broken (k.p.)

I'm Struggling Here

The ropes eventually fell after what felt like forever. I stumbled into the car and into my house. I couldn't be near Kai's body, so Bonnie told me that she'd talk to Damon and Stefan and they could go get it. It seems so unreal. My apartment is empty now.

And I don't think I'd ever say my. It was always ours.

But now he's gone.

And my heart physically hurts.

I drag myself to the bed. It's so dark in here. Maybe, if I just go to bed, I can wake up from this horrible nightmare. If I close my eyes, maybe I'll wake up with Kai next to me.

How am I supposed to do this? Live without him? I can't.

I'm laying on the bed staring at the ceiling. And I'm wondering how I got myself here. This is my fault. I took him with me to my mother's house. It doesn't seem real. Maybe this is a dream. I doubt if I pinched myself, it wouldn't hurt, though. I just have to get some rest. I close my eyes.

They don't stay closed for long though before I hear my phone ringing. But as soon as I sit up, it stops.

Weird.

I'll just call them back in the morning. I close my eyes, letting myself fall asleep.

I wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Literally. I wake up gripping the covers on Kai's side of the bed. When I realize what I'm doing, I let go. It's not a nightmare.

A real-life one? Yes. A fake reality that only exists when I close my eyes? No.

I find the strength to sit up after lying there for forever. I slowly drag my feet over to the small table by the door. I pick up my phone.

One missed call from Bonnie. One text from Bonnie.

B: Sorry, I accidentally called you.

E: You're a bad liar. You've been a bad liar since you were six.

B: I'd rather not talk to you about it over text. Do you think you could meet me at the grill at 6:00pm?

E: Yep. Love you.

B: Love you too.

I set my phone back down and rub my eyes. I should probably have something to eat. I walk into the kitchen. It's empty.

Of course it is.

No notes. No morning waffles. No flowers. No I love you's.

I open the fridge.

No hands around my waist while I try to find something to eat.

I grab the milk. I reach into the cupboard and grab cereal and a bowl. No forehead kisses.

I open the drawer in front of me and grab a spoon. No cheek kisses.

I sigh, walking to the kitchen table. I take small bites. No nose kisses. No kisses at all. No Kai.

I end up with my arms wrapped around my legs on the floor. I scream until the tears start pouring down my face. I just want him. I want Kai. I need Kai.

How are you supposed to live without the love of your life?

I mope around the house most of the day, waiting for dinner with Bonnie to come along. I lay on my bed and stare at the ceiling. I watch Netflix. I look back on all the memories that I don't ever want to forget. Memories of all kinds. But most of them are with Kai.