold up!' he called.

I turned around.

'How do you think you did?' he asked.

'Better than you.' I answered.

'Wow, love the confidence.' he sang.

I just rolled my eyes, as usual. He smiled.

His phone started ringing. He looked at the screen and then at me.

'I'll have to take this. Catch you later!' he said with a wink as he walked away.

'No, you won't.' I said with a sarcastic smile.

A few more classes later, we were done with college for the day. Nat and I went to the little café again. It had become a part of the routine now. The Ancient Sip after college, almost every day. We were more relaxed today than the last time we were here, now that the test was over. At least I was. Nat didn't care much about it yesterday and she doesn't care much about it today. I'll seriously have to take some classes from her to learn how to be calm and stop competing like a ten-year old.

We sat at the table and placed our coffee orders.

'Extra ice, please.' Nat said.

'It's getting really hot, huh?' I said.

'Yeah, summer's here. I love summers except when I have to take like three showers a day.' she replied.

I chuckled. I was wearing full sleeves, for obvious reasons. It was so hot that I started rolling them up. But I wasn't reminded of those "obvious reasons" until I was halfway done. I glanced at my wrist and quickly pulled my sleeve back down. Unfortunately, I wasn't quick enough.

'What's that?' Nat exclaimed, a hint of horror creeping upon her face.

It felt like my heart stopped. My mind was racing to come up with an excuse. But what could I say? Why are there grid-shaped scars on my wrist? I couldn't think of one possible object that could give me scars like that on accident. I've always been good at lying. But right now, I can't think of anything. I'm out of options. Of course, there's one last option—the truth. But I don't like the idea of it, at all.

'I'd rather not talk about it.' I said firmly.

'M... Michelle, please. What's going on with you? You know you can talk to me... right? I'm here for you.' she slightly stuttered.

She looked like she was about to cry. She extended her hand across the table to hold mine. I let her. I thought she was going to turn it to get a clearer look at my wrist. But to my surprise, she didn't. She just held my hand and looked at me. I realised she was expecting me to say something.

'I don't know what to say, how to explain. Even if I manage to explain it, I don't know if you'll be able to understand.' I uttered.

'I promise I'll try my best.' she said with an encouraging, but weak smile.

Do I really have to do this? I didn't say anything for a few seconds. I realised that I couldn't lie my way out of this one. I let out a deep sigh before I started.

'I have a lot of... baggage. I don't know where exactly all of it comes from, but I think I may have a pretty decent idea. My parents and I have never been close. Back in Sacramento, I didn't have any real friends. Sure, I wasn't invisible. People knew I existed. They just didn't seem to care. The only person who made me feel important was my brother. And you know how Fred passed away. After him, I was all alone. The way I felt is not something that I can describe. Not because I don't want to, but because I don't know how to. It was this lingering feeling of burden, dread and hollowness. If I wanted to sum up the whole last year in a word—blurry. I don't know how I went from crying for hours because it hurt so much to harming myself physically because it didn't hurt enough. And once you start getting help from the blades, it's hard to stop. So, I never did.'

Natalie was listening with utmost patience, nodding once in a while to tell me that she understood. I continued.

'But it's not the same anymore. I don't feel like I'm all alone. That's the reason why I've almost stopped hurting myself.'

'Almost?'

'Almost.' I nodded. 'You see, it's hard to stop. But that doesn't mean I'm not trying to. I'm trying my best and for the most of it, I'm succeeding. I have hope again. However, this is something I have to do alone. This is my fear to conquer. Everybody is different. Some might benefit from external help, but I know for a fact that I won't. Therapy didn't help me. Maybe it was just my therapist, but I don't have the energy to find a new one. I know I'm capable enough to fight this alone. Let me.'

'There hasn't been a second when I have questioned your strength. If you believe you can do this alone, I'm not going to question your judgement. But you have to promise me something.'

'What?'

'If you ever get a feeling that you need help, that you can't do this alone, you'll tell me. We'll get you help. And from now on, I'll check in with you every week to make sure you're okay. I know we're together for hours every day, but those will be like your venting sessions. You can say whatever you want, I'll be listening.'

'So, you'll be my shrink, then?' I asked with a slight smirk.

'Call it whatever you want.' she chuckled. 'The point is, I'm here. Remember that.'

'I know you are. I appreciate it, more than you know.'

I could feel the pressure being relieved. At last, someone other than me knew about what I had been going through. I get that Nat doesn't necessarily understand what I feel, but knowing that she's trying to, is more than enough for now. Maybe I'll be just fine after all.