I Am You

Chapter Nineteen

I woke up to the sound of steady beeping. I opened my eyes, regretted my decision and almost instantaneously shut them close again. I drew in a deep breath. Then, I opened my eyes, still slightly squinting. Slowly, as my eyes adjusted to the light, I began taking a note of my surroundings. I quickly realised that I was in a hospital room, bandages covering one of my arms and a needle stuck into the other. I sighed as I looked out of the small window on my left. The moment didn't last for long as the sound of the door opening made me jerk my head towards the right.

'Good, you're awake.' The nurse said with a warm smile as she entered the room.

I wanted to say something back, but all I could manage was a soft grunt. I was too tired. She probably noticed this and walked closer.

'Don't push yourself, honey. You lost a lot of blood. You need to get all the rest you can.' she said, glancing at the bandages which only made me embarrassed.

After a short moment of silence, I managed to utter a few words.

'Where's Dylan?' I asked.

'Dylan?' she asked back, curious.

'The guy who brought me here. Tall, dark haired, brown eyed?' I replied.

'Honey, you were brought in after we got a nine-one-one call from a woman who had found you, soaked in blood, frantically knocking at her door for help.' she said slowly and carefully, concern gleaming in her eyes. 'Don't you remember that?'

No, of course I don't. Because that never happened. I remember I passed out in front of Dylan. He was the one who brought me in, obviously. I shifted uncomfortably as the nurse kept her gaze on me, looking for an answer. I wanted to explain everything, how it had to be Dylan who got me to the hospital, but something in me kept myself from doing so. I felt uneasy, as if I wasn't sure about it anymore. Was it actually a woman who helped me yesterday? I shook my head to bring myself back to reality.

'Of course, I do. Everything is just a tad bit hazy right now.' I replied, much to her satisfaction. I didn't have the energy to explain it all.

'That's understandable.' she said with a nod. 'Do you want me to call somebody for you?'

'Yes, please.' I answered.

An hour later, Nat barged into the room.

'Hey...' I started.

'Shut up. Shut the fuck up.' she screamed at my face, her eyes starting to tear up.

'Ouch. Hello to you, too.' I said sarcastically, regaining my form. Whenever someone is more upset than I am, it automatically calms me down.

She closed her eyes and drew in a deep breath. I was ready to cover my ears. But to my surprise, she didn't scream. Instead, she pulled out a chair and sat next to my bed.

'Do you have any idea what you put me through? What if...?' she trailed away, looking down, as tears started rolling down her face and onto my bed.

'I didn't, though.' I said, taking a hold of her hand.

She squeezed it lightly. After a few minutes of silence, she spoke up.

'What happened?' she said, looking up.

'I don't even know. Most of it is a blur. All I know is that I lost control.' I said as I closed my eyes.

I couldn't help but feel disappointed in myself. I had gone for so long without self-harming, without Prozac. And all of it went straight to hell in an instant. I didn't even remember all of it, but what I did remember was "Red". I distinctly remembered the puddle of blood. It was almost as if the floor was painted red. I slightly shivered at the memory.

'I'm really sorry, Nat.' I continued. 'I couldn't even take my own advice. I know I told you not to guilt-trap yourself. And yet, that's exactly what I did. You know I didn't mean for this to happen, don't you?'

'I know. But it still happened.' she said sincerely.

'I'm sorry.' I repeated myself, being at a loss of words.

'I know you are, but it doesn't change anything. You're still on this hospital bed and I'm still feeling like an idiot for not doing this before.'

'Doing what?'

'When I saw your scars for the first time, I was terrified. I didn't know what to do, how to help. All I knew was that you needed help. But you promised me you'd be fine, that you'd be able to handle things on your own. And I agreed. That was a mistake. I should've taken it more seriously. Who am I to be your shrink? I don't have a degree, do I? I can be your support, not your therapist. You need help, Michelle. Professional help. I'm not going to make the same mistake twice. I can't just stand here and watch you slowly destroy yourself. I just... can't. So, call me again when you make a decision about going to therapy.' she said, standing up.

'I told you, Nat. Therapy didn't work for me the last time.' I said with a sigh.

'So what? You're gonna give up, just like that? Have you ever considered that maybe it wasn't the therapy that didn't work for you, but it was the therapist? Did you even give him a fair chance to help you? I'm exhausted, Michelle. In the last two days, I've seen both, my sister and my best friend, almost die.'

'Almost die? I think that's a bit excessive.' I joked, a desperate try to lighten the mood. But it just earned me a glare from Nat. I huffed and let her continue.

'The facts remain the same. I'm not going to watch you hurt yourself anymore. You need to decide. If you do decide to go to therapy, I'll help you every step of the way. Just call me. But if you decide otherwise, don't even bother.' she said with a baffling seriousness in her tone as she walked towards the door.

'Wait, so you're just going to slap me with an ultimatum?' I asked desperately, not wanting her to leave so soon.

'Call it what you want.' she smiled faintly. 'I'll be waiting for your call, though.' she said as she closed the door behind her.

I looked outside the window again. An ultimatum was a bit drastic. But I understood what Natalie was going through. Seeing her sister and her best friend on a hospital bed, just a day apart, couldn't be easy. I mentally scolded myself for being such a pain in the ass.
I was worried about the situation with Nat, but there was something else gnawing at me. Dylan. I had so many questions. The weird thing was, I felt like I had all the answers too. It almost felt like I was having an epiphany. As I wondered, pressed my brain for answers, replayed all the moments and incidents with Dylan, things started to clear up. Within a few hours, I had formed a ridiculous theory. It was highly improbable, but not impossible. Just as I was putting the last pieces of the puzzle together, I heard a knock at the door and watched Dylan come in.

'Hey, how are you?' he asked as he took a seat.

'I think you already know.' I replied.

I saw his expression change in a matter of seconds. From concern to shock, then to fear and then finally to relief.

'So, you finally figured it out, huh?' he asked after some time.

'Yeah, I think so.' I tried to say with confidence, but I knew I still wasn't sure.

'Took you long enough.' he smirked.

'Yeah, just had to die and come back to life to figure it all out.' I murmured.

He let out a small chuckle.

'I'm guessing you don't need me now.' he said, wiping his fake tears.

'I'm not so sure.' I replied.

'Oh, but I am. Trust me, you'll survive.' he said with a wide smile as he stood up and opened the door.

'So, this is goodbye, then? I'll just never see you again?' I asked.

'Never say never.' he sang as he exited the room.