I Am You

Chapter Five

I was on my way to college, looking at the beautiful morning, taking it all in, trying to stay positive, when my phone started ringing. It was my mom. What an amazing start to the day.

I declined the call. 

I opened up my bag, got a hold of my Prozac and popped one in my mouth. I know, I know. I'm not supposed to take these pills whenever and wherever I want. But am I going to do exactly that, right now? Yes. Trust me, if you met my parents, you'd understand.

I waited for a few minutes and then called her back. She picked up on the first ring.

'Michelle, you're not supposed to decline my calls! We've talked about this.' she said sternly.

Yes, out of everything that's been going on in my life, this is the thing we've talked about.

'Sorry, I was busy.' I sighed.

'I don't care, Michelle. When I call, you're supposed to pick up.' she said, in a cold tone.

'Yes, mom.'

'Okay, now onto more important things. How are you doing at college, Michelle?'

Oh my god, she knows she doesn't have to say my name every time, doesn't she?

'It's going good. College is more fun than school.'

'I don't want to know if you're having fun, Michelle. I want to know if you're working hard. I want to know if you're staying at the top of your class.'

Wow.

'It's been one day since college began. What do you want me to do?'

'Stop being ungrateful, Michelle. Your father and I have invested a lot in you.'

Invested what, exactly?

'Sorry.' I said. I was so used to saying this, I didn't even care anymore. It was way better than having to lengthen the conversation with her.

'Okay, call me when you get the results of your first test.'

'I will. Bye mom, I...'

And... she hung up. I hope you understand now why Prozac and Aspirin have been my best friends all these years.

Sometimes when I think about my relationship with my parents, I want to cry. Fred, my brother, was the star child. He was the best at everything he did. A good son and an even better brother. When our whole family used to live in Sacramento, he and I were so close. He was just two years older than I was. He'd try to help me with literally every problem I had. He was the only reason I used to be even close to being emotionally stable. But my parents? Would you believe me if I told you that my parents didn't attend my high school graduation because they had to be in a meeting?

So basically, my parents drove me insane and Fred pulled me back into sanity. Things were a lot easier back then. I wanted to believe they still were, but the intense pain on my wrist suggested otherwise.

As I neared the campus gate, I became more self-conscious. I pulled my sleeves down and walked straighter. The first class I had today was 'Social Psychology'. I liked Psychology. 'Social' was the part I was worried about.
As I took a seat, Mr. Spencer entered the class.

'Settle down, everyone. We're about to start.' he said. 'Welcome to the class. Today we're going to talk about The Family Theory. Now, before we begin, I want each one of you to give me a brief description of your families. Just the members and their characteristics. Write it down on a piece of paper. Raise your hand when you're done.' he continued.

Just when I thought today would be better than yesterday. What was I supposed to say? My parents hate me, we can't even have a conversation without yelling, all they care about is their money and reputation. And my brother...

I felt the known feeling return. It doesn't feel the same every time. Sometimes my mind stops working. At other times, a thousand thoughts enter and leave my head at the same time. Either I start talking a lot or I just sit there in silence. But the basic idea is the same every time—it hurts. I could feel my breathing quicken.

Oh, no. I'm not having a meltdown in front of the whole class. I need to get out of here. I stood up abruptly. Everyone turned around to look at me.

'Can I help you with something?' Mr. Spencer asked.

'I... I need to go to the bathroom.' I spat, not knowing what else to say.

'By all means.' he said, gesturing towards the door.

Wow, he actually bought it.

I made my way outside as fast as I could. Tears started rolling down my face before I could get into the bathroom. Once inside, I checked the stalls. Luckily, I was the only one there.
Without even realising, I sank to the ground. It felt like all energy was being sucked out of my body. I couldn't move. I couldn't think. I don't even know why I'm feeling this way. I have been in worse situations. I don't get it. Sometimes, even in the most heart-breaking situations, I feel numb. And then sometimes, things like this hurt so much. I don't really understand how my feelings work.

I let out a deep sigh. I got up and looked at myself in the mirror. I was exhausted. I looked exhausted.

I washed my face and hoped that it would go back to something close to normal. My eyes were puffy. I waited for a few minutes and then walked out of the bathroom only to be greeted by Natalie.

'What are you doing here?' I asked, trying not to make eye contact.

'I just wanted to check on you. You looked uncomfortable in there. Are you okay?' she said gently.

No, I am not.

'Yes, I am.' I said, trying to keep my answers as short as possible.

She sighed. 'Michelle, I know I can be annoying sometimes. And I also know you said that you don't need any friends. But we both know that's not true. We're going to be here for four years. Why spend it alone when you could meet new people, make new friends and be happy?' she said, hope in her eyes.

Being happy? That sounds unattainable. As for the other parts, I think that wouldn't be so bad for me. It's not like I chose to be miserable. There was time when I trusted people, a time when I liked having conversations, a time when I wasn't so afraid to let people in. All I've ever wanted is to be happy. Who doesn't? But I just don't know how. Is there a guide for it? Even if there is, I'm guessing "pushing people away" isn't one of the steps mentioned in it. Moreover, I realised I was too cold to her the previous day. There's a possibility that she didn't deserve it after all.

'Maybe you're right.' I sighed. 'Also, I'm sorry I called you annoying.'

'It's fine. I get that more often than you'd think.' she huffed. 'So, let's try this again, shall we?'

'Okay...?'

'Hi, I'm Natalie! Would you like to be my friend?'

'Okay.'

'Oh god, we have to work on your conversational skills.' she frowned.

'Baby steps.' I mumbled.

'Yeah, baby steps.' she smiled.

I smiled back.