I Am You

Chapter Nine

Natalie and I had our last class together for the day. After that, as we were walking down the hallway, I turned to her.

'Want to get a cup of coffee? We could hit The Ancient Sip.' I asked.

You know, as weird as it sounds, I haven't totally hated the time I spent with Nat these few days. If you had told me a month ago that I'd find a friend in someone like Nat— happy, cheery and enthusiastic, I wouldn't have believed it. In fact, I would've tried to smack some sense into you. But now, it doesn't seem so unnatural. I don't talk much and Nat compensates for that. I dress all black, every day and she has all the colours in the world on her. I'm this quiet, ghost-like figure and she's chatty, sweet, angel-like. Our friendship almost feels like a social experiment where we're being secretly observed. Will it work?

Miraculously, I feel like it will. This year was hard for me. I was afraid of getting attached to people, even remotely, because I feared they'd leave me. Unintentionally, if not on purpose. Either way, I wasn't ready to lose someone all over again. Even the thought of it hurt. But now I realise I had been stupid. You can't let the fear of losing people keep you from letting anyone enter your life. Sooner or later, people will leave. That's just how it works. It's up to you to make the time you had with them count. I take an enormous amount of time to trust someone. I'm not implying that I don't trust Nat, but it'll take some time for me to trust her completely. Once that trust is established, I get too attached to that person. That's awfully scary for me. So, I don't run around trusting anyone easily. Also, for a person like me, who skipped the chapter titled "How to express your emotions" because I thought it wasn't coming on the test, it is hard. Every time someone asked me "Are you okay?", I always replied with "I'm fine.". It didn't matter if I actually was.

The truth is, we all lie.

And it's not like they actually cared. But recently, people like Dylan and Nat have been there for me. Knowingly or unknowingly, they're helping me get a positive outlook on life. I've stopped taking extra doses of Prozac. I don't think I'll have to make up an excuse for refilling the bottle early this time. I don't want to jinx it, but I think things are getting better. I think I am getting better.

'I'm sorry, I can't. I've got to pick my sister up from school. Mom is swamped with work today.' Nat answered my question.

'You have a sister? How old is she?'

'Fifteen. What about you? Have you got any siblings?'

'I did. My older brother, Fred. He was diagnosed with leukaemia, passed away last year.' I answered, without my eyes filled with tears. I realised this was the first time I had been able to talk about him without feeling like I was going to pass out from the pain in my heart. I had learned my lesson. The saddest thing you can do is make yourself remember how happy you were in the past. I had decided that I'll keep Fred's memories with me forever, not so that I could miss him and cry, but so that I could remember him and smile. At least that was what my plan looked like. I was trying to let myself be happy. I had deprived myself of that privilege for so long, that gaining it back almost felt like getting a new chance at life. And I fucked up a lot of things in the past, I'm not letting this chance get added on that list. Maybe being happy was unattainable for me. But I wasn't looking forward to being happy. I was looking forward to being "not sad". I was looking forward to being normal.

'Oh, I'm so sorry.' she said and I snapped back to reality. She continued 'You know, I'm here for you. If you ever need to talk about it or anything else.' She said sympathetically.

'I know. But I'm fine right now.' I said with a faint smile.

Before Nat drove away to pick up her sister, we chatted for a minute or two. I learned that they were a family of four. Her parents had been happily married for about twenty-two years. She and her sister got along well. They go on a family picnic every once in a while. That explained why she was such a happy-go-lucky kind of a person. Her parents had been good to her, her family was normal. I was happy that at least someone around me was enjoying a normal life. I was genuinely happy for her.

I went to get a cup of coffee by myself. I felt like shit. My head hurt. I've been having these headaches for so long now that I've just accepted them as a part of my daily routine. Sometimes it gets worse. My head starts to hurt so much that I have to lie down for a while and when I wake up, I have no recollection of the previous hour or so because that is the best sleep I get in the whole day. It's definitely better than the sleep I can get at night. But maybe I've ignored this problem for too long. Note to self: Stop being lazy and go see a doctor.

Also, I had time to wonder what kind of person I'd be today if I had a normal life growing up. Maybe just a happier version of who I am right now. I don't think I'd like her if I met her. But who knows for sure? I didn't like Dylan or Nat at first too. Now I'm beginning to count them as a part of my life. It feels good to know that some people have your back. Feels like the first step of many on my way to being normal.