I Am You

Chapter Fifteen

I woke up in the morning with a feeling that was known to me. Fear. Fear of losing all progress I've made so far. It's an inevitable feeling. Things are finally looking up, after so long. I fell into a dark pit months ago. Ever since then, I couldn't see the light. I tried to climb out of it, but ended up falling on my back every time. Months passed. I was so tired that I stopped trying altogether. I had lost hope. But now, I have become capable of climbing out of that pit. I can finally see the light again. It's natural to fear the risk of losing it all. But this time, I'm not letting that fear hold me down. This time, I'll use all the strength in my body to get out. This time, I'll win.

I smiled to myself and got out of bed. As I brushed my teeth, my gaze fell on the bottle of Prozac in the cabinet. I couldn't remember the last time I desperately needed it. It was like an old friend. It helped me when I needed it. But now, I felt like I had outgrown it. I had made new friends. Real friends.

I showered and then put on my white Levi's with a black sweatshirt. As I looked in the mirror, putting my hair into a bun, I stopped.

"It looks better down."

I pulled out the scrunchie from my hair and let it down. It felt... odd. Different. But I kept it that way anyway.

'Trying out new things, are we?' I mumbled to myself.

The entire morning, I felt weirdly enthusiastic. I had not experienced this feeling in a long time. I liked feeling this way. I remember Dylan saying, "You're smiling. It's scary."

Nat and I had the second period together.

'Hey.' I said, sitting next to her.

'Hey. What's up?' she grinned.

'Nothing much. Thanks for totally abandoning me yesterday, by the way.'

'Oh, gosh. I'm so sorry. Did you have to walk all the way back in this heat? I... I should've dropped you off. I'm...' she stuttered.

I chuckled lightly.

'I'm kidding. Look at your face.' I mocked.

'Oh, shut up. You're evil.' she pouted. 'But did you actually have to walk all the way back?'

'I didn't. I got a ride.'

'From whom?'

I was trying avoid Ethan's name in the whole conversation because I know Nat well. The minute I mention him, she'll start jumping around in the middle of the class and start asking a thousand questions. She might even get us thrown out of the class. As I answered, I made sure to choose my words wisely.

'Before I tell you everything, promise me you'll fight every instinct of yours to ask me questions right now. I'll answer every one of them, just not right now. Later. Okay?'

'Okay.' she muttered, narrowing her eyes.

'It was Ethan. He gave me a ride.' I said as calmly as I could.

On the other hand, Natalie started squealing, the second she heard the "E-word". She stopped as soon as she saw my deadly stare.

'Sorry.' she giggled.

I sighed.

'What are you doing after college today?' she asked.

'I was thinking of picking up a canvas and start painting something. I haven't held a paintbrush in my hand in weeks. We go to an art school. You'd think you would actually learn something about art here, huh?'

'Yeah, that sucks. We'll be luckier in our second year. As far as this year goes, we're stuck with theoretical subjects.' she said, shaking her head. 'Anyway, you can pick your canvas up and come over to my place. I have some sketching to do. We can hang out while you tell me all about yesterday.' she said, stressing on the word "all".